Posting on a throwaway account. Well, I (32F) never thought I’d have to consider a life without my husband (34M), who is also my absolute best friend. But it appears that is an increasingly real possibility.
Let me give some background: my husband, James (fake names, yada yada), and I met in 2009, at a concert. He pursued me, and I was in high school at the time (he had recently graduated), and it was fun and low stakes situationship. He was lovely, but I figured it was doomed to be short-lived, as I was leaving for college soon, so it wouldn’t last. Well, I moved up to college and he moved up to a nearby city to continue the relationship. We did over a year of long distance, before he proposed to me (at the same musical artist we met at two years prior).
I said yes, and he worked to move to the same city, and had a four year long engagement. I finished my degree, he completed some schooling. We were thick as thieves, and helped each other through various tumult, such as parents divorce and being young and impoverished; neither of us have a very solid family of origin, which is one of the reasons I felt our relationship was so solid. We made a home in each other, and grew together. We really had no financial support or help, so I was and am incredibly proud of our younger selves for what we had managed to do for ourselves in spite of having virtually no safety net.
We got our first adult jobs and bought our first house. Due to some circumstances, he moved to a different city for better work opportunities. We basically had our relationships squished into a 3 day weekend, but we made good use of the time, and genuinely enjoyed each other. We did about 2.5 years of long distance like this, but still managed to see the world and still felt closer than ever, though we would often pine for each other.
When the pandemic hit in 2020, we decided enough was enough and took the plunge to live together again, and bought a house (we were extremely lucky with our timing), and I got a job in his city. We built an incredible life, and everyday I found myself so grateful to be married to my best friend and that we had such a solid foundation in our relationship — at this point, we had outlasted many of our friends marriages, and would joke that we lucked out finding each other when we did, etc etc, just all around grateful for each other, and did our best to remind each other of that.
So, if the relationship is all so good, how is that I am asking internet strangers in a most-likely futile effort in trying to salvage a marriage where one person is set on divorce? At least as far as I knew, until he went to stay with friends after a frustratingly brief conversation that completely blind sided me asking for a divorce.
So, back to my narrative: over the past 4 years, we excelled in our careers, had some older pets pass away, continued to be each others’ rock during times of crisis (including, but not limited to: family Members going to prison, helping one of our moms leave an abusive crazy ex husband, deaths of family members both expected and unexpected, saw each other respond to winter blues, money stressors, haphazard house projects, and there’s more but I’m not in the head space to think, nor be particularly articulate at the moment).
Also during that time, we experienced a bit of a drought in our sex life; he was taking meds that increased his sex drive (side effects) and I was taking a med that decreased my sex drive (again, side effects). I’ll admit, I definitely didn’t initiate sex as often as I could/should have. He told me that it hurt his feelings to always be the one to try to initiate sex, and I’ll be honest, due to some ingrained religious trauma, I had some things to work through. Idk if this is where the issues started, but I’m sure it didn’t help things. It was far from a dead bedroom, however, I find it important to speak to some of the challenges we had that were not yet resolved to the satisfaction of all parties. Honestly, I’d change my medication, I’d speak to a doctor about it, but we never really spent a dedicated time talking about it, and eventually, he dropped the subject (another hindsight red flag, goddammit).
Now, to the last 5 weeks: we went on a trip, and while on the trip, found out that James’ aunt had passed. Really terrible situation, on top of the fact that we had taken this trip with friends and carpooled the 20-something hour car ride together, and felt very much trapped as to what to do. James decided to make the best of the trip, and ultimately decided to “put off” the grieving until later. I tried everything to comfort and be there for him, and James essentially told me to stop asking about it, and, knowing that everyone grieves differently, I gave him space, and remained sensitive to how he appeared/acted, but decided to allow him to take the first step when he wanted support with his grief.
Since that trip, and only with the benefit of hindsight, James texted me less and less to check in. Less cuddly/ physical affection, not really any quality time together. At first, I chalked it up to work being crazy for him (and for myself, it wasn’t super uncommon for us to each have crazy hectic weeks and be a little less in tune with each other from time to time). However, as time went on, I started asking James outright, “hey, are we good? Do things feel off between us?’ and he replied with something about work being crazy, all that. And I had no reason not to believe him, he’s been an honest, gentle man whom I trusted completely.
But, things still felt off. Daily kisses good bye weren’t happening, and his texts felt more business like (who fed the dogs, which bills have been paid, etc), and again, I asked him “I feel disconnected from you, for probably the first time in our relationship. Are you ok? Are we ok?” To which he doubled down on work being busy, which I accepted once more, though feeling increasingly like I needed to go out of my way to make him feel special. I coordinated a big birthday celebration for him, and booked us tickets for a cool romantic nature event for the two of us.
He seemed to enjoy his party, though afterwards when everyone left, I tried to engage in our usual post-event friend group debrief, and James didn’t really engage like he used to. I chalked it up to it being late, and went to bed. On the day of the nature experience thing, I wake up ready for the little adventure I planned for him and I. However, James said he had a stomach ache, and wouldn’t be able to make it. He encouraged me to go with a friend, though I wasn’t able to get any takers on such short notice. Not to be deterred, I wished him well, gave him little snacks and refilled his water and all the kind things he would do for me if I was feeling under the weather, and I went on my own, to take pictures and tell James all about it so we could go a different time when he was feeling up to it.
That was last Sunday. Now, it’s Wednesday. About 6 hours ago now, James dropped the news on me that he hasn’t been unhappy for a while now, and he thinks our relationship has run it’s course. I asked if he meant divorce, to which he said he did. At this point, he’s got tears in his eyes, and I’m hyperventilating and still in disbelief. I asked him why, and he said he had fallen out of love with me, at some point at the beginning of the year, around January.
I asked him plif there was someone else, and he said “I would never do that to you”, And he also said that being on our trip (which he had hoped would be a reset for him, and snap him out of it), was a wake up call for him, because, in his words: “in my time of grief, when I should have been seeking support from loved ones, I didn’t want anything to do with you” which feels so unfair. I understand that big decisions should never be made in the wake of grief, and the trip was only 5 weeks ago!! Which is truly when I noticed his change in behavior towards me.
Right now, he is at a friend’s house, and is going on a preplanned trip for a wedding that we were both planning to go to. He said he will be back Saturday, and we’ll be able to talk more then. Earlier, this evening, I asked him if he would come back to the house, to which he said he didn’t think it would be a good idea. But, in his thoughtfulness, he messaged a friend of mine and told her to come over to be with me so I wouldn’t be alone. I know he still cares, and says he still loves me, even if he says he isn’t “in love” with me.
So internet strangers, between tears and bouts of sobbing, I ask you: Can one fall back in love with someone? Any advice for me when I see him Saturday? I love him so much, and until literally today, thought we were united on all fronts.
TLDR: husband asked for a divorce after nearly 15 years together, and is seemingly firm in his decision without speaking to me about it beforehand or trying anything to avoid divorce. So, can one fall back in love with someone ? Has anyone any advice for a literal desperate woman?? TIA. Not sure what exactly I’m hoping for, but I sure am hoping.