My fiance (28M) and I went to his coworkers birthday party Saturday night and everything was fine. I arrive 3hrs after he did (he ubered) and he was already hammered. I don’t mind that he drinks but it seems a little early to be blasted by 6pm when the party was just getting started. By the end of the night he was an angry drunk and yelled at everyone in the party, including his supervisors that were present. I was MORTIFIED to say the least. And yes I have experienced his angry side but recently he has gotten angrier and blows up over the simplest things. We finally left the party and as we’re driving home he begins to yell at me. He tells me he has ptsd and no one cares. I reply saying I understand but I’m not going to discuss right now that you’re inebriated. He kept raising his voice and I told him if he didn’t calm down I’d get off the freeway and have him get out of my car. He laughed and started saying “good luck getting in my house b$tch”. I was shocked and proceeded to get off the freeway.
Once we were off I pulled next to a gas station and told him to get out. He got out and proceeded to say “f u , you fu$$n fat b$tch”.
I was so shaken by this whole experience but in that moment I felt relief that this was finally over. I could finally end my relationship and people would understand and not call me crazy.
He was super drunk and this isn’t the first time he has had angry outbursts both drunk and sober.
This is the person I’m supposed to marry in 6 months and now I’m thinking of ending it all. I love this person with all of my heart but I don’t think I can forgive him. His parents don’t think he can do anything wrong and justify his every action. They are such good people and they treat me so well but it’s not like they can slap their kid and tell him to realize he’s going to ruin his life with these anger problems. For context his father also has anger problems that I’ve witnessed before. They do not live in the same state as us but I’ve seen how he treats the mom. My dash camera recorded the whole thing.
Part of me feels like this is my chance to break free, we have no kids so there isn’t much collateral damage. How do I decide what to do? Can therapy help him?
24 comments
If you had a daughter, would you be okay if she were treated this way? What would you tell her to do?
You should have already decided, the relationship is over, cut contact, cancel the wedding, move on to someone else who treats you better. Therapy might help him independently, but you don’t comeback from this, this is abusive language.
If your friend or sister told you this story, what would you tell her? Is this someone you want to be legally bound to for the rest of your life?
This is 100% your wake up call to GTFO. This behavior is not acceptable, PTSD or not. It’s an excuse. No, PTSD does NOT cause someone to be verbally and emotionally abusive to their partner (I’d bet there is some physical there, right?). It causes flashbacks to certain situations that trigger terrible memories. A birthday party is not that situation.
You know you deserve better. Please don’t fall for his guilt. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline to learn about the cycle of violence and the power and control wheel. You are in an abusive relationship and it will not get better. I am sorry to tell you this, but you have to take care of yourself.
OP PLEASE break up with this man. He does not respect you and you even said it felt relief that it was finally over and you could end it. So do just that and end it, if you feel relieved at the thought of ending it, it’s time for the relationship to end
If he treats you like that, and you’re not even married, runaway.
Run, don’t walk. It will get worse. Do not legally bind yourself to this person, do not have children with this person. Don’t fall victim to sunken cost fallacy. Rewatch the dashcam footage, even though it may hurt and remind yourself you do not deserve to be treated this way, and that his problems are not yours to be responsible for. If you feel able to, show the footage to a friend or family member, you shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. Wishing you the best of luck, be free x
Get your stuff and leave him. Tell him you’re done and you’re cancelling the wedding.
Run don’t walk. This is how women get killed.
1. You said he’s an angry drunk then expressed that he’s the same way sober. So you can stop blaming alcohol.
2. You also contradicted yourself by saying his parents are good people and good to you but they don’t see his abusive behavior towards you as wrong. They don’t give a fuck about you.
3. You clearly feel liberated. It sounds like a huge weight came off your shoulders so why are you wondering why/how to get him back?
4. Who tf cares if therapy will help him? He is no longer your concern. His anger and entitlement is deeply embedded in him thanks to his parents.
5. Keep the recording. DO NOT delete it!!
6. Congratulations on your newfound freedom.
This is not salvageable. The only right path for YOU is to break things off. It doesn’t matter what people think, you are the one getting abuse. Don’t marry your abuser or you’ll be become another statistic.
He’s a verbally/emotionally abusive man with a drinking problem.
Statistics prove that abuse only gets worse after marriage, and very likely things will escalate to physical abuse.
Roughly 55% of domestic abuse perpetrators were drinking alcohol before they assaulted their partner.
You need to get out now. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You owe it to yourself and your future to protect yourself and save your life. You can’t fix him. You can’t heal him. You don’t have the power or the control to make him better. You have to take off the rose colored glasses and see him for exactly who he is.
Every abuser has good aspects to them. Most have charming personalities and are very good at making you feel sorry for them. You have to remember he’s not the victim. He’s not the one in danger. You are.
He will get worse of you marry him, not better. Please don’t marry him just because you don’t want to upset other people, you only get one life.
Get out. He is abusive and this will get way worse after you’re married. “You’ve seen how he treats his mom”? You know exactly what’s coming for you.
You should send him a copy of the dash cam recording so he can see for himself what kind of a man he is. Maybe (just maybe) it’ll be humbling enough for him to see how effed up he really is.
The fact that you felt liberated speaks volumes in itself. You’re quite done with that relationship, it seems. And boy do I NOT blame you!!
If indeed it is ptsd then he needs help… but not from you. You need a fresh start.
Have some self-respect.
Why would you even THINK of marrying someone who verbally abused you?
He needs to heal whatever is causing him to drink like he does. End it and move on with your life. I was married to a similar man and I was not able to help him heal. We divorced after 9 years together. He was remarried after a couple months. Five years later, I am in a healthy and happy relationship. Save yourself a lot of time and grief.
If you’re using phrases like “this is my chance” and “I could finally end my relationship” I think you know you don’t want to be with this person anymore. Seize your freedom!
My dad had PTSD. So did my aunt. They came from a civil war, had many friends and family members who died (some in front of them that they were forced to watch) and my father is one of two dozen(ish) people who survived the second largest single massacre in the history of their native country. I have NEVER, EVER in my 39 years of life heard either of them speak to ANYONE like this, let alone someone they profess to love. Your fiance needs extensive therapy, not marriage. This is not PTSD. This is someone who is verbally abusive, at best.
“I was so shaken by this whole experience but in that moment I felt relief that this was finally over.”
Okay… Seems 100% right.
Dude is a mean, *dangerous* drunk.
He will move on from name-calling to beating you up. And now, plenty of people have seen what he is like. Embarrassing.
“… and now I’m thinking of ending it all.”
As you should, unless you want a life of misery – but you said you felt relief that it was over?
“His parents don’t think he can do anything wrong and justify his every action.”
Well, send them the video and tell them what he did in front of his supervisors.
“For context his father also has anger problems that I’ve witnessed before. They do not live in the same state as us but I’ve seen how he treats the mom.”
Very sad. Is that the future you want for yourself?
“Part of me feels like this is my chance to break free..”
Well, yes, OP… and you already said you felt *relief* that it was over. You know it yourself: you are afraid of him.
Please don’t go second-guessing yourself.
Not sure if you need validation from internet strangers, but if so:
Yes, leave the sc*mb*g.
“How do I decide what to do?”
After what you wrote, surely you know the answer?
You *know* what to do.
Find a way to leave the relationship safely.
Ask for help. Get your valuables to a safe place and take care.
“Can therapy help him?”
Do *not* waste your time hanging around, trying to “fix” him. He has to sort himself out.
He is a big boy. A dangerous one, though, so *be careful*.
I am living proof that this does not get any better. 10 years later, one mental hold and one restraining order later, I’m divorced from my abusive ex. And the majority was verbal and mental. As for the therapy question, in the book Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft, it is said in no uncertain terms that it is extremely unlikely for therapy to help a person to stop abusing their partner. The author recommends leaving and letting them work on themselves without you. And this is a man who runs abusive men’s rehabilitation therapy. Don’t be me. Get out before you lose a decade of your life and develop CPTSD. I wish you strength.
That immediate sense of relief told you all you need to know. You should probably get some therapy for yourself; who gives a fuck if it will help *him?*
Thanks for sharing, and I know it was tough for you to talk about this.
It seems like you feel you need permission to end a relationship that clearly isn’t good for you.
I’m not sure why you think you need our approval.
It’s important to figure out why you feel you can’t just say this person isn’t right for you.
I’m really worried that if you stay, things might get worse, and it could even affect your kids down the line.
This relationship doesn’t sound healthy, and maybe you need to look at your relationship with yourself too.
I think you should break up with him and consider talking to a therapist. It could help you understand why you feel you need permission to leave a bad relationship.
Why don’t you care about your own needs as much as what others want?
You need to think about these questions and understand why you stay in such relationships before starting another one.
Good luck, and thanks again for opening up.
Update:
I just want to clarify some things. Yes I left that night I did not wait for him to get home. I blocked him for that day but he then contacted me through social media and started my saying he was done with alcohol for good and had already scheduled an appointment with a therapist. He sent me tons of messages saying he’s willing to do anything. I finally answered him and told him I was done and have no interest in getting married or getting back together.
In regard to calling me fat, it’s actually funny bc my fiancé has only ever dated women who are slightly curvy like myself. Not obese but curvy. I recently lost 20lbs for the wedding and just started feeling good again.
I have cancelled my photographer and hair/makeup since I paid for those. His parents put the deposit down on the venue so I feel they can call to cancel that themselves
He does not drink to this degree often but when he does it always ends in him getting in a screaming match with someone