Me and my bf have been together for 8 months, and for me it’s a huge deal. We love each other so much and have a strong connection. We communicate so well, we rarely have fights, although we can have huge disagreements sometimes. All in all it’s safe to say that we have an incredibly strong bond.
A few months back he told me he liked to wear lingerie and that he also watched sissy porn, mostly when he’s all alone because he doesn’t want me involved. At first I thought it was utterly disgusting since I’m usually very vanilla. We talked about it and I thought, maybe I’ll get used to it or change my mind, and I really tried to make it work. But lately I just can’t get it off my mind to the point I get so uncomfortable I can’t bear it.
Although I say it’s fine and I don’t want him to force anything cause I love him and all, but it just seems like I’m forcing myself to like something I’m not okay with.
The whole thing makes me uncomfortable although I’m not Involved, just the thought that we have great sex and he’s the most “manly” man i know, but in reality I know what’s happening when I’m not around.
Is it wrong of me to tell him I want him to quit? He’s said before that it’s not a huge deal for him and that he only does it once in a while when he feels for it.
DISCLAIMER: neither him nor I desire to break up. Both him and I have the same mindset when it comes to this. We both have said many times, if we have a problem we fix, if one of us disagrees with something we listen and make it work. We both see each other’s opinion just as important.
43 comments
Forgot to say that I’m not the type of woman who enjoy that my significant other watches porn as well.
You can tell him, but he won’t. He will just continue to hide it from you.
It’s ok if it gave you the ick, but you should probably talk to him about it so he knows.
I give him credit for being honest but you have the right to feel uncomfortable with it. Maybe it’s just a faze for him but he’s honest and that’s not easy to find.
It’s 100% wrong of you to tell him to quit. It’s a part of who he is. He trusted you enough to share that very personal part of himself with you. IMO you can either accept it or not. If not, you can’t make him feel guilty for something that brings him pleasure, especially if it’s not harming anyone else. You can let him know that you’re not comfortable participating, but don’t ask him to erase a part of who he is.
At some point you will have resentments. It’s going to boil inside you. You either embrace the kink and be there, or let him go. I seen this before. Not specifically but a kink. Later on it will be a problem. He’s gotta be upfront with women right away 1st conversation. Hard to bring people over to the kink side after the fact and you can’t change him.
I would find someone sexually compatible. You should not live life feeling turned off and he should not live life feeling ashamed. Plenty of fish in the sea
Look your feelings are valid and it’s ok that you’re reacting to it, I think that’s better than pushing it away and pretending it doesn’t exist.
That being said I do think it’s unreasonable to ask him to stop. We can’t help our kinks just as much as we can’t help who we love and fall for so it’s messy business for sure. It sounds to me like he doesn’t do it much anyways and that he is a manly man in real life as well so it seems possible to move past if you ask me.
If I can share an observation: I’ve noticed a pattern of mostly people with a lot of power getting into that kind of stuff. I think it’s because when you’re always the one giving out orders and managing people it makes total sense to me that you’d want to relinquish that power from time to time as it can get old fast and can even start to feel like a burden. We all tend to seek what we don’t have no?
He doesn’t want you involved so you never have to see him in that light for real.
Just focus on how he behaves with you and how he treats you. You guys have something special and it’d suck to loose that over one sides own personal hiccup. I do think it was a mistake for him to tell you though. That also just shows me how close and safe with each other you guys feel. If you made it a problem than the trust gets harmed and who knows the lasting damage.
I find women tend to be great at compartmentalization but I know not everyone is the same so if you can’t put it aside then it’s totally understandable. I just hope you guys can work things out.
I think that’s why it’s called a fetish or a taboo. Because most people aren’t into it.
The hell is sissy porn
Then you don’t like him any more.
You say you love him, and yet you cite his lack of manliness as a huge ick…
You need to think about that more.
This is tough, but let’s break it down like this:
Does his private fetish impact how he treats you?
Do you feel neglected: emotionally, spiritually or sexually?
If him quitting were to mean that he would slowly start to resent you and then find ways to punish you or treat you unkindly, is that a trade you would be okay with?
When y’all are being intimate, does he ask you to do things that make you uncomfortable or that make you think that even though he’s there physically, he’s not really present with you?
I encourage you to really take the time to sit with these questions, because if your answer to them is “no” then what justification is there for him to stop other than you finding it weird (which is totally valid and understandable btw). When we commit to the process of learning about all of who someone is, we have to be ready to be open to the good, bad, ugly, weird, indifferent, and beautiful parts of them.
I would have an open conversation with him about this. You can always ask him how important this is to him. Personally, I feel you have a valid point in feeling bad over this. Him watching porn is not something you have to feel okay about either.
If he doesn’t want to quit, and you can’t stand it, only at that point I think you should consider making a choice what you find more important and if you can tolerate this.
To the people saying to break up, I’ll say this: nobody is perfect and there are very few and maybe no perfect matches. Sometimes a partner can have a couple of things that you won’t like. This does not mean a relationship is immediately bad. It is called reasonable compromise. Within limits, this is nothing but normal.
I would have an open conversation about it with your partner.
He’s not going to quit. Even if he agrees to it now, he will still desire it and will wind up breaking eventually. You either have to find a way to embrace it or just accept that the two of you are not sexually compatible and move on. I know it sucks, but that is just the reality of it.
Yes, it’s wrong for you to tell him to quit. As long as he’s not hurting anyone else, he has the right to like what he likes. You also have the right to not like it. And you do have the right to say no to having it incorporated into sex with you or him doing it around you. What you do not have the right to do is control what he does when you’re not around. He has the right to do that in private.
If it’s too much for you to handle, then you also have the right to break things off with him because this is an major incompatibility and a deal breaker for you. You should not demand he quit or give him any kind of ultimatum over it. He has the right to break it off with you because you’re judgmental and controlling. He shouldn’t have to live with that kind of judgement from his partner.
Your other option is to accept him as he is and you two come to an agreement that he keeps that stuff private from you… and you learn to stop judging him over it.
If he said it’s not a huge deal for him, you can ask him to quit. Putting myself in his place, I’d be willing to drop any single fetish for a partner I’m in love with, no problem. I would also say it’s no big deal. It is a huge deal for some people, but you should take him at his word that it’s not for him. If it is after all, he’ll have to tell you that.
i’m not saying you’re wrong, but see if you can let him have his kink, occasionally, in private. as long as no one brings it up, you should have the space you need to understand that it’s (a hidden) part of his nature. how he is with you (the bond etc) should be all that matters. he’ll be happier together with you or someone who accepts his freedom with that (again in private).
As a man that has tried to quit sissy porn manyy times, I just wanna say that the desires never go away. Your boyfriend will always want to submit and be femininzed no matter how much he tried to hide or deny it. If you love him you could try exploring the kink together, or realize that you’re not right for each other. Those are really the only true options
You’re not compatible unfortunately. Move on.
You’re not wrong for not liking it. It’s wrong if you shame or try to change him. Just tell him its not your thing. He shouldn’t force you or try to convince you into doing it with him either. It goes both ways. It shouldn’t be a dealbreaker
No, not wrong. Rather subjective answer I must admit. The actual question behind your question to my opinion is: how should I proceed without harming this relationship I value?
I would be honest and tell my partner that I dislike something they do. Then I would ask to try to solve that. And solutions are very simple. Understanding the problem is the hardest part. You have both something in your relationship you value most. Talk to each other what that is.
Sounds like deep seated issues.
I think your solution in in your disclaimer. Both of you are in the relationship for the long haul and based on that fact you need to sit down with him and get his thoughts on why he has this fetish. Is it something that he cant live without or brings him some type of security. You also have to be brutally honest with your feelings and see if there is a compromise or solutions you both can live with. Like one person commented, it would be wrong to tell him to quit if its something that is important to him.
My bf is similar, he’s generally really masculine, but he likes wearing women’s lingerie and shoes sometimes. He hasn’t said about watching sissy porn though.
No it’s not wrong to be disgusted by his fetish. You are allowed to have your feelings. Most likely you won’t be able to change this desire he had. It’s part of who he is, and it’s really not a *normal* thing, so it’s not like it’s something he can fulfill in other ways. It’s very specific.
Perhaps you two could share a new fetish together that would bring both of you joy?
It’s absolutely wrong to expect him to “quit”. People do not have control over what their kinks and interests are. As long as it’s nothing illegal and it’s not harming anyone, there’s really nothing wrong with what he is
doing.
I am a CD. The biggest challenge is that it’s not socially acceptable. There are very few people you can share this with without harming your reputation. People pretend to be open minded but very few people are when it comes to this. Only my SO knows this about me. You wouldn’t think I am if you saw me on the street.
The fact that he shared it with, you means that he’s a high-level of trust for you. He took a great risk to even share this with you.
My suggestion is this. You don’t have to like it, and it’s OK to be repulsed by it, but it’s not OK to belittle him for his tastes. The best course of action in your situation is to be supportive and to discuss different things you can do, such as set some boundaries that are agreed to.
Some of these boundaries might be that he must act like his manly self when he’s not in femme mode. Maybe the conversation is about how much time he spends on his hobby. If you are repulsed by it, but he is extremely turned on by it, maybe you would agree to have sex once per week where he’s dressed or twice per month.
What will not work is him trying to suppress this for you. Inevitably he will fall back into it, and will try to hide it from you. If you give him the space and the room to express himself, he will be greatly appreciative, and you will likely Experience him putting even greater effort into the relationship. This is the kind of thing that can bring people together.
You can even have fun with it by shopping with him occasionally. You might have to come to an agreement that works for both of you but that’s not difficult.
It’s really healthy in a relationship to indulge your partner from time to time even if it’s not your kink. Likely you are interested in things he’s not.
NEVER make fun of him nor his kinks. NEVER tell anyone else, including your best friend, and NEVER criticize his kinks nor question his masculinity.
Maybe he wants you to peg him. You might enjoy being in control and he might like being in that submissive role. It could be fun for both. Just a thought.
“Manly” men are people, and people desire different things at different times. Manly men can want to cuddle, feel submissive, have a humiliation kink or want or do any other kind of thing that doesn’t fall under one label that can encompass most of what they are, but not all. Just like how CEO’s go to a dominatrix.
In my opinion: Yes, it’s wrong for you to tell him to stop doing something that doesn’t harm anyone. You don’t need to do anything with it, but if this piece of information makes you look differently at your boyfriend, then I think investigating why that is so is a worthwhile exploration. If it grows to disgust you or make you think less of him, it can seriously hurt your relationship.
First of: Framing it as disgusting is in fact disgusting. You “shame” him for his sexual likings. The whole question should be “he likes xyz” “I dont like it.” What to do about it or how to speak about it? Just say that you dont like him doing it around you. That he does it personally and you not liking it is something YOU have to figure out on your own or with his help as a dialogue partner. You talk about sissy stuff and him being “manly” so I assume thats your problem. “He is not all the time manly” or “Him doing so makes him less manly”. The question is “Why do you feel that he is less manly when indulging in his sexual fantasies. Thats a prime example of” toxic masculinity” not by men but women. People tend to forget that it goes both ways. Take it or leave it but thats your actual problem here. If you love him and want to make things right you have to work on yourself not on the relationship. Rest will solve itself when improving yourself and be a better self.
Sometimes fetishes are about the individual person, they can stem from something deeper within themselves they haven’t necessarily addressed/processed within themselves. *Or* they are an aspect of their sexual behaviour because it reflects a wider (in general, not just sexual) desire, for example.
At the end of the day, forget about yourself as the “partner” in his fetish, and think about him as an individual human being autonomous to you that you care about. The fetish existed before you. It’s not a problem for you to fix. Explore this with him in discussion from a stance where you’re not taking it personally. It’s an opportunity for you both to put your money where your mouths are and actually demonstrate that you’re willing to have this discussions *with the incentive of exploring and understanding each other deeper **as a couple**.* You both may unveil and uncover more about each other, you never know.
Like, for example (hypothetically speaking) a “manly man” may also desire to be soft, feminine (talking basic understanding, it’s an essence in *all of us*), and not always be in control. Being the man, manly, taking the lead and always like meerkatin’ with dominance looks like it gets exhausting. Think of the flip side of a woman desiring to be in control because it gets exhausting being put in the submissive box, ya get me? The psychology of a fetish is fluid from where it stems.
Hope this is aight help
Tell him that you didn’t like it,
Is normal people have fetish and some time they don’t click with each other (this goes for both genders)
I would suggest you to suggest him to try things that MAKES you confortable with it
To me, I think you should try role playing and being dominant with him. Let him dress up femme and smack him around, consensually of course. It’s important to be comfortable during sex but comfort overall can be a killer. I’d be open to try something new with him. Be his dominatrix. You might find a sexual awakening you didn’t know could exist. Sounds like you have a great relationship to get experimental. The fact that he’s open with you about this and not hiding it is a sign of a strong relationship.
The answer is simple. There will always be something you won’t like about someone and the question is, can you accept it/tolerate it? If the answer is no, then no amount of love will get that out of your head.
He won’t change because you want him to. And if he treats you well and everything else is fine, you would be breaking up over something you find weird. And honestly, I wouldn’t blame you but I would really think about it.
If y’all really have this great relationship & fix things & can talk about anything, then you need to be open & honest with him about how You’re feeling & how this is making you feel. If not you could start feeling like he’s doing more than just “now & then”.. Or it could lead to other problems or insecurities & just blow up completely!!! Keep it open & honest!!!!
You’re entitled to your honest feelings, but it’s not ok (nor will it be successful) to “tell him to stop”. He trusted you a LOT to share that with you, and while it’s your right to not be attracted to it or even disgusted by it, you gotta be real with him if you just can’t. Maybe a therapist can help you navigate if compassionately. Please be gentle with him if that’s the route you gotta go, but let him go because he deserves to live his best life and be loved for his whole authentic self.
As do you 🩶
He opened up to you about something VERY private and makes him vulnerable. Do you even realize HOW MANY masculine men have this fetish?? And NEVER tell their wives? I can tell you now, there’s so many studies and people out there who are very dominant/masculine, so naturally the opposite of that could be a curiosity for them or a fetish/turn on. The act of doing something out of the norm, could be arousing to some people. Same thing goes for women. There are powerful, dominant women who secretly love being very submissive. Or feminine women, who enjoy being very dominant in bed (pegging, etc).
If he’s not forcing you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with when you have sex together.. why does it matter? I’m sure there are secrets or things you told him, that he probably found disgusting or doesn’t like, but he’s choosing to ACCEPT you as a person.
It’s a shame to hear you’re having a hard time accepting him. Especially since it’s something you don’t even take part in and that he does privately by himself.
Be more open minded. And if you can’t.. then just leave him. But chances are, you might find another masculine man, but won’t tell you his true secrets/fantasies like your current partner.
Good luck!
If this is something that is completely separate of you, I don’t really feel you have a justification to ask him to stop. If he tried to involve you, or this began to take precedent over vanilla sex, then it’s different. The way I see it, you simply write it off as one of the many things a partner does that you don’t think about, or you leave on your own.
I had a partner who was uncomfortable with my fetish/hobby. I won’t specify, but it is normal and did not involve her. She created situations where even if she didn’t see it, it was still a problem for her. To me she was letting something I did separately for myself bother her. For that reason I felt uncomfortable in my own relationship. If I go rock climbing in my free time, she didn’t spare a thought because she wasn’t involved, but this thing lingers on her mind?? Let your partner express themself; as far as I can tell the compromise is already there, i.e. he gets to do this, but has to keep it separate from you. Best of luck, I don’t want this to read like you’re a villain.
I don’t agree with the majority of the comments here. One kink isn’t a dealbreaker.
I’ve been on the kink scene for over a decade and it’s very common for people who date not to have complete alignment of kinks.
It sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise and it’s a shame that one kink should ruin it.
I suggest you sit down and have a talk where you accept this kink, let him practice it in his own time, and focus on the things you have in common and work.
Think of it as a hobby you don’t like. Maybe he could have taken up flying kites or wood carving Norwegian elves – anything you wouldn’t be keen on. It’s okay for people in relationships to have individual interests that they pursue on their own. In fact the ability for couples to allow that is a hallmark of long term relationships.
Also, it sounds like you’re young. What I thought was disgusting in my early 20’s is a lot of what I find extremely arousing today. People change their tastes over time.
Good luck
You’re both acting passively aggressively and it’s killing the vibe:
In his case, he’s got his fetish and is “protecting” you from it–probably partially out of “fear” of disgusting you, more-than-probably out of embarrassment, possibly partially out of selfishness–which is only driving a further wedge between his interest and the overall sexual health of the relationship, which is otherwise great according to you.
In your case, you’re clearly *wanting* to be accepting but you’re basically let it eat you up inside, understandably frustrated because of the otherwise great sexual health of the relationship. That’s why you’re here posting in this sub. So here’s my $0.02:
As usual, the key word is **communication:** you need to be more forceful with him in saying, “hey, we have great sex otherwise. I’m not fully on-board with this and it’s making me uncomfortable. Is this something that you *have* to do every once in a while and, if so, how can *I* fit into the equation?”
Two things are worth noting going into *that* conversation:
Clothing fetishes and kinks, especially crossdressing, are some of the most common among cis-het men, with over 95% having no desire to change their sexuality and/or sexual preference in a partner. That doesn’t necessarily mean that their female partners have to be 100% accepting–it’s something that’s requires **time** and **communication**.
It’s not unusual, nor necessarily wrong, for couples, even with a great sex life, to ahem, “handle one’s own business” every once in a while **as long as boundaries are understood** for toys used, arousal content (e.g. pictures, videos, stories), and frequency. In many cases, self-love can *enhance* the sexual health of a relationship when partners can incorporate each other’s fetishes and kinks into mutual play.
Face it, we all have fantasies. And many of those I would venture to say are “out of the norm”
He has just taken his to the next level. He isn’t hurting anyone and it shows how much he loves and trusts you to share it with you. Perhaps try not just putting up with it, try sharing the fantasy (at least in your own head at first). You might find it turns you on if you give it a chance. Just a thought
He’s a manly man but everyone has numerous parts that make up who they are. This is just one part of him, it doesn’t have to fully define him or your relationship.
As someone who is similar to your boyfriend, I want to tell you it is not wrong of you to be disgusted by his fetish.
However, I would encourage you to examine your feelings to determine why exactly it is disgusting to you.
If it’s ONLY because you see him as less of man, I would recommend doing some reading and research specifically on topics of gender presentation and societal gender norms to see if the feeling is coming from societal expectations of gender and relationships, or if you really just have an innate ick. Which again, nothing wrong with that if you do.
I also recommend therapy, not because there’s something wrong with you or your relationship, but having an external perspective on what you are going through now can be helpful.
That’s when I’d become the dom I am and make him beg for the sissyness 😈 like to wear the lingerie? Let me beat it outta you with this whip 😂😂