My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months now, this happened back at 7 months and we ‘broke up’ at the start of February over the weekend because of it.
Back in December there was a party and there was a group of people so we went over. There was some guy showing Fortnite clips (we are in high school) and it’s a party so there was drinking so I looked at the clip but then he put his arm around me. He was shorter than me there was no attraction, younger too, just nothing. He then asked for my snap as in to like play Fortnite and I said okay sure bc I’m drunk and “who cares” as I’m probably not going to and just made a friend. My boyfriend then comes over and steps in saying how the guy isn’t getting shit and obviously pissed off.
The rest of the night went to shit and the following days it was me trying to make things right until he decided he wants to stay with me. Winter break is right after this so my boyfriend leaves for those 2 weeks and it seemed like we got closer. When school started again in January we got into multiple fights, the biggest one being over him following instagram models and breaking up got mentioned a lot and everything just felt distant that month.
February 1st he breaks up with me as it doesn’t feel the same since then and he’s unhappy and so am I because he’s unhappy but this only lasts over the weekend and he did not truly want to. Things were going good since then but today for the short time we hung out we were talking about one of his friends.
Basically his friend has some class with a girl and was telling her how he wants to get with her or just flirts with her while he has a girlfriend. I said if my boyfriend did this we would break up, he said no we wouldn’t, I said yes and then he brought up how I let a guy put his arm around me. I tried arguing the intentions were different and one was clearly communicated but that’s only true in my head and no one knows this for certain and we got into a fight about it. He kept asking why I let it happen if i wasn’t into him and how he doesn’t know what would happen if he didn’t stop it.
I know in my heart I wouldn’t do anything with the guy and there was no attraction and I kept saying this and how it was more “buddy buddy” as he was shorter, younger, and showing me Fortnite clips which pissed him off and I don’t blame him. He said “buddy buddy” or friends doesn’t exist in that context. I know I would be very upset if he did this but my answer is not enough for him. While I was driving home I thought about why and in the back of my mind maybe I let it happen just to see what he would do, because regardless I know I wouldn’t have truly cheated on him in any way or still been talking to that guy.
I know I cant make things right in an instant as I had a chance to show him he could be secure in us but instead I was drunk talking about Fortnite with a guy.
*Do I tell my boyfriend that maybe it was me subconsciously wanting to see what he’d do even if I didn’t have the intentions of doing anything and deal with the consequences or do I just leave it alone and try building up the trust without saying it?*
This is my first relationship, I fucked up and was very stupid for even wanting to “test” him or honestly whatever I was doing in any sort of way like this because I hurt him very badly and I am not the greatest person for it. I am learning and it took me that to realize my actions have severe consequences which I am ashamed of because I know I wouldn’t do anything with the guy but I let that happen.
TLDR; I messed up with my boyfriend and he has doubts with trust relating to me now even though I know I would never do anything to him