SORRY FOR LONG STORY IN ADVANCE
I need help in thinking clearly about this situation and answers to the questions I put in between.
So a little backstory. We got into a relationship during covid times 2020 end. She was 17.5 and I was 22 at the time.
Soon into the relationship and my mother passed away. She was there for me then. The next year (2021) went blurry. She told me way later that had that not happened she was planning to breakup with me.
2022 an incident happened where one of my friends made fun of her smile while taking our photo (and I understood right there that she was hurt) and she got mad at me for not taking a stand right then and there. When this was the first time for me to face this kind of situation. In that moment I thought not to make a big issue and talk to my friend in private. But my girlfriend had already lost respect and trust for me. Since then, it had been constant fights and arguments over and over again over some topic or another. This instance used to come out a lot too.
Endless reassurance to trust me to act differently next time also didn’t help.
Multiple breakups she did over arguments that didn’t deserve neither energy nor the grief and pain of a breakup. I used to wake up cold and broken the next day.
During 2022 end she broke up and called up a friend of mine to apparently “take care” of me. But 5 days later I only swallowed the hard pill and decided to not give up on her. We got back again together. But now my friends had lost respect for her. And the fights continued.
2023 beginning we had a good birthday celebration of hers all friends and siblings present. First couple months were good and we went onto small trips and all where we really bonded. It was already 2.5 yrs at this point.
She broke up in April 2023, citing she needed time for her to grow and focus on herself. I had already told her this was too much now and I won’t take much time to move on from her if she decides to breakup again. And even after crying and telling her to rethink her decision she didn’t hesitate. (Note. Just couple days ago she was afraid how she’ll live if I ever die). Two days later, when she already saw me not much affected by her decision, she told me she has a crush on this guy from her college and that’s why she couldn’t see me hurting and hence broke up. I was devastated.
She had been honest about this guy with me since last couple of months. How her college friends were teasing her with his name knowing that she was in a relationship. She said she felt a little flustered around him for no reason. She did think he was attractive. But she never talked to him and avoided him. I had urged her to talk to and get to know him as it always tells the reality of the person and shatters the image that one has formed inside their head. But she didn’t.
So after the Breakup I asked her if she wants to get back together. She couldn’t give me surity for one month. So I left. She was devastated when I left. She told me it was a fleeting thought and she stopped having crush for him the day she broke up with me. (She did get a super crazy crush on the same guy after two months). I left and became cold and distant and rude. Until I had to leave the city for my job.
Q. 1) I still don’t know If I made the right choice of getting back together then? Did I?
We got back together unhealed and with unresolved issues.
It went baddd and lots of disrespect and fighting still persisted.
She broke up over an Instagram post I shared in Jan beginning and gave me surity of “US” not ever being a thing again. Meanwhile I was already on my edge. Keeping it together. I suggested to be friends and calmly work things out and give her space. She decides to install dating app and tell me she has gone far. But then quickly uninstalls it because it was hurting me. Still I waited. Until one day she fought and disrespected me so bad, even she knew that it’ll push me away. And it did.
I had already started casually talking to this amazing catholic girl since Jan. And if I weren’t trying to keep my old relationship together, I would have definitely thought of this girl. But I had to stop talking to her as she had developed feelings and I was unsure about the feasibility of it all being from different religions.
So after that big fight with my ex, where I was blocked even I tried to repair it I couldn’t. I started talking to this new girl. And we very soon became very close. Within a week, when I came back to the city, we got carried on and we made out. I couldn’t go all the way because of course I hadn’t completely moved on. And I couldn’t get time or opportunity to tell my ex that I was moving on/seeing someone else.
My ex, who was gonna apologize to me over the same weekend and make it “right”, saw the hickey on my neck right away and felt completely shattered and betrayed. She cried, broke down, slapped me. And felt so so broken. I was numb to see her like that.
Q. 2) Did I cheat on my ex in any way?
I knew the path I had chosen. And it shook me then that our road was over. I spiralled into depression right that day. I was also sad I couldn’t give my ex proper closure, the way she deserved. I started journalling and taking therapy. My therapist said I didn’t have to jump into a relationship so soon. So I told the new girl that until I was mentally ready we will be friends only. And I couldn’t get physical after that until we build a proper emotional bond.
Meanwhile I was busy recovering and forming a relationship with myself and this girl.
Fast forward, My ex was attempting suicide, which I don’t know how much of it was real, but I didn’t take it lightly and warned her not to do so or I’ll call the police.
Fast forward she told me she went all the way physically with someone else and it fucking broke me. I didn’t want her to become someone she wasn’t just because of what I did. My intention was different and the place I was coming from was different. Then I get to know that she was lying and being petty to teach me a lesson of “how much it hurt”. That weekend I got to talk to her and meet her and calmly give her the closure she deserved. On a rooftop 5 star hotel witha dinner and a view of city lights, a token of gratitude of whatever she’s done.
I became more peaceful after that. And reminded myself everyday not to go back to her.
Meanwhile I bond with the new girl. I find her still a kid and needing time to grow on her own. But her love was real and pure and very true. Just having eyes for me. Just as I wanted. But I felt she was my right person wrong time. She was catholic challenges. But she was very understanding though. And comfortable with my relegion (Hinduism) too. And also the inter faith thing would have brought its own challenges. We were just 2-3 months into talking so I decided to stop it with her. She had told me I can take as much time to be sure. But as a man I can’t keep her waiting right?
Q.3) Did I do right? Or should I give it a fair chance? Should I take the risk of going into a inter faith relationship?
Meanwhile I got constant updates from my ex, how she was diagnosed with BPD. She always had anxiety attacks even while in the relationship, and Is mentally unwell.
The latest development being, SHE WENT PHYSICAL AND MADE OUT WITH A RANDOM GUY SHE MET ON A DATING PLATFORM.
She was the one who told me she can’t look at anyone else physically than me. She can’t be with anyone else physically if she’s not in love with them. All that.
Then for the desperate need for connection and some kinda of physical validation she does this?! She tells me she made out and the guy only kissed her, her chest and fingered her. And they were going to go all the way but she couldn’t and she got turned off because he slapped her kinkyly and all. She didn’t go all the way. She didn’t even touch his D. She just apologised a got out. And tried calling me 4-5 times to tell me what she’s done, apparently to tell me that she didn’t feel safe with him. But I couldn’t pick up as it was midnight and we were in different cities.
I went home on the weekend and I get to know this story. I AM SHOOK. NOT HURT MUCH. JUST SHOOK. Lost a lot of respect for her. She tells me she couldn’t open her eyes while kissing because she didn’t wanna face another face and that SHE IS GLAD SHE DIDN’T GO ALL THE WAY. AND THAT THIS EXPERIENCE PROVED TO HER THAT SHE CAN’T UNLESS THERE’S AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. (But I somehow doubt that as I know if only the guy acted right, she would have gone all the way).
So she didn’t go all the way. She said it was unlike her and she went against her values and all. And that she’s out of hookup culture for good. Uninstalled the app and blocked the guy and all. Just like before, when after the suicide attempt, when she had started talking to a guy in attempt to form a connection, but he didn’t actually right and was not her type, and she was stuck on me, so she blocked him and uninstalled the app. This time she installed it again, did the deed, learned a lesson (I don’t know, she says she has) and uninstalled it again.
Q.3) But since we all do make mistakes…. should I not hold this one against her? Should I believe that she has learnt her lesson? In one day?! Or should I just let her be and experience life on her own?
Q.4) She suggested to repair our bond by suggesting couples therapy and asking me for commitment to build trust and respect. And resolve all past issues that we didn’t until now. Which could apparently make our relationship work work. Should I go back?
Q.5) Or should I have stayed with my new girl?
Please guide.