So I am 25F and 5’8″. I do not sleep around much, at all. I have gone years without having sex. At one point, I thought I was asexual.
However, I met a man this week who is 50 years old and built like a tank. He is 6’5″ and makes me feel so small, when I don’t usually feel that way given my height. When we went on a date, I was afraid of him. We went back to a hotel room, which he paid for, and he proceed to do things like grab me by my hair, throw me down, and just completely physically dominate me. At some points, it hurt. He choked me, hit me, bit me, and pounded me when I cried that it hurt. For the record, I know this sounds extreme, and though I did not technically consent, I also did not object.
He also pleasured me, a lot. In ways no man had EVER made me feel. I did not think it was possible.
When we were done, he kept holding me down when I tried to get up, saying things like “I want you to be just mine.” And I just kept saying, “I am not looking for a relationship.”
But when I went home, I could not stop thinking of him for days. I almost got into two car accidents and kept messing up at work, my mind was in such a fog.
And then, against my better judgement, I made plans to see him, yet again, and he pressured me into doing anal for the first time, which hurt a lot.
I know I am being taken advantage of, but I feel like I’m under a spell. I can’t think rationally. Is any of this okay, if I am technically enjoying it? It feels kind of morally wrong…
UPDATE: I was not expecting the overwhelming amount of concern that stemmed from this post. I honestly did not realize just how oblivious I am until it was pointed out so heavily. Thank you all for being such kind and caring people, and taking the time to put forth reason and logic where I was otherwise blinded.
There was one individual who reached out via DM, and I shared extra details with them. To which we basically clarified that the man I was sleeping with is in the medical field, and had choked me to the point I borderline blacked out, cutting off my oxygen, which endangered me. I had not realized there was an alternate “proper” way to choke me that didn’t involve oxygen loss, and he should have known better, especially since he told me he “knows how to not leave bruises”.
It’s apparent this isn’t just kink. He is dangerous. I will not to see him again. I hope this gives any concerned individuals a sense of relief. I will make the best decision to ensure my own safety. Again, thank you all.