We got married 2 years ago and dated 3 years before that. I do not have some super buff body or anything, but I do go to the gym relatively often and watch what I eat. My wife has always been a bit chubby, but she is still very beautiful. And that isn’t just my view, she was known in our friend group before we dated as a very beautiful woman.
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Regardless, she has an incredible amount of insecurity over my body. She wants me to cover up in public basically. She constantly presumes people are looking at me sexually. She sort of chastised me about wearing a sleeveless shirt to go play basketball, saying that other women will be looking at my arms. She took me to the side at brunch and told me to button my shirt up because my chest hair was showing. I lifted my shirt to wipe sweat off my face during a picnic and later she was like “did you have to show off your abs like that? people were probably looking”. She has a weird fixation over whether my pants/shorts ‘show my bulge’ or not (they do not, but she seems to worry they do). She literally requested to her sister for a pic of us at her pool to be taken down because I was shirtless in it. That was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. I have talked to her about this, but usually just give in. This time I genuinely confronted her about it.
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At first she was just saying that it was a jealousy thing. And I think it is, to an extent. We had a discussion about it and she agreed that she would stop being so controlling. But then she broke down and said that she ‘cant stand’ the idea of other women looking at me, saying that she constantly is terrified I will leave her, that her worst nightmare is some beautiful supermodel girl coming up to me at the gym and flirting while she isn’t there. She said that she can’t imagine still picking her after a beautiful woman flirts with me. She also commented on the fact that I had only had sex with one woman before her, and that she doesn’t get why I have no interest in fucking the ‘countless’ women who would want to fuck me. She cant comprehend it. She said that she has tried keeping this from me but she can’t anymore. And so she went back on what she said before, and asked that I just please respect her wishes for me to be modest just for her sake. I said okay, I will, but I think I only said that because she was hysterically crying. Needless to say throughout this conversation I told her many times that what she said was not true, that she was beautiful, that I would never leave her etc. All of that is true, I wasn’t just saying it to comfort her. I told her specifically that she is pretty widely known in our social circle as a very beautiful woman, its not just me telling her that. It was in one ear out the other.
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I was just flabbergasted. For one, I had no clue she viewed me this way, as some type of guy who could apparently sleep with supermodels any time I please and apparently is constantly approached by them (again, not true). I also had no idea she has this incredible fear that I am going to leave her if this happens… I would never do that. I thought she knew that.
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I just don’t even know what to say now. I can only reassure her so many times. It feels like nothing I say breaks through to her in terms of me telling her I would never leave her.
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What do I do? Its the morning after. She comes home in two hours.
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TL;DR – – wife broke down and told me the reason why she always asks me to cover up is that she hates the idea of other women lusting after me and she is petrified i will leave her for a more beautiful woman
28 comments
Therapy. Lots of therapy
There’s not much you can do. With all kindness, this is a her problem. She may need more reassurance in her appearance/your love for her, but she could just need therapy.
This is her problem. Being kind and patient and encouraging her to seek therapy is your path forward.
I am just here for solidarity.
I am ugly as shit, but my wife’s big sexy fluffy ass has made me feel this way before. It’s wild because I couldn’t imagine life with anyone else. Here she thinks how I look or how outgoing I can be really means an increased chance of me ever not thinking of her as the greatest woman to ever live.
You are not alone sir.
Therapy now. This is her problem, not yours.
>saying that other women will be looking at my arms. She took me to the side at brunch and told me to button my shirt up because my chest hair was showing. I lifted my shirt to wipe sweat off my face during a picnic and later she was like “did you have to show off your abs like that? people were probably looking”. She has a weird fixation over whether my pants/shorts ‘show my bulge’ or not (they do not, but she seems to worry they do).
This sounds weird because I don’t know any women who ogle men like this in real life. (I also feel like she’s vastly overestimating the appeal of sweat and visible chest hair.) In any case, this is a her problem that you can’t reason her out of because she wasn’t reasoned into it. Deep-seated insecurities can’t be fixed by external reassurances because that is like throwing things into a bottomless pit. The work has to come from within.
That looks like a self-fulfilling prophecy if I’ve ever seen one. She is so scared of you leaving her that she is doing things that would actively make anyone consider leaving the relationship. If by chance this got to a point that made you leave she would then think: “I knew it all along!”
Your wife needs therapy. You shouldn’t need to deal with this frankly ridiculous behavior.
You’re being a good husband by caring about your wife and her emotional state. But there’s simply not an excuse for her to be this hung up on policing your body and who may see it.
Her insecurity is her problem.
This isn’t about your body. You will not be able to do enough to quell her feelings of fear (of you running off with another woman)
This is a deeply set personality disorder that requires the help of a professional.
If untreated, her focus will start to dwell on your innocent actions….why you walked to the mailbox that way, why you chose to turn right at that light, why you didn’t notice the presence of clouds and she mentioned that she was worried it would rain.
This could the beginning stage of a terrible situation for her that will require her to get psychological treatment and perhaps medication through careful planning by a doctor. Your description of her crying hysterically over you wearing a polo, or showing your abdominal area is not normal.
Don’t underestimate what you are dealing with. She’s at the age where these types of symptoms start showing up.
It’s not about your body. There’s way more going on here. Careful with her, she needs help, but don’t let her charm her way out of it. Get a therapist that’s qualified to handle this type of behavior with the possibility of her needing more intense therapy.
She needs therapy. If I’m walking around with an attractive guy I’m totally cool with the rest of the world knowing it
this will become a self fulfilling prophecy for her, like others have said! and it wouldnt even be because you met someone else, itd be because its too much and it hurts the relationship. its also borderline possessive if not already. i would get so sick of listening to her, it just gets so exhausting.
Anything *you* do or say is just a band-aid. A moment of security that will need to be replaced often. More reassurances. More modesty. Your behavior will never satisfy her. It will never fully remove her doubt or anxiety. She needs therapy to truly solve this issue.
You’ve done nothing wrong OP and I agree with everyone else saying your wife needs therapy…
I’ll just add I wonder if something happened in your wife’s history where this insecurity of pops up. Did a previous ex of her’s cheat or leave her for a more “beautiful” woman? Maybe happened to a close friend or her parents? Maybe not for you to uncover that might be best for therapist
She needs therapy; you can’t fix this- only she can.
She needs professional help. She is being unreasonable. Tell her that either she trusts you or she doesn”t and either way, she needs professional help to deal with her jealousy and insecurity. I am sorry you have to deal with this. If you don’t, she will make up a story and believe it and then punish you for her story. DO NOT have a child with her until she has been treated and can live life like a normal person.
Terrified you’ll leave her for someone else and yet inadvertently causing more harm than good, ya she needs therapy
The thing to keep in mind is that *no* amount of “dressing modestly” will solve this problem for her. It’s not possible. All trying does is enable her to imagine that her anxiety is your fault. That’s actually the opposite of helping her; the loving thing to do here is to try to help her understand that *she* needs to manage *her* anxiety, whether that means working on it privately or seeing a professional therapist.
That severe anxiety stems from something.
I could think of the following:
– Severe body image issues (dysmorphia) – she’s beautiful but doesn’t see it. What does she see in the mirror? Probably not what you or your friends see.
– Severe attachment issues/loss – very anxious about losing you. Did she lose someone in the past because of her appearance? Or their appearance? Did she get judged for her appearance at home with her family or while growing up? Did that make a huge difference in how she perceives/prioritizes appearance for herself and others?
As everyone said, she’d benefit from therapy. But she’s very sensitive to things at the moment, so maybe be gentle with bringing it up.
There’s no convincing her right now about what you’ve said again and again. Trauma healing (which is what it’s starting to sound like for her given her extreme reaction) is super complex….and starts with seeing someone who specializes in this, depending on what may have caused the reaction in the first place (and what then happened after, subsequently strengthening this trigger and response).
And like everyone is saying….it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy…and maybe if you leave her, she’d believe it was because it was her appearance. It might have happened in previous relationships too.
Be gentle with her…and confirm your stance on things.
But you also have to speak your side too. Maybe she needs to know how you’re feeling right now. She probably doesn’t want you to feel this way.
A relationship is a two-way street.
Hopefully, she’ll work on things on her end in order to make sure you guys work out.
Good luck! You’ve been very patient so far. Thank you for doing what you’ve done. But also keep in mind, you’ve got every right to feel what you’re feeling. Don’t dismiss your own feelings.
She needs help, yesterday.
I’m as insecure as she is and BOY my internal warning system goes ham everytime by Fiancé has a gig & I see all these absolutely stunning women drooling over him.
But. It’s _my_ problem. He’s my man. He’ll come right into my arms after every gig. If I can’t be there, he’ll call me right afterwards. No matter how ugly I see myself in the mirror, I’m as beautiful to him, as he is to me (and all those girls lol) and I know it. Rationally. So, I won’t make him feel bad for that he’s just a catch & make up my mind by myself.
I’d love to have some advice for your wife, but I have none. Like, I’m in therapy for 13 years & that’s how I learnt to not self-sabotage dur to my insecurities. It really is all that helps. Therapy.
She needs therapy to sort her issue of projecting fears. She is telling a story that hurts her own feelings and then feels real. I’ve been there 🥲
I mean, this is just a genderswapped version of a very common type of post here.
First it’s the clothes. Then goodbye to any female friends or acquaintances. Then it’s that these women are actively flirting with you and you shouldn’t talk to them. It’s the cashier at the grocery store, it’s the neighbor, whatever, and you’re “entertaining” them. Etc.
She needs therapy and you do not and SHOULD not change how you dress to accommodate her. It will not change anything. It will not soothe her anxieties. Arguably, it could make her more controlling.
And NOT couple’s counseling. She needs individual therapy, to address her insecurities and need for control. You are not doing anything wrong, this is not a “both of us are at fault” scenario.
“Would you respect a married guy that went off with a supermodel? No? Why would you want to marry one in the first place if you didn’t have full faith in a guy knowing he chose you over every other supermodel in the world? Why would you want to continue to be in a relationship with a guy that leaves you at the slightest chance of meeting a supermodel?”
Her behavior is very alarming and controlling. If it were a man behaving this way and controlling their wife to this degree people on this sub wouldn’t be saying “DIVORCE!” rather than “encourage her to go to therapy.”
She’s being so manipulative. You need to stay firm in letting her know that you won’t leave her because some pretty woman flirts with you, she should hope that you’re with her for more than her beauty, and surely she isn’t with you just because she thinks you’re handsome? But if she doesn’t learn to manage her jealousy and insecurity and project it onto you, then you might and the very way she’s reacting to her worst fears will be what realizes them. I doubt she’d appreciate it if you told her not to wear shorts and crop tops, it would be controlling and a form of emotional abuse. If she really loves you, she needs to do better because it’s not fair to put your partner through that.
If your wife was a man, people would be up in arms over the way she’s controlling what you’re allowed to wear and do because of her insane insecurities.
She needs therapy and lots of it. Do not let her control your wardrobe or actions.
Didn’t see anyone say this yet, but the projection of this insecurity onto you feels like praise, but it’s incredibly insulting.
Wow my wife thinks I can pick up and run away with supermodels. she must think I’m incredibly attractive.
But also… my wife thinks so low of my moral character that she feels with the slightest opportunity I would actively destroy our relationship and betray her.
Her insecurity is not your responsibility or problem. It is hers and she is responsible for getting help and processing her feelings. You wouldn’t be with her she didn’t like her, and her constantly expecting that you’re going to be looked at by other women is an absolute joke.
If you’re good to her then you deserve for the relationship to continue, and you also deserve to dress however you please within reason. I don’t think I’d wear a mens bikini swimsuit everywhere 😂 but you get my point. If she cannot handle it she can either learn how to handle it on her own, go to therapy, or leave you and then wind up being one of the millions of people on this subreddit looking for somebody and not finding them.
We are all responsible for getting help and processing feelings BEFORE getting into a relationship, I keep saying this over and over I don’t understand why people with these types of issues think they’re ready for a relationship because every post such as this proves the person is not ready yet they are still in a relationship. Again this isn’t like it’s a healthy boundary where she doesn’t want you going out to the bar alone with a female getting cock crazy drunk etc. You’re walking around during life for Christ’s sake. She’s taking her issues out on you and it’s nothing that you’re doing wrong, no boundary you are crossing no promise you made between the two of you etc.
Just like I would say to a man if the positions were reversed – SHE IS FULLY AT FAULT FOR THIS END OF STORY – dress as you please she needs to learn to accept reality she has no control over you.
Other people’s insecurities are not your problem. The next time she chastises you to dress a certain way because other people are looking, just say, “So what?”
Do that until she understands that 1) you’re not gonna change your wardrobe or lifestyle for her, 2) she is the one with the problem, and 3) your faithfulness to her isn’t dependent on what other people think of you.