how to break loneliness?

Hi guys,

I have made many mistakes in my life and unfortunately and some of them cripple my life. One of them is that I never learned how to make friends, how to be a good friend to them and how to keep them. So I have not created many shared collective memories as I was basically hanging alone and had difficulty to approach other people (now adults, back then kids of my age). Being rather poor we never traveled anywhere nor enjoyed culture very much. Being weak, scared and with feelings of inferiority to others I was not even going rogue, ditching everything and everyone and trying to find my own way despite of everything.

Now I am in my mid-30s (M) and I lack what could be called social capital, Indonnot trust anyone, I have no one to call when I am in need, no one I would hang out with, enjoy hobbies with, no one that I could benefit from to pursue my career. So in general I do not have a sense of identity, belonging. I would like to change that, but do not even know where to start in the first place.

My life story so far…

I do not come from the happiest family background and my adult life seems to replicate my childhood all the time. My parents hate each other (and themselves as well I guess) and they got separated when I was still small, I was bouncing from one to other one, living for a while with this one and that one – my father probably should have some narcissistic diagnosis as he mentally tortured/worn down by constant spray of insults and undermining self-esteem of my mother and later myself which escalated in some pointless argument around Christmas 20y ago when he kicked me out of the house. My mom really tried, but she has been alone for all this, she was not able to manage the house and I was not able to help, as she was so disorganized our house turned into hoarder house within a second (not to speak about repeated flea infestations). It was rather poor existence, I wrote my school theses on a typewriter, slept with my mom in one bed as we did not have enough space and later I boxed myself some space in the living room and lived on the couch for a couple of years. I have already felt like a burden, hiding into books, films and later the internet (when we got computer and internet connection) as there was nobody that could hurt me online. I had no friends so summers and my free time was always very lonely, not being convinced about my self-worth I did not know how to make any friends as I was scared and anxious even to go outside of the house, go to groceries, or to take off my any of clothes in public. I haven’t learned to voice my opinion and pursue my interests as I was raised (and eventually internalised it) to fulfill the interests of others – everyone else was way more important than I am. I finished university I did not like from early years so my mom could receive alimony. Went to study exchange abroad during this time where I was alone and had first mental breakdown (I managed to pass everything and not to create any “problem”, but the toll it had on me was huge – after my return I was 24 and I wanted to drink myself to death – luckily I did not have enough money). Some years after that I collapsed again, this time searching for some mental help, which gave me the strength to finish my study and apply for the one I have always wanted to pursue. I struggled to find a job (if you are convinced you are walking scum of the earth, it is rather complicated), and eventually started to work in production in the theater (the pay was so bad I could not support myself at all – inwas total noob and socialy awkward so I was not able to perform good anyways). I met my future wife there, so I had to end this job – I worked temporaty, and/or not official jobs and created for myself whole a lot of a new problems as I do not have 8 years of social security payed 🙁

With my wife we gave to each other some sort of stability up until point where she started to feel I am burden (and I felt like it as well – I was able to earn barely enough money to survive every month and I was still attempting to find the self-value in the school always wished – it is probably pointless to say I never got the feeling). I was struggling mentally, eventually finding a therapist (which my wife opposed) and deciding to try antidepressants (which she opposed as well). They helped me a bit, made me enjoy myself and made me express my will, but my wife eventually told me that I am suddenly someone else and that she needs a partner in her life, which I do not seem to be. We got divorced, but before that, she met somebody else and got pregnant, so our divorce took a longer period of time. I felt devastated I felt like abandoned again – I turned once again to emotional survival mode: I moved from one place to another, worked a bit in my stupid ass jobs which moved me exactly nowhere and I was hiding from the world. With this feeling, I attempted to do properly my last year of study. But unable to be good socially, overloading myself (as usual) with all I have to manage alone instead in coooeration, I barely made it. However, not producing any film (yes it is film school) agravated my feelings of worthlesness as all the work and mental struggle came into vain.

From that point on it is all the same – I feel as shit most of the time, I am afraid to let anyone close to me, kill or question every possible relationship that might happen to me. Now there is the biggest film festival in my country – all my schoolmates (I was never really able to befriend) are there in their friend groups and some of them are pitching their new film ideas and some of them are showing their films. I am going there after many many years, but alone with feelings of envy and most importantly: shame.

I feel ashamed for everything I have just written here, for my life story and for my life decisions. This shame turns to fear and lack of initiative. My lack of will and ability to communicate it cripples my life, my career, my ability to socialize and also my relationships.

I would really like to start all over and abandon this life, which feels so inauthentic to who I would like to be. Where do I start?