I met my husband through a long-distance relationship that lasted 10 years. After a year of being engaged, we got married and moved to Germany. We come from different countries, but I thought our connection was strong. However, after our marriage, I found out he had a lot of secrets.
Before we got married, he was cheating on me with other girls, and he even cheated on me after we got engaged. He used to drink, smoke, and use drugs, but now he’s only addicted to smoking. I confronted him, and he apologized, promising to change. I also saw him deleting messages from female friends and only talking to them when I wasn’t around. As far as I know, he isn’t cheating or drinking anymore, but he still struggles with quitting smoking. I try to help him, but it’s hard, and sometimes I get frustrated.
Recently, I found out he’s been watching porn even when I’m at home. He says he’s stressed and needs an escape, but this makes me feel uncomfortable. He makes me feel like I’m controlling him, but I have boundaries, and this behavior makes me insecure and anxious.
We do have good times together. we laugh, tease each other, watch movies, go for walks, and cook each other’s favorite meals. But he’s often glued to his phone, and it feels like he’s missing his old life. I used to work, but now I’m looking for a job to keep busy and give him more space, even though it hurts to think he needs that distance from me.
I’m an ENFJ and he’s an INTP, so we think and act differently. He often wants more space, while I need more connection. Despite everything, I love him and I want our marriage to work. He loves me too, but I don’t want to spend years just going through the motions. I want us to feel happy and at peace with each other. I’ve talked to him about how I feel, but if I bring it up too much, he gets irritated and feels pressured, which makes me even more sad. I’m at a loss and need advice on what to do. How do I make our marriage healthy without driving him away?
1 comment
I feel like there are alot of red flags here… you 2 are very very different. H e sounds like a complete addict… whether or not he has given things up… drinking smoking drugs and I can only assume when you bring up porn it isn’t for his personal time. Like he actually just watches porn. As if I were to watch a movie. That’s addictive behavior… no one just watches porn to “escape” unless they are an addict… if he is a porn addict it would be safe to assume he is a sex addict. If he is a sex addict it would be safe to assume he is likely cheating… and you have made it clear that it has happened in the past. Now if he just has a high sex drive and say relieves himself, don’t know, like 5 times a week or something then there isn’t anything wrong with that amount porn… and if that amount bothers you then I feel that one is in you. However if he is watching it all the time then that’s a very uncomfortable and addictive problem. IMO of course. It all sounds unhealthy if I understand you correctly. Btw deleting messages from other women…. Massive tell tell sign and red flag. My advice would be to explain to him it doesn’t make you feel comfortable, and to be honest… which is all you can do. If he lied about the person he was to get you to him and then isn’t changing then it seems like a terrible way to live . If he loves you he will change things like that. I mean you aren’t asking him for something unreasonable.. however if he is an addict then that won’t be easy and he likely won’t change with out real prof help.