When I was in first grade many years ago, I had a classmate who was just like me, only a boy. I will call him Jack. I was always a strange little kid. I preferred to draw quietly by myself than play with other children or participate in class, and that was the first thing I noticed about Jack – he did the same things. He got into trouble for it in class and still did it, just like me. I remember telling my parents how there was another kid like me, an artist who had weird interests and a crazy imagination. The other kids didn't really want to play with either of us, so I tried to be his friend and at first he said he didn't want to be friends with a girl, lol. I was pretty persistent, though, because I recognized the similarities, and eventually he came around (or he finally settled for me since nobody else wanted to be friends with us!) and we became inseparable besties for about seven years, until 8th grade.
I've always struggled socially. I suspect if I had been born more recently, I would have been given an autism and/or ADHD diagnosis at some point, and looking back, it's likely Jack had the same issue, whatever I have. We shared a lot of specific interests – I remember us being obsessed, at different phases, with the space program, steam trains, the Titanic, and dinosaurs. We would make up elaborate pretend scenarios involving these things and act them out. One summer we both developed an interest in the UK (Jack, especially, liked the double decker buses), and faked British accents everywhere we went.
Jack had an abusive father, and was more severely bullied than I was by our peers, and I think my parents always believed he was kind of a negative influence on me because I'd share with them the drama he had to live with. I assume they thought I wouldn't have been bullied if it weren't for hanging out with Jack, or that his dysfunctional home life was somehow rubbing off on me by spending so much time with him. They wanted me to make other friends. Then we both hit puberty and started experimenting romantically, which they really hated, and fought tooth and nail to keep me away from him. I understand their concerns as an adult, but at the time it was heart wrenching for me.
In the summer following 8th grade, my family were in the process of moving to a different city a few hours away, when some other kids accosted Jack alone at the park/playground where we would congregate, and beat him up, landing him in the hospital. Before he had recovered enough to come home, we had moved away, and as this was before the time of social media, my parents were able to convince me he hadn't made it. I screamed and cried so hard I burst blood vessels in my eye, and I grieved him for years.
I grew up, got married, had two kids, divorced (my ex developed a problem with alcohol and became abusive), and have now been in a relationship with "Jim" (58m) for 13 years. We share a condo. Jim and I are somewhat similar and generally get along well, but the spark has definitely died down and some issues that didn't bother me back in our honeymoon phase are starting to wear on me. I don't want to make him out to be a bad guy. Jim is kind and loyal, he's not a cheater or an abuser, doesn't drink much or do drugs or anything like that. However, he is TERRIBLE with finances, and I've had to bail him out to the tune of thousands of dollars several times in our relationship. He has a gambling problem that he mostly keeps at bay but given the opportunity he would bet the house and lose it in a NY minute. I pay most of our bills even though I earn about half of what he does. He is also awful at communicating so there are numerous issues I'd like to work out with him, but the minute I try to discuss them, he clams up and refuses to engage, and goes and hides in the den to avoid me.
Although I wouldn't say Jim and I never talk, he isn't much into conversation of any kind, so I get most of my social interaction with people at work, etc. He will pay attention through about 2.5 sentences before his eyes glaze over and I can tell I've lost him. He also tends to play "devil's advocate" whenever we do try to discuss things, which makes me feel like he's never been entirely on my side. We don't have screaming matches or call one another names, but quite often I find myself feeling very alone in this relationship. That being said, I love Jim and I don't want to hurt him.
I work as a dept manager at a grocery store. Last night I was helping the front end, and I happened to look up from the customer I was ringing to the next register, where an older, gray haired man was paying for his groceries. It took me about a minute to figure out where I knew his face from. It's been almost half a century since I last saw him and we both look quite a bit different, but when he smiled, it was his smile/teeth that instantly clued me in. He saw me too, and I could tell there was recognition, but he seemed uncertain as to who I was. He smiled at me like you would at a distant acquaintance, but didn't come over, he just took his groceries and left before I could work up the nerve to say anything to him.
I was beside myself and had to shut off my light to collect my thoughts for a minute. While I was crouching down behind my register, he came back in, leaned over the end of the checkout stand and said "what are you doing working at [grocery store], aren't you an artist or something?" I ran around and hugged him, he picked me clear up off the ground lol, we both started crying, it was kind of a spectacle because all of my coworkers also rushed over to see what the fuss was about. We were able to talk for several minutes until I had to take a call, and it was like we'd never been apart! You hear people say that, but I've never experienced it myself until last night. It was amazing. We exchanged numbers before he left, I wasn't about to have him disappear on me again, but now I'm in a terrible situation.
Jim knows about my childhood best friend who had supposedly died, I've told him the story (or as much of it as he'd listen to). I haven't told him he's back from the dead and I have his phone number and have already been texting with him (just catching up, nothing inappropriate). I haven't ever told Jim how this guy more than anyone else understood my very soul, listened to all the things I had to say and found it all interesting, and had my back at every turn, and vice versa.
Jack is currently single, he was also previously married and divorced, has two adult kids around the same age as mine, he owns his own company (doing something totally in keeping with his interests, lol) and has been in the area for ages, somehow I've just never run into him until now. I definitely want to reconnect. He was the only other human being who has ever truly understood and fully accepted me and it is apparent he hasn't changed much and is still very much on my wavelength.
I don't NEED to be romantically involved with Jack. He is first and foremost my best friend. However, I have found him attractive since we were children, and I know he liked me the same way by the time we were separated. I don't know if there is a way that my relationship with Jim, and a friendship, or any kind of social connection with Jack, can coexist peacefully. I'm not losing Jack again, though. He is a one in a billion, as my kids would say, "a powerball win of a human being". From how he has reacted to finding me again, he feels similarly. How do I handle this situation?
TL;DR: A male friend with whom I was inseparable as a child, but was told had passed away, reappeared yesterday after about 45 years of me believing he was dead, and is apparently still the amazing, wonderful person he always was. I am currently in a long term and stagnant, but not abusive or terrible, relationship with a very nice, decent man who has a hard time listening when I talk to him, and I need to figure out how to address and deal with this situation without being an awful person.