As the title says my sister and I (Non-binary AFAB) live with our mother (74 F). English is a second language for me so I apologise for spelling and syntax errors. I’m also ready to clear up any misunderstanding in the comments.
First, a little bit of context.
My sister and I never left home for several reasons: financial instability, housing crisis, and the main one, in hindsight, our mother’s reaction when we mentioned moving out.
She has, for lack of a better term, a violent reaction.
For example, when I was 17, I was in my senior year in high school and planning on going to University. I was aiming at the city the closest to where we live, about an hour away by train. My mother asked me where I would live during the summer months, because and I quote “As soon as you move out, I’ll apply for a smaller apartment, and there won’t be room for you anymore.” I did not bring it up again until I realised that moving because we were (and still are) living in low-income housing, wouldn’t be as easy as she thought, I mentioned moving out again. I explained to her that I wouldn’t be that far away, that I could come home every week-end and stuff. She lost it and threatened to throw herself from the balcony if I brought it up again (we live on the 8th floor).
This hit me hard so I gave up on moving out. A few years passed. Financially, I couldn’t move out. The little money I got would go to the household expenses. My sister found a stable job, what is referred to here as a CDI (an unlimited contract) which means that unless she makes a huge mistake (like stealing, not showing up for a long period of time, or being violent or something) or decides to quit, she has a job. She decided to move out (she has tried before). She did not want to leave me behind. Keep in mind that for years, our mother would complain about having to share an apartment with us. When my sister told our mom that we would be moving out she lost it again and started ranting saying stuff like: “You want me to die, is that it?” “I’m only holding out for you, you know, as soon as you’re gone there’s no more reason for me to go on.”
We ended up accepting the idea that it would be impossible for us to move out as long as she was still alive. But sharing a space with her is getting harder and harder.
Things sort of changed about eighteen months ago. I also got a CDI, like my sister, in the same company, different location. We earn the same income and are now both financially stable. So moving out was again in our minds. What triggered it though was one of my mother’s tantrums. After that one, I don’t even remember what it was about, we decided to go to a bank and ask if we could take on a mortgage. I’m not sure why we jumped to buying a place instead of just renting one, but we had the same idea at the same moment without even being in the same room.
The banker said that there would be no issue. It was at the beginning of February. We found a house, signed the bill of sale and have sent all the relevant documents do the bank. We’re supposed to get a definitive answer in May, and as soon as we do, we’ll sign the papers and be the official owners. The house is a fixer-upper, and there needs to be some work done on it (the price is included in the mortgage) before we can move into it. Between delays for the former owner to move out and the worker to be available for the work, and the work itself, if everything goes according to plan we should be moving into our home at the end of August, the beginning or September.
The plan is the tell our mother once we are officially the owners. This way she would have at least three months to prepare, but it will be on the way, like already in motion and not just a project. Our biggest mistake in the past was to tell her before we had found a place or something.
I sometimes feel guilty about hiding this for now and I’m more stressed out about telling her than actually becoming the owner, having to move, changing neighbourhood and stuff.
Is there any way to tell her without her having an averse reaction? I don’t think there is anything she can say that will stop us. We’ve already looked into renting if the buying doesn’t work. We’re not spending the next Christmas here. Any advice (or criticism) is welcome.