My heart is telling me to leave him but I keep holding on to see if things will get better.
I [24 F] moved to a new city last July and was feeling a bit lonely since I didn’t have many friends (particularly ones from my home country). So I organized a groupchat with a friend of mine to add as many people we knew from our city who were from our country to the chat. I went as far as reaching out to acquaintances via IG DMs. I messaged this one guy [24M] (who knew a guy I was talking to about two years ago) and invited him to join the chat. I thought it was going to be a one and done thing but we just kept messaging eachother. I wasn’t really interested in him since he came to the US at the end of 2022 and was still figuring his life out (he’s an athlete trying to make it into the league) but I just said why not see where things go. And come to find out, our families knew eachother very well which made me feel a bit comfortable. This lasted for weeks and soon it became flirtatious. Things were getting a little serious and we began sharing our relationship expectations with each other. Eventually we exchanged numbers because I hinted he should get me lunch & I dropped my number in his DM to “Zelle me if he was serious”. His friend ended up selling me since he didn’t have a debit card because he didn’t have proper documents. Then after talking some more he hinted to me that he’d like to take me out. I was a bit annoyed since he didn’t just outright ask me and was making statements that he didn’t know our area really well to plan a proper date. But we were literally in the same boat… we both just moved to the city lol! Anywho I played dumb and eventually he planned a date to a mini golf place with a restaurant in it. We had a great time and he splurged about $300 on us for dinner which was interesting since he told me he was a bouncer & didn’t think he made that much $$. We kept in contact and that same week he asked me to come see him at his aunts house (where he lived) since he’d be leaving for a week-long trip. I was a bit hesitant but he let me know that his family was not in town except for his sister and relative who lived in the house. I requested that he get me an Uber since he doesn’t have his license/a car and he said if I got it he’d pay me back (major red flag I know lol). I ended up coming at night and we had wine & dessert in his bedroom. One thing led to another and I lost my virginity to him. One thing that shocked me was right after we were laying in bed & he looked into my eyes saying he wanted to make me his girl and asked how I wanted him to officially make me his GF. I told him a romantic date with flowers would be perfect. Then the next morning we parted ways. I eventually reminded him about reimbursing me for the Uber and he said he knew but never mentioned it again (till this day I haven’t gotten it back).
Anyways… I ended up becoming president of an organization for young adults from our country for our area and I decided to host a thanksgiving dinner. He was absolutely so supportive in every aspect of planning, encouraging people to come, setting up, calming my nerves, etc which made me fall a bit in love with him I won’t lie. And my aunt ended up passing the morning of the dinner which demoralized me a whole lot but he was still very supportive. But at the dinner, I was a bit annoyed that he tried forcing me to twerk on him when I wasn’t that familiar with him yet lol. But besides that, he was being really cute by pulling me aside to sneak kisses and cuddling me infront of his friends when he got the chance. Once the night was over, he helped me clean and I told him he could spend the night in my apartment. Once we got back, I was a bit weirded out that he immediately wanted to jump in the shower with me but I let him anyway. Soon he tried bending me over to get intimate in the shower and I was refusing cause I was 1) tired and 2) I felt uncomfortable the way he was basically forcing me, although I know he probably was a bit carried away from how flirtatious we were from the night, he still could’ve been gentle. I got over it and we eventually made it to bed & enjoyed ourselves. When I woke up the next morning I was in my feelings a bit because why were we doing coupley things but weren’t official yet? I also felt that we still needed to know eachother a bit more. So I brought it up to him that morning and said we can’t be like this if there aren’t clear intentions of us being together. And he said okay, reassured me that he wanted me, & just left it at that. I ended up having to drive him home (long story but I needed to rent a car, which he paid for, in order to do shopping for the dinner & pick him up so he could help me set up) and he was very sad about what I had said to him that morning.
A few weeks later, he had a game next to my place and unfortunately I couldn’t go because Ashe of work. However, I was watching the game and close to the end he takes a terrible fall and hurts his ankle. Since he couldn’t move much, I told him he could stay at my place for the night and we’d figure out what to do (since he didn’t have document for health insurance) and as I was in the healthcare field, I researched urgent care centers that would take him in. I made him food, iced his ankle, and interestingly that night we had sex lol. The following morning, we were running across town trying to make appoints for him and I unfortunately had to leave him otherwise I would’ve been late to work. But eventually one of the centers took him in and got him in a proper cast.
Flash forward a month, i end up planning a Christmas party for this same group of friends, which happened to be the same weekend I was traveling home for my aunts funeral. He was very attentive about making sure I got to and from the airport safely & if I made my flight, etc. but when I was at the funeral, he did something really interesting… he thought it’d be funny/cute to sneak away from the business of the Christmas part and send me a provocative pic of him. At first I thought it was a little cute but I immediately considered that as a sign of low emotional intelligence. Why would you send me something like that when I’m in mourning? Of course, he was checking to see how I was doing but I thought the pic was a bit tasteless (unless I’m being too harsh). I didn’t say anything about it but just laughed it off with him. But I was extremely hurt by his actions when I finally returned from my aunts funeral. While we were on the phone one night, a video surfaced of him where a girl, who was known to be a h** in our friend group, was twerking on him and he was laughing and smiling about it. Mind you he still had a cast on his ankle and he told me he literally was sitting around the whole night doing nothing. And another guy who had a girlfriend did not even think to dance with another girl but his girlfriend was there sooo. Anywho I immediately interrupted our phone call and confronted him about the video & he got quiet. Then immediately he said he thought I wouldn’t be upset which is why he didn’t mention the video to me. I simply hung up the phone and messaged him saying we’re done. He tried calling me 10+ times and messaged me repeatedly. And you know what this man had the nerve to do? He sent me a CHATGPT apology over text.
At that point I was so appallled by the lack of effort I ignored him. But he enlisted his friend and cousin to help him win me back. After talking with them and calming down a bit, I did reason with the fact that we weren’t officially exclusive & we had the right to do whatever but still shouldn’t he understand that if he was talking to someone for months, he shouldn’t have girls dancing on him? Eventually I decided to forgive him as my birthday was coming up and he said he has something nice planned for me. Fast forward a few days later to my birthday, he did absolutely nothing except wish me happy birthday on social media. And that night, his cousin accidentally posted that he was out looking for my birthday gift the day of my birthday… and that my birthday gift was going to arrive in the next week and a half. He eventually called me that night asking what I had for dinner and when I let him know someone else bought me dinner he was like oh I was supposed to get it for you… then why didn’t you make sure that happened?! And to make matters worse, the following day the girl who twerked on him was flaunting in our groupchat that my guy and her cousin got her flowers because she supposedly got into an accident after the party. I tried messaging him all day and he didn’t respond back to me until the evening once I got home to try and explain himself. And funny enough, right when I got home there were chocolates waiting for me so I thought hmm this was his way of trying to make me feel better after messing up. All of these incidents just showed me how much common sense and emotional intelligence he lacked. At this point, I was just trying to find an out because I was so disappointed and embarrassed by him. His birthday gift for me finally came in the mail and I was grateful but so disappointed that he didn’t get the exact perfume I wanted (and I was getting him exactly what he asked for for his birthday). Another disappointment.
But unfortunately a few days later, our friends opted to go out for new years and he ended up pulling me aside towards the end of the night, asking me to be his girlfriend with a gold necklace. I don’t know why but I foolishly said yes. The next day, we spent the whole day doing couplet things such as cooking together, having a bth together, etc. which was nice. The following day, we were on a call for about four hours or so after we got back from work. Towards the end of the call, he has the audacity to tell me that he was speaking to his ex via WhatsApp (who was supposedly blocked everywhere before we started talking and I confirmed with my own eyes but he said he didn’t block her on WhatsApp since they didn’t talk on there) the whole time and that he accepted a gift from her (his birthday was the following day). I was so appalled and the fact we were on a call for hours and not once did he tell me that he was talking to someone else. He made the excuse that she was just returning the favor since he got her a gift for her birthday. But my thing is that shouldn’t matter, once you’re done with someone you shouldn’t be accepting any gifts from them. I immediately told him to have her return the gift especially since it was an item I wanted to get him for his birthday and present it to him at his surprise birthday dinner I was planning. Leading up to the dinner, I was coordinating it with his girl cousin to make sure he would show up since she’d be bringing him to the restaurant since he still didn’t have a car and his work schedule as a bouncer was unpredictable. A night before the dinner, he calls and lets me know that he might not be able to make it which was really weird because why would you cancel on a “date night” with your girlfriend which was planned three weeks in advance and you made sure not to work that night? I even called all of his friends and family to be there and it wouldve been so embarrassing if he didn’t show up. I even consulted with his cousin and she was telling me that I should probably cancel the dinner to and I was like something isn’t right… anywho he was able to make it and he was very surprised & almost cried. He made it clear that he never had a big gathering for his birthday and I wanted to make sure he did to make this one special. That night, he came back to my place and during the night I saw he left his phone on and I decided to go through it. I checked his Snapchat… nothing. Checked his IG DMs and iMessages and saw he was being a bit friendly with girls. On IG he was letting girls know he liked their content and wishing girls good morning and asking when he’ll be seeing them (even from girls who were our mutuals). But unfortunately and oddly enough, he had his WhatsApp locked so who knows what he had on there. At this point , I just couldn’t trust him anymore and the series of disappointments made me not even interested in him anymore.
Next up… Valentine’s Day was about 1-2 weeks away and he hadn’t planned anything. I hinted of wanting a luxury wallet for valentines early on but it ended up turning into a huge argument. Anyways, I decided to fast and pray a week before Valentine’s Day and came to the conclusion that we should end things. I messaged him and said I wanted us to break up. And he was “fine” with it until he came back a few hours later apologizing profusely for his actions and stating how much he loved me. I told him I was completely done and left him alone. Valentine’s Day came around and I was truly not expecting anything from him and I fell asleep early that night. However I woke up in the middle of the night and randomly checked my phone to see a ton of missed calls and text messages from him. He got me roses, chocolates, and a plush bear sent to my apartment at 9:30pm at night… when I was asleep. And mind you, this guy never went out of his way to gift me or do anything nice unless I asked so this was a complete shock. The following morning I decided to say thank you but he took that as an opportunity to continue apologizing and see if we could make things work. Unfortunately I gave in, we talked things out, and we were trying to work on our relationship. But this time, I just kept highlighting all the things that were going wrong. Throughout our relationship, he would never call to check on me in the evening once our days ended— I was always the one calling him. He’d only call if I didn’t call him. He would make excuses saying that since he’s an athlete and works a full time jobs 7 days a week, he’s not really interested in talking on the phone at night (which is the only time we have to call if he wanted, and that’s when I called him). Granted it was understandable but how were we going to bond/grow closer over texting? And mind you, he’d constantly be on social media posting away about sports rather than talk to me.
Fast forward to a few weeks, I traveled out of the country for a relatives birthday. He gives me money for preparations, etc which was sweet and at this point, he was finally getting a car so I was hoping things between us would get better as we only saw each other once a month. Boy was I wrong. I asked him to pick me up the day I get back to the states and he tells me he couldn’t because he has practice. Mind you, he wouldve been back in time before practice started. But I shrugged it off since I lived just 15 minutes from the airport, I just thought it’d be nice for him to pick me up and be excited about his car. However that night, after catching rest from jetlag, something was telling me to look at his location. I checked it out and I saw that he was at someone’s house around 9pm (this was on a Friday night). I decided to message him and he told me he was at an aunts friends house to pick up something. Which isn’t uncommon in our culture to do but I didn’t really believe him. I keep texting him to get some more information and he abruptly tells me that his phone is about to die and he doesn’t have a charger. And from that point on I don’t hear from him again. And my doubt was proven right when I saw his location move from the house to the movie theater. And he spends a good 2 hours at the movies before going back to the same house, then back to his place. And when he was at the movies, I called him and his phone was still going through. And I called him when he made it home, and he answered but immediately asked if I could call him back for some odd reason. He called me back and I asked him now his night was and he not once mentioned that he was at the movies. He asked me to once more pause the call as he was receiving another call. He calls back and I immediately call him out about him being at the movies. He gives me all different kinds of stories. At this point I was so fed up I told him I was completely over him and that I couldn’t trust him anymore. I blocked him and started collecting all of the items he got me to trash them. The next day he had the audacity to still wish me good morning and I guess he found out I blocked him & he messaged my iPad stating it’s fine if I keep him blocked as he’s tired of being on and off. But it was all his fault lol!
At this point, we don’t talk for 3 weeks and I end up hanging out with our mutuals who tell me that he actually was talking to me and two other girls when we first met in October and that he made the girls always drive to him and do other things that out the girls in their masculine. I even found out there was a girl he was relentlessly trying to go after, even though he knew she wasn’t interested and had a boyfriend. I was so grossed out. And I don’t know why I did this but I ended up texting him that he was a complete scum. Then two weeks later, I end up apologizing to him, letting him know I miss him (my attachment was too strong) and inviting him over to talk. I gave him one last opportunity to let me know why he was at the movies and he still gave me some wonky story. So I stop talking to him. Then he comes and lets me know he misses me and wants us to work things out and we start talking again. I let him know that things absolutely needed to change if we going to make things work and he agrees. But things still didn’t change and I let him know I was leaving the city so I stop talking to him as I didn’t see us lasting if we were to do long distance and he didn’t seem interested in LDR either. But he lets me know one day that although we aren’t together, he didn’t want either of us seeing other people.
Then very recently, he reached out once more stating he can’t picture his life without me and asks to talk. He lets me know that he in fact wants to do long distance and literally plans out how we can make things work. He even said he was determined to make our last few months with eachother better by putting in effort to be a better man. He’s attempted to do better but he really hasn’t wowed me & he still has poor communication & doesn’t follow through with plans he makes for us to hang out. I just once and for all want to leave him for good. But I’m just hanging on because he might become a professional athlete soon (vain I know) and things might get better once his income increases. But my head has just been riddled by all his mistakes and I’m getting impatient. I’d rather him just be a decent guy now. What should I do? Wait it out 1-2 years and see if things get better? Or leave him and find a better guy who gives me the treatment I deserve without having to wait?
TLDR: guy I met and started a relationship with has just been messing up left and right & I just want to leave him but he keeps reeling me back in saying that he’ll make things right when things get better for him (he’s becoming a professional athlete in the next year or so). but I’m resenting him and wish to find someone else who will give me the treatment I deserve.