In February 2022 our baby was born, but she only lived for 3 months which destroyed our world, nothing would ever be the same. We never argued, nor recriminated each other, we simply distanced ourselves. I always tried to get closer and comfort her but she always pushed me away and always avoided me. For 3 months she acted like this, so I suggested she go to grief counseling. She didn’t want to, she was quite upset.
Then I asked her to go to IC and MC because our marriage was getting cold, she didn’t want to either. So I started grief counseling. It helped me a lot, but my wife looked like a zombie. I talked to people who had been through the same thing and found a group that usually meets a couple of times a month so I decided to take her. At first she just listened and cried, but didn’t open up. I didn’t want to talk so I just accompanied her. After 3 months she started talking, told the story, vented and started receiving support. She started grief counseling and seemed to have regained some of the person she used to be. Then we both started IC and MC for a while.
However, our marriage cooled again, we became roommies, we became indifferent. We haven’t had sex since our baby died. We both turn to porn to satisfy our needs. We stopped going to the support group, MC and IC.
D-Day, her best friend called me and told me that we had to talk urgently. We met the same day after work. She showed me my wife’s chats and I couldn’t believe what I read. She had started an emotional affair with a coworker a month ago and it looked like it would turn physical over the weekend. Her friend was very ashamed about this and never thought my wife would go to this extreme.
She asked me to do something before it happened. She has started to distance herself from my wife because she lived in a difficult marriage, her ex abused and cheated on her all the time until she got divorced and she couldn’t believe that her best friend wants to do the same thing to me after I helped her recover from the loss. I thanked her for telling me about it and she gave me the chats (they know their passwords so she got them from her cell phone).
I read the chats. The guy had been flirting with her for 3 months. She simply told him that she was married and that his flirting bothered her, but 1 month before from D-Day she started to humor him, exactly when she started to be furious with me for no reason and be on the cell phone all the time. He was a co-worker who apparently had also lost a child (due to cancer) and they began a friendship.
Next day I spoke with friends who work in the same company and asked them to find out if something was happening between them and they didn’t find out nothing out of the ordinary. They just chat sometimes in the hallway and smoke a cigarette outside. The only strange thing was that the guy asked to be transferred to my wife’s area, but my wife didn’t know that. Also, he told me that he came from another city and he was divorced. Company deducted child support for 3 children, one of them had recovered from cancer 6 months ago. One of my friends works in HR.
Two days after D-Day at night I confronted her with the chats. She was confused and told me that she had met him 4 months ago and she supported him, he had gone through the loss of a child too and she knew how he felt, but that apparently, he had mixed things up and she made it clear that she was married. I asked her why she had continued the flirting game for a month, what happened for her to suddenly change her attitude towards him? She told me that they became closer because they both now work in the same area. It never got to anything physical if that’s what I cared about.
I laughed and told her what I found out, she turned pale, he had told her that he was transferred due to differences with his supervisor and she couldn’t believe that he had lied to her about his son’s death. She called to my friend from HR and started crying. She asked me for forgiveness again and told me that she didn’t know about his transfer, she never had anything physical with him. She told me she was going to break things off with him the next day.
Three days after D-Day a police officer called me and told me that my wife had a s\*\*ual assault and I should go to the police station. When I arrived, she was pressing charges. She told me that he was harassing her whole day. She ignored him and pushed him away. She threatened to complain to HR but it seems he didn’t care. Later he had tried to kiss her and she slapped him, then he assaulted her in the parking lot when she was about to return home. Fortunately, there were other people nearby who helped my wife while the idiot fled. The cameras filmed everything so now everything is in the hands of the police. I took my wife home and she came to me to comfort her, to hug me and cry on my chest. I was simply disappointed.
For 2 months after D-Day I became more distant and colder towards her, so she asked me if I was having an affair to act like that, because she didn’t understand my behavior, she couldn’t find anything on my cell phone or my laptop, she even tried to have sex with me on 3 occasions this month and I rejected her.
I couldn’t believe she even believed I was being unfaithful after what happened. First, she cheated on me with just an apparently emotional affair. Second, after having an assault like the one she had, people usually didn’t want to know about sex but it was strange that she wanted to. She told me she was doing it to try to get closer to me because my extreme indifference that 2 months was killing her. My patience ran out at that moment, I screamed her I was sick of her. I wanted the divorce and she could keep everything we own, I didn’t care, I just wanted my daughter’s urn. (MY BELOVED BABY’S URN IS ANOTHER STORY THAT NEEDS TO BE EXPLAINED) I took my things, my baby’s urn and moved to a cousin’s apartment while she yelled at me not to leave.
It’s been 3 months since D-Day and she’s not going to accept the divorce. My lawyer even told me that it would be difficult since there is no evidence of infidelity as such, she would not cooperate and I would lose a lot of money. Now my family, her family and mutual friends are asking me to come back to her. Even at work my coworkers and boss have told me the same thing.
No one knows the true story of our baby’s cause of death, only my wife and I along with the doctors. (SHE IS PARTLY TO BLAME FOR HER DEATH). I loved that woman, then I became indifferent and now I hate her. I don’t think going to IC and MC again will help, honestly, but if everyone thinks I should go back, my anger may cloud my judgment.
That’s why I write part of my story and ask you if I should give my marriage a chance or force a divorce?