When my husband and I got married 24 years ago I remember him saying “if our first child is a boy, we’re done having children because that’s all I need”. My husband was a very good basketball player in high school and college and so I understood why he would have preferred a son.
We now have 5 daughters and 1 son (I know) and the only reason I had more than 3 kids was because he could very easily financially afford it just by his income alone, and during the time that we were starting our new family it seemed like he made an active effort to be the most supportive, perfect and loving husband.
Our daughters are between the ages of 20 and 9 with our son being the youngest at 6. I noticed pretty much immediately after our son was born that my husband started to almost act like our daughters barely existed. His effort of being the supportive, engaged and active father/husband shifted from our daughters and went 100% to our son, and now I know for a fact that our daughters also noticed it.
Our 17-year-old daughter had a conversation with me in private in which she got emotional and told me how my husband has “treated her like a stranger” ever since our son was born, “never asks about her”, and she feels “abandoned”. Apparently our other daughters feel the same way have been talking about it with each other.
I guess I might have been in denial because a part of me honestly thought my husband had just become very engaged for our son especially (early child basketball etc) but now I realize it’s affecting all of our daughters in a very negative way. I mentioned what our daughter had told me to my husband and he blew it off as her being an “emotional teenager”.
This is a situation I don’t even know how to begin to get a handle on, does anyone know where I should even start?
41 comments
>When my husband and I got married 24 years ago I remember him saying “if our first child is a boy, we’re done having children because that’s all I need”.
I don’t know how this didn’t set off alarm sirens in your head.
>We now have 5 daughters and 1 son (I know)
My eyes rolled into the back of my head.
Seems like you should just be honest that their dad was only wanting a male kid to relive his “glory days” vicariously through and doesn’t actually love any of them, but that’s not a statement on their own worth, they don’t need such a pathetic man’s love in order to be validated.
When your daughters get married and don’t ask him to walk them down the aisle, you will be able to remind him why. My guess would be that you too have suffered some loss of your husband’s time. Maybe you will get lucky and your son won’t excel at, or enjoy, sports and is more of an academic!
Reaping and sowing
You need to sit down and have an actual, serious conversation about this, not “just mentioning” it. And don’t sugar coat the hard truths. If he refuses to change his behaviour with the girls then it’s time to reconsider your marriage. The emotional damage he is inflicting on all the kids, including your son is unacceptable.
Stand up for your kids.
Well you also noticed his favoritism. Is he going to call you an emotional teenager as well?
Ask him a series of general questions about your daughters that he should know. If he comes up blank then he should realize that there is merit to their observations. Unless he is in complete denial he should agree that family therapy should be in order.
Wow. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What is going to happen if OP’s son is bad at sport? A theater kid? Trans-female?
If he doesn’t fit OP’s douchenozzle husband’s idea of masculinity, he’s going face some kind of neglect at best, subject to serious abuse at worst.
OP, get your daughters to call out the sexism openly so your husband can’t pretend they don’t notice the mistreatment.
Well unfortunately you should have started with not having a child with a misogynistic asshole. And failing that you shouldn’t have agreed to keep having kids until he had his boy.
You KNEW he was going to not give a shit about his daughters.
The first place to start is to own your part in this. You knew all he wanted was a boy. You continued to bring girls into the world knowing he didn’t want them.
Then you offer your girls therapy. Make sure to acknowledge not dismiss their feelings. Don’t try to downplay what their shitty excuse for a father is doing.
Also make sure that they’re being financially supported including things like college. Don’t let shitty father fail them in that aspect. Hell if you must get a job and funnel all that money to them.
Don’t forget to make sure you’re there for them. Show up for their events. Even if it means skipping some of your sons things. Make sure at least one of their parents is there for them.
In your shoes I would be putting my ducks in a row for leaving my shitty misogynist husband too. Your daughters will more than likely pull away from you hard when they become adults if you’re still with their sperm donor. Especially the more they see you enabling his neglect.
Your husband told you who he was and you chose to have kids with him anyways. Own your shitty choice in a father for your kids. Own your denial over years. He was a bad dad before you had a son – you just dismissed it because you stupidly thought that’s the best he could do even though he told you he only wanted boys.
Seriously get those poor girls in therapy. They need it.
Way to be an asshole to your daughters. You knew exactly who he was when you married him and decided to have a small brood with him anyways. I feel bad for the girls.
This isn’t real.
So your husband is a classic misogynist that thinks women have no value beyond breeding and you’re showing your daughters that this is acceptable treatment by staying. Do whats right for your kids, not him.
Your as bad as your husband knowing and standing by watching it happen and allowing it to continue
Why did you continue to have kids… I mean come on….. it was him right, we need that son. or you, I’ll give him that son.. you can’t be surprised.
If your husband won’t own up to and chance his behaviour you’re looking at an excruciatingly painful experience for your daughters and a toxic upbringing for your son. On the daughter side of things, talk to them about how they feel and how they want you to address things with your husband. Show them as much love and support as you can. On your sons side, I’d suggest including him in activities with your daughters sometimes. Not that he should always be there, especially if they want some one on one time with you, but enough to foster a positive relationship between siblings and give you oppourtunities to teach him about how to treat girls and women like people. Something tells me your husband will try to pass on some pretty toxic attitudes that will not serve your son well in his life, and could make him at best extremely unpleasant to be around for others.
You still married him after he said that bs and now you’re here shocked? Honestly some of you really baffle me
oh wait till that son ends up nothing like he imagines 😂
Watch your son end up being a ballerina or some shit.
Girls can play basketball too? I genuinely hate your husband.
Your choices are to choose your children over your husband or your choose your husband over your children.
This is not just about him favoring the son and neglecting the girls – it is about how he is damaging ALL of them with this behavior. Your son will grow up with problems from this and your girls are already have been affected by this for SIX YEARS. They are old enough to understand what is going on and have the words to say what they feel to you. Do not ignore the gift you have been given. Your girls are comfortable enough to tell you how hurt they are. That will go away if you squander this opportunity to start making steps to make this right to them and protect and stick up for them.
You can attempt to make your husband care that he will likely alienate his daughters forever but I doubt he will, he seems entirely dismissive of women, including you.
And think about that. He didn’t just dismiss your daughter by calling her an emotional teenager, he dismissed you coming to him.
Imagine how your son is going to treat women when your husband is the one he is learning from?
Your husband is unlikely to be capable of understanding how damaging his behavior is without therapy, given how entrenched his beliefs are, over decades.
I think it is just dawning on you that you and your daughters are not that important and not really that necessary unless your husband wants something.
In his mind he ONLY has 1 son and those poor girls don’t matter.
Your husband told you who he was and you didn’t believe him.
You need to tell him from our POV, and how you have noticed, that it is impacting your daughters.
Everyone one needs therapy too; couples, individual, and family.
I would recommend the daughters try to talk with dad about this, either alone or as a small group. I had some things to work out with my dad when I was a teenager and when I sat him down and talked to him like I was an adult (not just a kid) he opened up to me ans we ended up having a fantastic relationship. I attribute that to the first, very emotionally charged conversation we had about our issues.
Of course, the outcome in your situation will depend on how dad takes it. But at least then your daughters would know they tried and can make an informed decision about their level of contact with him going forward.
Good luck!
It seems you guys needs counseling sooner than later for your daughters sake. I bet he’s already training your son to be an athlete whether he wants to be one or not.
We all know who’s going to go no contact soon.
There are serious problems in this marriage.
1. Your husband needs professional help in dealing with his issues of having boys vs girls.
2. Why didn’t you address this problem sooner when your hubby told you once you have a boy you are done.
3. Your girls needs professional help in dealing with their abandonment issues that they have with their dad.
4. Marriage counseling would be very beneficial if this is repairable.
5. If this can’t be fixed – all of your girls will be NC when they leave home with both of you and maybe even the golden child that they will resent.
The choice is yours. What are you willing to do to save your family?
(I am not a therapist)
My husband and I had 2 girls and stopped, we were fine with 2 children. Then when they were older I got pregnant. Turned out at my doctor’s appointment that the baby wasn’t viable and I had to have a D&C. On the way home my husband said, that was probably my boy. I started crying harder and he felt really bad. I understood he wanted a boy, but I also knew he loved our daughters very much. He got his boys bc both daughters had boys each and one also had a girl later. Unfortunately he never got to see them grow up bc he passed away when they were young and only the oldest remembers him a little.
Your husband is a very toxic father and all of your children are going to have father issues. Personally I wouldn’t have stayed married to someone that didn’t put 100% into raising his daughters. Sorry, but even your son is going to have issues bc of his father. He’s a crappy father!!!
Um…girls play basketball, too???
This was just misogyny the whole time. He could have been just as involved in their lives through their hobbies, including introducing them to basketball. But he can’t identify with anyone who doesn’t have the same genitals, and you considered that normal and fine.
It’s time to decide. Do you empower your girls? Do you rescue all of your children from his patriarchal bullshit? Or do you wait for them to have to heal from their childhood when they’re adults? You can’t change your husband. You can leave him. You can change yourself. You may be able to change yourself enough to protect them a bit, even if you stay with him? Maybe?
I’m not sure where you start when you’ve let something like this go on for 20 years. When you’re first understanding at 49 years old that patriarchal ideas are hurting you and your children. Maybe reading Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle? Maybe a licensed family therapist or social worker can help? But…don’t expect your husband to come along on this journey. He is highly unlikely to come around and see either you or your daughters as fully-realized humans who deserve his attention and love. Your best shot is to start making changes yourself.
God, I hope your son ends up being a jazz dancer or chess club champion.
Oh boy
I was your eldest daughter once and I was 17. Same thing happened almost verbatim to me…
Dad doesn’t know my 2 kids now either and I’m looking at 40 soon. My youngest is 8 too
I grew up and away
I think you need to need to sit him down and lay it all out. No dancing around, no soft language or any of that. Be direct.
Might be time to face up to the fact that you married a misogynist and who doesn’t value women.
Possible idea: Tell your husband you are taking your son for a mom and son day, and that he needs to do the same with him and the girls. It could give him a chance to reconnect and realize how out of touch he’s been
>When my husband and I got married 24 years ago I remember him saying “if our first child is a boy, we’re done having children because that’s all I need”.
So you reproduced six times with an outright misogynist? And now that’s not working very well for you and your five daughters? Who could have predicted this?!
Have you discussed this with him? Like, ‘Hey honey, how about you spend some time with the girls, one-on-one and as a group? It seems we’ve all become a little wrapped up with Junior and they’ve told me they’re missing you.’
>My husband was a very good basketball player in high school and college and so I understood why he would have preferred a son.
Why does he think he needs a son for this? Is he living in the 1950’s still? Women are badass athletes and have every opportunity to become a varsity highschool/college basketball player.
Not saying you can’t want to have a son, I do get that. Dad’s tend to want a boy because they can relate better when it comes to certain things.
Now onto the actual issue. Not only is his behavior going to affect your daughters it will also affect your son. The ego your husband is building will eventually become toxic. Two things can happen, one your son will think he is somehow better than the other siblings. He will 100% notice how much his dad “worships” him. Or Dad will be holding him to such a high standard that your son might feel pressured and even substandard when he does “fail” at things because he knows he is supposed to be the golden child.
I can see your husband being overly excited about finally having a boy, but he needs to remember he has 5 other daughters that deserve his love. He is making his daughters feel like they can never live up to their baby brother.
Document one week’s worth of attention that your husband gives your son, but not your daughters. Ask him to provide actual examples of what he has done to show an interest in them. When the girls have all left and don’t want to know him, will he even care then? I doubt it. I feel so sorry for your girls.
The relationship should’ve ended 24 years ago when he told her “as soon as we have a son that’s it.” How was your gat noa dealbreaker?!
Attitudes like your husband’s (outright misogyny) and yours (internalized misogyny) are the reason this country is going backwards regarding women’s rights.
I know people will pile on me for this answer, but everyone screams about “society” while failing to realize society is you, me, the people around us and the decisions we make (even when we think they’re small decisions).
*shrug*
Wow. He’s done permanent damage. This is so not okay
There’s a lot of women in your shoes who understand. You justify it by saying “once he has daughters, he will feel differently” but your husband is living up true to his word.
Unfortunately these kind of scenarios rarely work out for the dad. The sons grow up to resent their father for the pressure to be just like or better than them, and the daughters resent their father and sometimes brother too.
The good news is that you have the opportunity to step in here. You need to give your husband the clarity of making the choice of what type of father he wants to be. You need to be honest about what your daughter said, and what you have noticed and give him some solutions to change it.
This isn’t just about your daughters, it’s also about his son seeing a man have strong positive relationships with the women in his life. They will always have special relationship, but he needs to change his behaviour if he wants a different outcome than where is headed.
You know what happens when girls grow up with an emotional distant father. I’m sure you’ve seen it. I’m not saying it will 100% happen to all the girls but don’t be suprised when some of them date awful people that hurt them.
Seriously, don’t be all “well gee, shucks, I don’t know why she’s dating that asshole! It’s a mystery 🤷♀️” because you KNOW that this happens when girls are emotionally neglected by their fathers
What’s going to happen if this poor boy decides he doesn’t like basketball.