I’ve explained it multiple times. I can want to d]go at it multiple times in a day on certain days and then absolutely not want to be touched or the than a kiss in others.
This is not over long periods…(obviously) it’s within a 28 day cycle approx. so we’ve never gone a month where I didn’t have those 4-5 days where I am ‘ready’ all day every day…. and then the avoidance of period sex because my cramps are so bad that penetrative sex can be so painful it nearly renders me unconscious … (we tried, I cried and nearly vomited from the pain.)
All the rest of the days…it’s just normal. Not really interest more than every couple days.
However he seems to have an issue with the fact that it varies so much. And gets insecure that I’m not as wet as I am on those ‘high frequency’ days, or that I don’t really initiate outside of those days.
I’ve explained it but he remains insecure….
Is it that weird? How do I explain this any better…I do try to be a ‘giving’ partner in there in-between time, but it seems to brother him that I and not overly interested in vaginal sex?…I just don’t know what to do, I feel guilty all the time.
40 comments
No, it is perfectly normal, and your partner really needs to understand it.
You’re not weird, your body isn’t weird, your opinion isn’t weird. What people might be afraid to tell you is that: neither is his. It’s understandable for him to get frustrated especially when he doesn’t know your body or have a minute to minute update like you do. It’s understandable that you don’t like dealing with crap over something you can’t control. Talk to each other.
Your partner shouldn’t be making you feel guilty. It sounds as though you’ve explained this to him multiple times. If he feels insecure that’s a him issue, not you.
Personally the variety in the month sounds great! I’m not really sure where the issue is lol
My girls the same. Wants it full time, wet and wild whens she ovulating. Could care less the rest of the month.
It’s more strange that your bf notices really. Like does he expect to fuck 4 times a day every day?
Your partner absolutely should understand.
If he doesn’t, fuck him….Metaphorically, of course
You should not have to feel guilty about that. He should be able to understand and accept this.
Huh…….the fact that you realize what’s going on means you’re in tune with your body and emotions sounds like you are rational about all this. And just based on my own experience with past/present partner(s), what you have going on is not unusual and I might even say more typical. You should not be made to feel guilty for this.
Nope you are not weird.
He needs to understand how all mammals have cycles (even him) and what it means.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to not want sex when you feel like shit.
Communication is big with this though. Your explanation was frankly a little wordy and I suspect the explanation you’re giving him is also quite wordy and it might be confusing. (This post took me a couple re-reads. I am an idiot though so who knows)
Tell him very directly “I cannot have sex on these days because it hurts me to do it. I really want to have sex on these days though” and if you have a calendar with those days logged on it, it may be helpful for him to have access to that.
Sounds like you’re not compatible.
He can not understand since he doesn’t have a womb and therefore doesn’t know what you experience.
The only option is that he accepts how nature works.
His insecurities about that is his issue and thats something you could talk about but still he is the one who needs to come in acceptance with how biology works.
It’s not unreasonable to express yourself and clearly communicate what is going on with your body and mind and emotions.
It’s not unreasonable for someone to decide they don’t want a relationship where their partner doesn’t even want to touch them nonsexually for some number of days every month.
If you’ve sat down and reviewed what you’ve said to make sure that you have been clear and unambiguous, it may be time to sit down and review whether you should be with this guy.
You and your partner need to work together to find an acceptable sex life for you both
It’s not that “your partner should understand and accept this”, but rather you should be ultimately seeking a partner who understands and accepts this
Finding a compatible partner is what dating is all about
My ex had similar issues, birth control helped level her hormone fluctuations.
She also had bad PMS.
Check with an obgyn.
You are perfectly normal, it sounds like you and your partner are both young.
Ask him why he feels insecure? like what about it makes him feel that way. It’s tough to be young and dealing with the clash of reality vs. expectation.
>is it unreasonable for me to expect my partner to understand?
No.
No, you aren’t being unreasonable. Any person at any time can decide they don’t want to have sex and withdraw consent. It’s not even like you’re leading him on…you’re just saying No.
It sounds like he isn’t pushing which is good, but insecurities are also hard to navigate. It’s almost impossible to reason them away as an outside party.
What you can do is say bluntly the cause. That it has nothing to do with his body or your level of attraction to him. Reassure him with other physical affections that demonstrate your attraction like scratching his back, playing with his hair, cuddling, or kissing He may or may not believe it but that’s the extent of what is reasonable for you to control in this situation.
Don’t feel the need to overexplain yourself or try to do the impossible. Ultimately it is on him to work through his insecurities; all you can do is be respectful, but not at the cost of your own boundaries.
Sounds like the two of you could use some couples counseling. And he needs to grow up.
He sounds kind of selfish.
It’s not unreasonable in the slightest. Tbh I thought that was just common knowledge. Like, I’m gay, but I thought that was just assumed for straight couples.
No it’s not unreasonable at all.
He’s using “insecurity” to pressure you into having sex you don’t want to have. Making you feel guilty about not wanting sex sometimes, or not wanting vaginal sex sometimes, or not wanting sex when you’re not in the mood, or not wanting sex when you’re in pain, or even for wanting sex when you want sex, is coercive.
If he doesn’t meant to be coercive, he needs to stop being coercive. Vaginas lubricate based on a variety of factors, from ovulation to arousal to hydration. Lube exists to help if people want that kind of help. Not having intercourse as part of sexual activities is also an option. Not having sexual activities is another viable option. All sex must be consensual. Coercion is not consent. Manipulation and guilt is not consent. A partner who makes you feel guilty about your body’s natural processes or who makes their insecurities about their sexuality into something where you’re supposed to perform in order to fix for them regardless of your feelings or preferences, is a manipulative, unsupportive, coercive partner whose behaviour may later become abuse.
If you explain things to your partner and they refuse to understand and instead keep pressuring you and making you feel bad, that’s not a healthy partnership. If you explain to your partner and they can work on their insecurity while also accepting your boundaries, cool – all relationships and people have things they can improve, and partners should be able to support one another toward positive change. The danger in your partnership is that your partner is pressuring you toward a negative change (guilt for respecting your own preferences and needs while trying to put his wants above your actual health and consent). You don’t owe your partner sex of any kind at any time, period.
The only problem I can see here is that you might be expecting him to perform to your schedule and desires with little regard for his.
You’re normal. He’s either dumb or pretending to be.
You shouldn’t feel guilty but to op and everyone else you have to understand how jarring this is especially if he’s never experienced this with any of his past partners. To have your partner love bomb you one day but then seem totally uninterested the next has got to be mind fucky. You’ve explained and even showed him honestly he’s got to put two and two together and that’s just going to take time. You could try to assure him in non sexual ways but that can be exhausting y’all just might not be meant for eachother at this point in time. Gl
I’m honestly impressed how well you know your cycle and are in tune with your body so well
I would say though if the pain is so much every cycle-get yourself checked out to rule out any underlying issues
For your own general health & well being
He seems rather insensitive & immature tbh, you’re very attuned and considerate, it may be just a misaligned relationship, talk things through with him
Others have left great suggestions, so take them on board and wish you well!
Not unreasonable. Communication. Set expectations.
Your bf sounds dumb as fuck, maybe swap for higher iq
Learn to give head and love it.
Absolutely not, talk to your partner. If they don’t understand, it’s a them problem, not a you problem.
We don’t have cycles, so we can’t understand. Best we can do is accept it.
Stop feeling guilty. You’ve basically earned him that PIV will be off the table at certain times and that you’ll be willing to wear him out other times. And that when those things happen will be relatively predictable. It’s very reasonable to know your own body and communicate with your partner about that.
He needs to grow up. These are the kinds of things that go with being an adult human being in a real relationship with another adult human being. If he can’t handle that, then he is not relationship material.
You’ve done your bit afaik, it’s up to him to understand or not.
Men just can’t turn it off so easily. Its very hard for us.
A understanding man would understand your cycle. The shop is close come back later.
To keep the relationship strong sometimes a mid “close period hand job” can make all the difference.
Kissing deeply while getting a handy is hot and works
Totally thought this was a dude talking about being on steroid cycle for a second
It sounds like you’re communicating well. Does he have a therapist? Sounds like he could use one.
You might want to have a conversation with him. Because he seems to be unable to know how you feel and why and lacks the tools to fully understand.
Consider making a bit of a schedule/calendar so he can mentally prepare.
Look at it from his perspective: You randomly want huge amounts of sex… and then want nothing. Even he knows why… if he doesnt keep track of it it will feel extremely random and he can’t emotionally prepare for it and he basically gets severe emotional whiplash every time it goes from up to down and back. It probably sucks quite a bit to be wanted a lot, then get used to that and then suddenly be not wanted to even touch.
It’s not unreasonable for you to expect them to understand.
It IS unreasonable for not trying to help the situation once he is obviously not getting it with the tools you have given him so far. It’s kinda crazy to expect things to change when you don’t change things yourself.
This is very common.
This is actually hinting that you aren’t on birth control. If this is the case this is actually completely normal and you shouldn’t feel bad at all for your biology
No it’s not unreasable at all. You shouldn’t feel guilty.. The fact that he gets insecure is an issue he should resolve himself.
If you explained it to him several times I think you should check if your explanation got through to him. Just ask him if he can rephrase what you explained to him. You can correct him is he gets it wrong.
I know a thing or two about being insecure so I understand his point of view.. He has to deal with it himself. If low self image is an issue he could benefit from professional help.
You are unreasable