We met 11 years ago at a job that we had both coincidentally picked up for extra money. I was 33, roughly 3 years divorced with 2 kids. She was single at 28, on her own for the first time. We both worked two jobs to make ends meet, had apartments, etc.
We dated for 3 years before we moved in together. Navigated a bunch of things to make sure it was all going to work and give us time to think it through. She isn’t into the idea of giving birth to kids, but got along famously with mine. Eventually, we decided to put it all together, got engaged, bought a house, raised the kids together, etc. My youngest graduates this year, and we will finally be on our own.
The same year that we moved in together, she got a DUI and lost her license, which forced her to quit her main job, and find something close to home. This put her in a position of having to work a late 2nd shift while I work a very early 1st shift. I took up the responsibility of driving her to and from work every day.
She works as a waitress at a somewhat upscale mom and pop place a few blocks away from our house. That didn’t bother me. She was a waitress when I met her, and she’s great at it. The loss of her main income hurt, but I trusted her to work hard to put things back in order for herself.
We’ve hit some hard times recently, mostly through no fault of our own. A freak hail storm totalled our cars, took the siding and roof off of our house, and decimated our savings. We went from a decent six figure portfolio with another 5 figures in savings, to our savings being exhausted and having to borrow heavily against our retirement to replace cars, fix our house, and put the kids into college.
This isn’t all about money, although that is coming into play as everything else unwinds.
In summary,
-she never got her license back, and won’t try. She has 2 years of counselling or AA to go through before the court will hear her case, and she won’t find a meeting or schedule an appointment. I even keep a second car on hand for when her big day comes; but, she won’t take the steps necessary to make that day a possibility.
-I have to wake up at 3 AM every day for work, but she often has to work until 10-11PM, and needs me to pick her up after her shift. I haven’t slept properly in years. Plus, with a restaurant schedule, she might get cut early, which means I have to be ready to drop everything and go get her when she calls. I don’t have any kind of social life anymore. I can’t join a bowling league, or go to a concert, or a gym, because she needs me ready to go when she’s ready to come home.
-We don’t date anymore, and can’t spend any significant amount of time together. I have been begging her for years to get on to first shift, or find a different job entirely, but she won’t even look for something else. The excuse used to be that she made good enough money at her restaurant that it would be difficult to go somewhere else and replace the job that she already has.
-I recently found a guys night that I can go to on Tuesdays. It’s in the same town as our house and her job, so if I need to bail on a moments notice, I can. It’s just 2 other guys and me who have a passion for cooking. We get together at chef’s house, and make a nice dinner, listen to music, play board games, etc. As soon as I told her I was going to do this, she went down to 4 nights per week, taking every Tuesday off, and often either attending guys night, or wanting me to stay home since she took the time off.
-I have been a musician my entire life. Up until last year, I was playing in a band for shits and giggles. Local pub shows, home recordings, etc. She got into the habit of taking off the night of every event we had to come and watch us play.
With these things added together, she now works 4 days per week, 4 hours per day, can’t drive, only made $20k last year, and only pays lip service when I ask her to fix any of it. She hasn’t made any effort toward any real progress, even though we’ve had the same conversation/argument/fight on repeat for the last 3 years or so. I am bored and lonely in this house, and have told her as much. I figured by the time we were 40/45, we would have a nice routine together. Come home, make dinner, catch a movie, find a trivia night at some bar. But, I feel like she’s too comfortable to shake things up for herself at this point.
She recently told me that we have been living together for so long as a family, that it doesn’t make any sense for us to finally get married. Essentially, the logic here was that it would be a pointless and expensive exercise that wouldn’t change anything. That revelation really hurt me. I don’t want her to take my name or wear a ring around or anything, but we spent so many nights sitting up late, picking a menu, decorations, making a playlist of music, etc that will never come to fruition. I felt like she just unilaterally stripped a dream day away from me. Just to celebrate our love with our friends and family would have been a massive jewel in the crown of our lives together, and she just gave up on it.
Now, to her credit, she cleans the house and does the laundry. She’ll cook once in a while. When we have sex, it’s the good, no holds barred kind. I hope this doesn’t seem selfish, but that’s not enough anymore. At our age, we are running out of future to plan for.
I’ve even taken a different approach, and brought up that if I suddenly died, or we broke up, she would be absolutely screwed trying to set out on her own with her life in the condition it’s in now. I don’t feel like it’s unfair to ask a person to attempt some personal growth, or to have goals to work toward. I also believe that it’s unfair and unwise to make an ultimatum to another adult. If that’s what she wants to do with her life, she should do that. I just don’t know how to explain that we probably shouldn’t follow that path together.
To wrap up, she used to be motivated, and able to drive, and take care of herself, and we talked about weddings and vacations and retiring together; and while things occurred naturally over time, (I don’t feel like she played the bait and switch routine,) I don’t feel like this is the relationship or the person that I fell in love with. I feel numb toward her now. I desperately want to be in love with her again, to spend time together, and to make some of those dreams come true.
I don’t know what conversation to have with her, or even how to bring it up. Can anyone out there give me a starting point, or help me sort through some of this before I have to make a big decision? Should I just cut my losses?
Tl;Dr I love my fiancee dearly, but she seems directionless and her priorities have changed/ceased to exist over time. Stay or go?