I (25F) want to leave my partner (26M) over a set of knives.

41 comments

1. Seems to me like he’s doing it on purpose to irritate you.

   You can break up for whatever reason you want to.

2. I have to admit that stuff like this **really** pisses me off. I don’t buy a lot of expensive things but when I do, I take of them.

   I would literally move the knives to an alternate location and inform he that can’t use them until he learns to take care of them. Just make sure he has crappy knives as a substitute.

3. Before you do that, you should have a serious conversation about how you have told him many times and he still is doing it. It’s not only about the knives. There will be many other things, and I’m surprised you haven’t encountered them yet. Do you let other things go? Ask him why and what he is going to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Maybe put a piece of tape on the knives to indicate which is which. Tell him you are concerned about living with him because of this, and he needs a plan.

4. One of the first things my boyfriend told me when I starting being in his apartment more was to not put his knives in the dishwasher because he has something similar.

   He just can’t be assed to respect your wishes. And one of the nice things you have he can’t appreciate.

5. First, you don’t want to leave your partner over a set of knives. You want to leave your partner because he is disrespectful of your wishes, not thoughtful, and lacks consideration.

   I don’t think you are wrong to leave over a lack of respect from your partner. I think I would have a last ditch conversation – unless you’re already checked out. That you want him to provide another set of knives $600. That you’ve repeatedly had the same argument about this and apparently it isn’t important enough to him to heed, that you expect the “damaged” knives to be replaced. I mean, obviously if you want to leave do it girl, it’s your life. I just think your partner is emotionally dumb. Not to speak for him, but I truly feel to him, “it’s just a set of knives” which is a dumb stance to have. Even if he doesn’t agree with your position regarding them he needs to RESPECT your decision & feelings on the matter and that’s the major issue here.

   My proposition to have him buy you another set is to emphasis a consequence to his continual neglect. That if supporting your feelings is not motivation enough to him maybe a financial one will wake up. In either case it’s embarrassing that it would have to come to that after repeated conversations.

6. He doesn’t care. He thinks you’re being silly about the knives and that you’ll eventually let it go if he refuses to comply. And a lot of people would. It’s up to you whether you want to be one of them.

7. If you love him, this might not be a reason to end the relationship. As you said, you could accept that for whatever reason he can’t do this, and clean them yourself. I’ve been married 10 years snd life is full of these compromises. If this is a symptom of a general lack of respect, it’s a big deal. But if it’s just this, if it were me, I’d just clean the knives myself. Have another conversation about how you’re disappointed? Sure. But also look inside at why you are dying on this hill.

8. >So anyway. Would I be in the wrong if I left my partner over some knives?

   I dont think so. You’ve repeatedly told him not to do it and yet he persists. To me that shows a lack of respect towards you or him just not listening. Either of which is bad.

9. I actually hate cooking but I also have kitchen items that I do not allow in the dishwasher, I’d rather someone leave them for me to clean if they insist on the dishwasher . It’s not wrong to leave someone because they keep disrespecting a simple wish.

10. Reminds me of [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)

11. Huge turn off. Especially when you’ve asked many times it seems? He has a complete lack of respect and disregard. It isn’t that difficult to remember. careless and can’t be bothered

12. >I just feel like if he can’t respect my simple request of hand washing the knives, how much respect can he really have for me?

    yep, i totally get that 🤷🏼‍♀️ it’s important to you and he just doesnt give a shit. and that hurts.

13. It’s the classic straw that broke the camel’s back scenario. It may seem ‘small’ but look into the deeper issue here: he’s disrespecting your wishes. What if you two have a child and he refuses to listen to how you want to raise your child? Yes, this is more extreme, but these smaller signs of disrespect need to be compared to a larger life matter.

    Not to mention you are stuck here with an adult child. The response ‘oh I must not have paid attention’ is truly ridiculous. I was a step parent to a teenager who would say the same shit when he failed to do his chores correctly. Here you are with a grown man who is in a serious relationship with you who refuses to respect your wishes.

14. Look, I sew. Like at a professional level. My husband knew from day one to never, EVER, use my fabric shears for anything else. My kids know. It’s not about the knives, it’s the utter lack of respect for your passion. Leave. Next it could be pets or kids he doesn’t respect.

15. It’s pretty lame that he can’t respect your wishes, but I have a couple tips for the knives. First, the dishwasher won’t cause permanent damage. Just dull the knives. You can always give them a fresh edge, you just need real sharpening tools. Second, leaving them dirty will dull them almost as much as the dishwasher. If they have moisture or residue on the edge it produces micro amounts of rust which quickly dulls the blade. Best bet is always clean and completely dry immediately after use. This doesn’t solve the problem of him not listening, which sounds very frustrating. Just some tips from one cook to another.

16. My partner is from the Swedish-speaking part of Finland, and her approach to dealing with this type of issue would be to say “Darling, if you put my knives in the dishwasher again, I will put the knives in you. Okay?”

    Bear in mind, that this (Finland) is the country where, some years ago, the police were called to a house where they found the dead body of a man who had been stabbed repeatedly. A woman arrived shortly after the police, and it turned out she was the wife of the dead man, and the house was their marital home. When questionned about what might have happened, she told the police officers that he fell on the knife. However, that did not seem to make sense given the number of stab wounds on the body. But she replied in the affirmitive, that yes, he had fallen on the knife seventeen times.

    ok, that story might not help directly with your issue, but the bottom line is that you have tried telling the boyfriend not to put your knives in the dishwasher, and that did not work. Whether it is caused by a lack of respect or an attempt at weaponised incompetence (hoping that you will take on the task of washing the dishes yourself) is, frankly, irrelevant. Since telling him not to do it does not work, you need another approach. My partner suggests threats of violence accompanied with eye contact, a smile and a bright tone of voice. I would instead suggest putting the knives somewhere in the kitchen where he will need to expend extra effort to deal with, instead of putting them with the rest of the dishes that need washing. If he still puts them in the washer, you can call BS on his “not paying attention” excuse. Then move in the direction of the Finnish approach.

17. “I just feel like if he can’t respect my simple request of hand washing the knives, how much respect can he really have for me?”

    You have answered your own question, unfortunately. I have the same agreement with my roommate, and he doesn’t use or wash my chef knives – it has never been a problem.

    It speaks to a much bigger issue in your relationship. He knows it is important to you but does it anyway – either he doesn’t care or he is doing it on purpose. It’s time for a come to Jesus talk.

18. You have to put the issue with knives in the dishwasher in a bigger context. One thing I’ve learned in marriage is that you marry an entire person, with both good and bad qualities. It’s easy for Reddit participants to read what you wrote and say your partner doesn’t respect you. It’s harder for them to admit they don’t know the full picture of you or your partner. So – how exactly would you describe your partner? Are they generally super-supportive, and generally respectful of what you need, but with one or two really annoying attributes, where this knives in the dishwasher thing is one of them? Or are these knives just one of dozens of different ways your partner shows that he doesn’t care about what matters to you, independent of topic? If the knives are a blind spot or blight on an otherwise great guy – consider taking a deep breath and say “everyone has blemishes. Me included: my partner included.” If the knives are just one of many, many examples where he ignores you – then yes, you need to talk to him.

19. Sometimes it’s the little things that can destroy a relationship.

20. You’re not leaving him over knives, you’re leaving him over the lack of respect he has for you. You asked him multiple times and he doesn’t care enough to listen and respect what you asked. He straight up told you he doesn’t pay attention. I gotta believe this happens with more than just knives too, selfish behavior usually isn’t limited to one thing

21. Ok I feel conflicted here

    1) I also have very expensive knives that I use daily. I wash them as soon as they’re used, dry them, and return them to their holder. I don’t leave them in the sink ever. Part of me feels like this will solve the problem.

    2) your partner clearly doesn’t respect you or your wishes. Like he couldn’t give a fuck if this matters to you, because to him it doesn’t matter. Part of me thinks he’s going out of his way to spite you.

    This would be the bigger concern for me: you can fix the problem with the knives, but can you get over the lack of respect?

22. Most cutting knifes don’t go into the dishwasher. Does he even know how to cook and clean? Because if he is “accidentally” forgetting, maybe he is trying for you to take over doing the dishes completely.

23. Unplug the dishwasher !

24. If it’s something you like and it was expensive, and your partner is not taking care of it properly, then you be the one to do it. Things are not gonna change over this no matter how many times you talk to him about it. You have to be the one who washes the knives, if possible. Nothing to break up over.

25. It’s never about knives.

    In other contexts, does he engage in behaviors where he shrugs off the things you say, treat you like you’re overreacting, and go about his business as if you never said a word?

    Because even if you were being a bit ridiculous, a loving partner would humor you for the sake of harmony. It takes 20 blessed seconds to hand wash a knife, y’all.

    He’s petulant and dismissive.

26. Same issue for me. She would leave my Shun knives emerged “soaking”, in the dishwasher, use them to open packages, etc.
    I didn’t leave her, I just decided to wash, dry, and put them away when I was done. And then got her another set to use for anything else. Because she does forget often.

    I’m also kinda ocd about a few things like this so it does become a lot to remember my requests for everything.
    And I know she tries her best and so do I.

    If you don’t see that from him, have the convo of “it’s not about the knives” etc.

27. You don’t want to leave over knives, you want to leave over consistent disrespect and disregard for your feelings and items. My BF has a $200 knife set that (according to him) cannot go in the dishwasher and must be washed, dried, and put back as soon as you’re done with it. You know how many times I’ve put those knives in the dishwasher or let them sit dirty in the sink? 0 times because I care about my boyfriends feelings and respect the things he’s spent his money on.

    He either needs to learn to respect you, your feelings, and your things, or he needs to go.

28. Do yourself a favour. Understand that you don’t want to leave him because he washes your knives. You want to leave him because he cannot respect your simple wishes that do not inconvenience him in any way.

29. I am a chef. I’d make him buy me a new set of knives.

    **Can you put something of his in the dishwasher? A controller maybe?**

30. My husband has fancy knives. I don’t touch his knives. I leave them in a pile for him to take care of. Because that’s what he asked and I respect him.

    Your partner sucks.

31. Malicious incompetence. Its done so he can stop doing chores he doesn’t like.

32. Same story but different items of the “My Wife Divorced Me Because I Left My Dishes in the Sink”. It’s about basic respect of what is important to the other person. Each time he does this, it erodes your feelings for him because he is disrespecting your items and your feelings.

    HE doesn’t care about the knives, but YOU do – so he should either hand wash them or leave them in the sink like you have asked him to do several times.

33. I sort of assumed people of a certain age knew not to put knives (outside of silverware knives) in the dishwasher.

    How hard is it to hand wash a nice knife anyway? It’s got to take like, one minute?

    Like so many others have said it’s about more than the knives, I don’t think you’re wrong.

34. **I call Red Herring**. This ain’t about knives.

    OP, when a relationship dies, the best thing is usually to give it a proper and dignified burial. Tempting though it may be, there is no compelling reason to convene a grand jury, and convince everyone that it was your ex, not you, that killed it.

    A parting accusation may bring validation, but it has just as much potential for making the accuser look like a fault-finding vengeful sorehead. Let your STBX partner walk away with some dignity, if for no other reason than to be certain that you will be able to do the same yourself.

    This Knives story may get you sympathy from some, and giggles from others. Why bother? “Just not a match.”

35. It’s not about the knives.

36. How does he treat his things? Is he senseless or careless with his own stuff?

37. I gotta say he’s a dick for not listening. But honestly, I would have washed my own knives. I just have a thing about taking care of my own tools, especially when I spend good money on them.

38. My husband has an expensive knife set from before I met him. He doesnt cook much but he likes having robust (expensive) tools. It took one time of him telling me how expensive they were and to hand wash them, never dishwash.

    I’ve never put it in the dishwasher. EVER. I even sharpen and oil them LMAO. I like cooking and now theyre MY KNIVES!

39. Maybe just wash your knifes immediately after using them, my wife always gets on me about leaving my boots at the door it’s not that I don’t respect her but sometimes I get forgetful

40. Wash your own fuckin knives then. You care about them more than he does.

41. I would say…this is your brain telling you to pay attention to more than the knives. It may feel like this is about the knives, but it isn’t. If you work with a therapist you will being to see all the ways your partner takes you for granted. You can do all this work to see it clearly, and you should, but it might be easier to do it once you separate from him. Definitely do it before you being again with someone else. Your brain is not wrong, but with better training, you can see the bigger picture and pick a better partner.