Why I want to have a baby while still in college: I am a medical student (not in the US) and my last 2 semesters allow me to be at home preparing my thesis and for the final exam. This would allow me to stay with my baby for the whole first year of their life before I have to start residency and work 80h a week.
I also worry about egg quality and chromosomal abnormalities risk which increases every year as the mother ages and I worry that I have to find a trustworthy babysitter for my 3 month old baby when my maternity leave is over as I have no family here.
What my boyfriend thinks: he wants me to have a job first and start working before getting pregnant because he’s scared of the baby being a financial burden to him and he doesn’t want to be a provider for the baby alone HOWEVER he has mentioned multiple times how he expects me to share my salary with him as I’ll earn significantly more than him so I should pay more for rent etc and even talked about retiring early as I’ll be making enough for the both of us.
A bit about our financial situation: My parents give me an allowance and we split everything 50% (rent, groceries etc). He doesn’t earn a lot for where we live (Switzerland) but lives a very comfortable life, saves at least 2k a month and goes on a lot of trips.
My parents are well off and give me an allowance every month (I usually save 300 euros every month which is not a lot but I have 3k in my savings right now).
Baby costs in Switzerland: my boyfriend’s job pays 200 euros more per month when you get a baby which would cover diapers. Medical insurance is around 100 euros per month, formula if needed and other baby essentials such as bottle and wipes wouldn’t cost more than 200 a month. Other costs: crib, trolley, changing table. I’m confident we could afford it with our savings but if not my parents would 100% step in to buy us a trolley for instance and his parents would want to help as well as this would be their first grandchild.
The reason I’m asking if I’m being selfish or unreasonable is because my plan sounds logical to me but I also recognize I grew up spoiled and this can cloud my vision. But also is there really a perfect time to have a baby? Life will never stop for us or be 100% stable, especially in the career I choose.
TL;DR I(f27) want to have a baby while still in college before working 80h a week as a resident, bf (30M) doesn’t want the financial burden of a baby but expects me to share my salary with him once I’m working and even plans on retiring early.
6 comments
So what’s the plan once the 80 hour weeks start? Short answer; The perfect time to have a baby is likely when both parties are able to dedicate the appropriate amount of time, money, and love to the child. It’s probably not a “perfect time” to have a baby when you’re still relying on allowance from your parents and one party doesn’t want to have a baby yet. It also doesn’t sound ideal to have a child when you’re about to start an extremely time intensive career requiring 80 hour weeks unless you have one hell of a plan.
Take a step back, are you sure your BF is the one for you?
Regardless of the timing, it sounds like you need another man to have this baby with. The one you have is after your money and has no desire to support you. Also 80 hr/week is incompatible with children at least under 10, so if you want to be an involved parent, you should go through this period before having children.
You sound like a hell of a catch. So why are you considering having a child with a man who you arent even convinced will change your childs diaper?
Timing is one thing, choice of father is another!
You should not be planning to have a baby if both parents are not 100% on board with it. This is a 2 yes, 1 no situation. Your partner does not exactly sound mature enough to be a parent either.
It sounds a little like you have baby fever and you’re ignoring some problems in the relationship because you want a baby so bad. What’s this going to look like when you’re working 80 hours a week, taking care of a toddler—even with the help of childcare/kindergarten it’s still a ton of work—and no childcare is open 80 hours a week so you’d need to rely on him to do the majority of the parenting at that point. He would be the one picking the toddler up from childcare, making dinner, putting the child to bed because you’d still be at work. And you don’t even trust him to change diapers? And you’d still be stuck doing your partner’s laundry because he can’t be bothered to do his own chores, and financially subsidizing his lifestyle? I can’t see how you see all this working.
1. I think you might be underestimating how stressful having a baby is. I get that you’re in medical school and might have an easier time irt certain things, but you can never guess how it’ll actually affect you.
2. Uh… does the way he speaks about money not raise some red flags for you? He’s planning on retiring early so YOU will work for the both of you??
Are you sure this is the man you wanna have kids with?
Is he planning on being a stay at home dad and raking care of your child while you work your ass off?