Hello everyone,
I need some kind guidance on a situation I’m facing in my relationship with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. In the first six months or so, our sex life was great. We had sex regularly, around 3 or 4 times a week, and sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day when I was staying at his place. However, it started to decline after a trip we took last November. Days turned into weeks, and we even went a month and a half without being intimate. Sure, during Christmas, we were staying at a family house, and we only had sex once. He mentioned it made him uncomfortable being so close to other rooms, where my family members were sleeping (we were sleeping on a mattress in the living room), which I completely respected and understood. However, the decline has continued since then.
I had to take two weeks off twice between January and now (May). The first time, I had to go to Tanzania for work for 2 weeks, and the second time, I had to go back to England for 2 weeks because my mom had a heart attack. Now that I’m back where we live, it’s been probably around 3 weeks since we last had sex. Although we don’t live together yet, I stay at his place for at least 3-4 days every week.
I’ve talked to him about this before, around February, and he explained that he’s been struggling with low self-esteem because he stopped going to the gym and gained weight. I understand his feelings, and we’ve started going to the gym together and cooking together, which has been improving things. He also went through a period of extreme depression from approximately November until March because he was sharing a house with two friends, and things got really bad. He didn’t even have a bedroom; he had to sleep in the living room for a long time. It was very stressful for him to find another place and move. Additionally, work hasn’t been easy. We work together, and he’s had some major issues there, which I can’t disclose due to legal reasons, but trust me, it was very bad, and of course, I understand.
Things did get significantly better from March onwards, but our sex life still hasn’t returned to how it was. I understand that fluctuations in sexual life are normal in all relationships, but I miss him, and having sex at least once a week would make me happier personally.
We did talk again about it in February after he moved to the new house, and he did apologize to me. He reassured me he loves me and said things would settle down, and we would go back to how it was before. Everything else, apart from sex, is good and normal.
Also, the last 3 or 4 times we had sex, he didn’t cum, which frustrates me because then I think I am not doing a good job, although logically I know these things happen for a multitude of reasons, but we had to stop because he got too tired. It’s sad because I’m the one on top most of the time, and I also get tired because it takes so long for him to cum. Previously, he did take him a little while to cum, so I know it is something that is part of him biologically and it is not necessarily new, but 9/10 times, he would eventually cum. I also recognise sex is not only and not always about cuming, and that I am unusually fast at cuming myself, but given all of the conundrum we are in, it certainly does not help me feel at ease.
Needless to say, the last few times we have had sex, 8/10 I initiate (but he did initiate twice between March, April and May that I can remember).
I want to clarify that I’m not worried about anything like cheating or his feelings for me. It’s not about that. I’m not sure if he was like this in previous relationships or not, if he has a low libido, if it’s just the stress of life in general currently, or if he just needs time to recuperate from everything he’s been going through. I’m not sure, Reddit, and that’s why I need your help. I’m not sure if I should bring it up again because he got upset last time. I think he’s not used to talking openly about this, and he might feel like “less of a man” because he feels he’s supposed to be a macho man having sex all the time.
We have holidays in 3 weeks, and we’ll be away for 2 weeks alone abroad having fun together, finally. We really need a break from life. So maybe I could wait for that and see if it helps? Or should I bring it up again?