This is my first post so bear with me pls. Also sorry for the long post or any confusion but any opinions would help as I am driving myself crazy and need to know if I am wasting my time. wlw relationship
TL;DR My gf has issues w my idea of inviting an old friend I used to have a crush on (but did nothing romantically, flirty, or sexually w) to a trip w us and another friend. But my gf also occasionally hangs out w her old crush (that she has previously gone on dates w before and flirted w) all while I have mentioned that those actions bother me.
Context: My old friend Erica (23f) invited myself to a trip to TN this summer. Initially the plan was for Erica, her friend C (24m), myself and my gf to drive up and spend a few days to explore the city. C lives up north and would be driving separately, but unfortunately travel issues have come up lately so C’s ability to go has yet to be confirmed. My friend Erica and I have been trying to find another friend who would be down and could make the trip with us to ease some of the financial load. However much of Erica’s friends have turned down the offer and I don’t have many friends in my home state that could make the trip. However I have one friend named Nat (24f) that came to mind who would most likely be able to join and was at one point an old crush and coworker.
Here’s the issue(s): So yes, at one point I crushed on my friend Nat (who is straight and has a bf). I’ll also add that I have never gone on a romantic date and neither of us reciprocally flirted w each other unlike the situation with my gf’s previous crush. However that was in the past and that phase quickly faded as I realized that Nat is just a friend and coworker and maybe the crush feelings were due to hanging out often at and off of work and being one of my only friends at the time. As I previously mentioned I don’t have many friends in my area and during covid neither did Nat, so we often hung out and even helped each other study as we’re both in college.
My gf of going on 3 yrs knows Nat and is aware that I previously crushed on her and knows I no longer feel that way towards Nat, nor have I or we have ever done anything romantic/sexual or non platonic. We’ve all gone out before on a few different occasions both in sober and drinking/smoking environments and things went well. My gf had no issues or complaints as far as I was aware and I also have told my gf that I no longer crush on Nat and haven’t regularly spoken to her or hung out w her in almost 2 yrs bc ya know, life. A few days ago I told my gf that Erica and I were trying to find a 4th person to join the trip since C may not make it and I told my gf I was thinking about inviting Nat. Immediately my gf responded with no w almost no explanation. I questioned it further as I was under the impression there would be no issues as Nat, my gf, and I have all gone out before and Nat has mutual friends w Erica.
My gf explained that she said no to me inviting Nat bc she doesn’t fit the vibe and that I used to crush on Nat. I got a little upset bc this was the 1st time I’ve heard my gf having an issue w Nat joining. I found it as an out the blue reaction and it put a bad taste in my mouth. The thing is, my gf and i were friends for a bit before we started dating. And she had a crush on one of my coworkers a (22f). Said coworker also flirted back and enjoyed the attention. Before my gf and I had started dating she had flirted w said coworker, gone out on a brunch date, parties, and gone out together to get tattoos.
Then my gf and I started dating and at one point said coworker, my now gf, and I were invited to my gf’s best friend’s grad party. I can be a bit of an introvert and big parties aren’t really my thing and that night I ended up leaving early bc I didn’t wanna stay longer than I needed to. After I left the party took a turn and everyone there was pretty messed up. I later learned that said coworker spilt alcohol on my gf and basically drank/licked the alcohol off of her chest/boobs.
Fast forward some months, my coworker who my gf previously crushed on asked to pull up to my gf’s house which was not too far from where we worked to “nap” (quotations bc who knows what really happened). My gf told me about the instance shortly after the nap and said coworker left and tbh I was not a fan since they both flirted and said coworker liked the attention. It made me feel icky and I found it disrespectful and I voiced the fact that if the tables were turned and it were me who gave the ok to my old crush Nat to just pull up and sleep in my bed w me, that my gf would be livid. My gf at first defended herself saying nothing happened but later admitted that it was wrong to do so and that she can understand how that upset me.
I have spoken to my gf about her hanging out w said coworker on a few occasions and I believe I had made it clear that i dislike said coworker as they have disrespected myself and my gf. More so disrespected myself more than my gf often times throwing me under the bus regarding money issues when I was still working w that coworker. We were a management team of 6. 2 bosses (1 GM and 1 OM and the rest of us 4, regular shift managers) our other 2 shift manager coworkers defended me and our OM stated that there was no reason for said coworker to try to push the blame on me. Personally, I don’t feel the need to keep people in my life who have done me wrong w little to no reason so the fact that my gf sees said coworker (outside of work) from time to time is something I cannot understand. For more context, my gf also works for the same company as my coworker but at different locations and has recently gotten a promotion not on the same level as my coworker but basically just a step below. I quit working for that company about 2 yrs ago.
Present: After my gf denied the idea (again it was only the idea, I had not even reached out to Nat yet) of me inviting Nat, I got upset, snapped and ranted how I found it to be a huge double standard. And I brought up her previous crush on my (ex) coworker as a parallel. As my gf once again went out w her best friend, said coworker, and another mutual just last week and drank. My gf did not take that lightly and got upset at me for being upset. AITA here for calling out the double standard? This is not the first time I’ve mentioned a double standard or hypocrisy occurring in our relationship. And when these issues have occurred I’m the one who ends up apologizing first bc it makes her sad or mad about how I communicate that I am upset. Or my gf tries to continue things as if nothing happened and would prefer not to address things. She is sensitive and not a fan of confrontation and often feels that I am attacking who she is as a person, when in reality I am usually trying to explain my perspective on the issue and why and how it upset me. When I get hurt or upset it feels as if her apologies are short and not sincere. Just more said and done to get things back to normal. But when she gets upset, it becomes a whole thing, I get the silent treatment until she is ready to get over things even when I am actively pushing my feelings aside to try to fix things.
As I mentioned my gf is sensitive and does not like when I get upset bc she says I can be mean. The best way I can explain is that my gf says I can be mean and cold. Well to be fair it is bc I’m upset. But I’ll be honest and say when I am upset mainly on issues we have discussed before, I can be rude or short. I can put up w things and let them pass but once I’ve hit my limit it’s difficult for me to express my frustration and I blow up or spill my feelings that have been building up. But I find it difficult to come forward about my feelings when I feel I have become a broken record and find myself getting hurt or upset about the same situation but in different times, places and with the same people only to be met w the same “you’re being mean to me, I’m sorry can you stop being mad at me, or you’re right I’ll work on it” responses. I’m aware that I am not a perfect person nor is anyone else. I would not like to be one who dictates what anyone else should do with their life but I believe that the first 1 or 2 times of me expressing my dislike for said ex coworker or the fact that I would rather my gf not hang out w that coworker would have gotten the point across. But I don’t understand why they still occasionally hang out.
I understand that I have my own issues obviously with trust and jealousy and can be pretty skeptical. But that comes from being previously naive for a long time and I would not like for my gf to be taken advantage of similarly to how I was. I’m very much a person who can forgive but does not forget. I’m not perfect and I know that I have my own issues to work on. I don’t know, this is my first long term relationship. Is how I am feeling valid and are there double standards? Am I a fool for putting up w this? Or am I the fool? Any opinion on the situation would help.