I’m so sorry in advance, this is a long one.
Me and my friend, let’s call him John, met at work a year ago. We have been talking for about 9 months and a potential relationship has always been up in the air. He expressed that he likes to take things slow and does not want to jump into anything too quickly. I completely understand and respect that (not to mention I have only been in one serious relationship in the past and it started in high school into adulthood, so a lot of our experiences are new to me). We clicked instantly when we first started talking and it was a very strong connection. We talk for hours and get into deep conversation about anything and we are very understanding of each other. We have had our fair share of arguments as well and although those could get pretty heated, we have always been good at resolving issues and trying to understand each others sides. Now part of the reason we haven’t taken that next step I think is because he is in a higher position than me at work, and even though our positions are completely separate and there would never be any overlap since I have my own management in my department, we never wanted any complications from work or to have other coworkers find problems with it. So no one actually knows how close we really are. Some people have noticed the way we act around each other however no one knows anything outside of just work interactions and we would rather do without others opinions and drama. So now, we are both taking actions to leave this company and work in other fields completely separate from each other and we have been talking about things moving forward. However there is one problem we have constantly been running into. John has somewhat high standards when it comes to the people he keeps around in his life, and with that, he has his opinions on how people perceive themselves to others. (This is something I admire about him since my family does not know boundaries and I have worked hard to learn how to set them for myself). He had expressed early on that he was uncomfortable with the way I would talk to other guys at work. I am a shy person and usually I am always very smiley and giggly when others talk to me. Our job is mainly male based and me being one of the few females, I tend to get hit on or have guys flirt with me often. And although I am not interested in any of them in that way, the way I respond could be taken like I would be and that has made John feel disrespected and hurt. (I also have a problem where I’m afraid of coming off as rude or impolite to others and it often causes me to sacrifice my own comfort to apease others.) I have been trying to work on this with myself and this situation has made me work even harder to put myself first. However there has been 3 interactions and each one is making John feel more and more disrespected as he doesn’t completely understand how it could be so hard for me. The first 2 times he said I was full on flirting with coworkers right in front of him, I was completely oblivious to this. This lead to arguments with me being defensive and saying i honestly didn’t think I was flirting. I thought I was just joking around with coworkers like anyone else would but John felt like it was obvious flirting and that I was giving the wrong idea. Even though I disagreed I still respected that he wasn’t okay with that and I did everything I could to think about how I talk/ act with others. Especially after the second time it happened, I felt like I really understood where he was coming from and I completely dialed it back in my opinion. Then recently, it came up again. We were at work and I was not feeling too good that morning. One of the higher ups walked by and asked if I was doing okay, I replied by saying “yes, do I look bad or something?” while smiling and laughing about it. John heard and asked who I was talking too, I told him and also asked him if I looked bad that day. He told me no and then next day he let me know that it made him upset. He explained that because that coworker is a big flirt and is always hitting on girls, I should have known that he would take it as such. He feels like asking him if I looked bad was unnecessary since he would obviously respond by telling me I look good or something along those lines. And that in general it makes me look like I’m open to anyone who is interested and that I’m waiting for someone to hook onto me. I was completely at a loss and I didn’t know what to say other then apologize. We ended up arguing with me saying I’m trying my best and I felt like I really understood and I honestly didn’t mean it that way. And then him saying that I don’t understand since I did it again and I don’t care enough about how he feels about the situation since to him it’s such a simple thing that I should’ve got instantly. I’m just lost and confused and I don’t want to just stay friends forever, but he has said he doesn’t know how many times he can feel disrespected before it’s just 1 too many. He’s doesn’t know how I would react if someone were to come up to me and start hitting on me while I’m alone, and he can’t commit to someone he can’t trust in that situation. I really don’t know what to do more and could really use opinions. If you read this whole thing, thank you so much and I appreciate what you have to say.