I don’t know what to do and I can’t stop. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over four years but I’ve had anxiety (Rocd) throughout the entire relationship. It’s gotten terrible lately as I’m going through a big transitional period in my life. I started overthinking how we don’t have the same goals / priorities and future visions completely. I feel numb a lot in the relationship due to rocd but I love him so much. One thing that’s always bothered me about him is how he is the jealous type- he’s paranoid and definitely does not completely trust me. This has led me to not trust myself and obsess over how I’m “out of control.”
I have been obsessed with the idea of being “free” and alone lately once I’m graduated and all. The thing is, I love him and don’t want to not be with him- but is that just comfort? Each day I feel different.
I’ve been reckless. We are currently on a break as of last week ( I SHOULD ALSO MENTION THAT I PLANNED TO BREAK UP WITH HIM THAT DAY AND HE DIDN’T THINK OF IT AS AN OPTION) and one of the factors is because I told a guy at school that I have a crush on him and he felt the same way. I felt terrible for this but in those moments it’s like I lose control of myself because of how lost I’ve been feeling lately. I told him. So yeah, we are on a break now but let’s just say much more talking has happened with this guy and he would not appreciate it.
He has also straight up not been respecting the break, he keeps texting me. He’s told me that I’m crushing his soul a few times. I feel terribly guilty because of how badly he is feeling- and I know we could work together but I feel like I’ve gone too far in many ways (not just with this guy- but with my mindset and telling friends etc).
I can’t help but also believe that him not respecting the break and guilting me in many ways is manipulative. I’ve had many bad gut feelings through the relationship that relate to this but I’ve never known if they were rational thoughts or not. I don’t know what to believe anymore.