**Brief context:** My mom lives with me. She suffers from Parkinson’s so I have to look after her. It limits the time I can spend being out and about doing things by myself or with others. This situation has severely impacted my dating life. Moving her to a long-term care home is not an option for cultural and financial reasons.
**Date with ‘Mr. A’**
* Met through OLD in April. Went on 2 dates.
* **What I liked:** He’s mature, well-spoken, physically attractive, genuine, well-settled personally and professionally, etc. Although we are from very different cultural backgrounds, our personalities matched, and we had a few things and interests in common. He checked all the boxes. He’s a real gentleman and he not only planned the dates but also paid for the meals. I offered to pay but he insisted. He picked me up from my residence for our 2nd date and also dropped me off in his car.
* **What I didn’t like:** Different religious beliefs – he’s an atheist, and I’m fairly religious (this is a big one for me; he doesn’t have an issue with it). While we were texting on one of the days after our 2nd date, the conversation drifted on to what our future would look like if we were to start dating exclusively. He suggested moving my mom into a long-term care home because that would give us some privacy, and enable me to go on overnight trips and do sleepovers. Given my religious sentiments, he also questioned me about my mom’s (not my own) opinion on sex before marriage.
* **The outcome:** I patiently explained how the long-term care home was not an option for me. Re: sex before marriage, I told him that that my mom would probably not approve but that I was cool about it so, there was nothing to be concerned about. He then said that he needed some time to think about this. The next day he sent me a text saying that he considered my “situation” and that it’s not something he wants for the future. We parted amicably.
* **Recent update:** Last week, he sent me a text out of the blue saying that we should meet and talk. He said that I was too good a prospect, that he was OK with my “situation”, and that he would like to go on more dates with me.
* **Dilemma:** Not sure what to do – very confused – mainly because of: (a) the other date I went on (see below), (b) our religious differences, and (c) his honest take on how I should care for my mom. I’ve also moved on from him emotionally so, I wonder if even meeting him is worth it. Seeking opinion/thoughts/advice/tips on how I should handle this.
**Date with ‘Mr. B”**
* Met through OLD in June. Went on 1 date.
* **What I liked:** Same cultural background, grew up in the same town and went to the same school (so lots in common!), we have common interests in cuisines, tv shows, and music. We really hit it off in our chats since we had similar experiences growing up. He asked me out on a proper dinner date.
* **What I didn’t like:** Online texting vibes did not extend to in-person chemistry. He didn’t take any initiative in planning the date. He asked me for potential parking locations – like, exact addresses. He’s loud, not well-read or even aware of things happening in the world, insensitive, self-absorbed, and low on both EQ and IQ (exactly opposite to my personality in every way). He literally had nothing to ask me and only went on and on about how he likes to drink, how physical intimacy is very important to him, and how certain childhood experiences with his parents have shaped who he is today (it can be summed up as bad parenting but nothing too drastic). When I talked about anything, it felt like he wasn’t really listening. He discussed personal finances in the first 30 minutes of our meeting (he makes about half of what I make, so it’s a huge difference). Even though we share the same culture, he suggested moving my mom to a long-term care home. And lastly, at the end of the date, he proceeded to call a friend and have a full-blown random conversation for 10 minutes, while I waited next to him.
* **Outcome:** Re: planning – I provided him with 3 options ranging from pocket-friendly to expensive restaurants. He chose the most expensive one. Re: parking – he was driving to my neighbourhood, so I didn’t think much of it and gave him a few options. He chose one that was a 10-min walk away from the restaurant. Eventually, he just Ubered *there* (at the parking address, not the restaurant). Said that he Ubered because he wanted to drink on the date. After dinner, when it was time to pay, he asked our server to get separate bills (it was over $60 each). I was a bit surprised, but figured, it was OK – I honestly enjoyed the food more than his company and hence, didn’t mind paying for it. As we ended the date, he walked me home, told me that he had a great time, and that he’d love to see me again.
* **Recent update:** He has been texting me multiple times a day since the date. I’ve kept our conversations casual. He hasn’t said anything about meeting up again.
* **Dilemma:** I understand that some people are just nervous on the first date and that can make things awkward. He has only been on a couple of dates before so safe to assume he doesn’t have a lot of experience. I’m wondering if I should go on one more date and see how things turn out OR should I focus on compatibility and just end it here? Also, out of curiosity, what do you think of him asking for separate bills?
Seeking advice on what I should do in both scenarios. I think I already know the answer, in which case, I’m just seeking validation. Also, if you have any dating tips/advice that would help me, given my “situation”, please do share.
Thanks in advance.
12 comments
Leave the second guy alone.
You have nothing kind to say about him and you are questioning the ethic of having to pay your own way.
You also claim that he’s low IQ and that’s the opposite of you. (I lol’d)
He sounds very honest with who he is and that alone is a strength but irrelevant here.
The first guy sounds incredibly procedural. If you think you’d like that and are feeling like anyone could do then go for him.
Although in my opinion, suggesting that you shelve your mother to a home so you two could get on with a relationship is a deal breaker in itself.
She’s your Mother. Neither of these two saw the depth of that. I’d consider that to be the only real concern of weight here.
Just continue to date other people. The second guy sounds disrespectful. Separate bill is not an issue but talking on the phone with someone when he is on a date with you seems disrespectful.
I understand how difficult it is with your mom’s situation. You are an amazing person. I would do the same for cultural reasons and also because of how much my mom matters to me. So, I can totally understand and doesn’t sound abnormal to me.
It will be an uphill battle to date but be serious about vetting. Stay away from anybody who can take advantage of you financially. I would stay away from anybody who gives you advice on what to do about your mom on the first date. It is ok if the situation doesnt work out for them but they dont have any right to give you such advice.
From what you described none of them seems like a good match for you…
On a side note, I would not choose such an expensive restaurant for a first date, but at least you enjoyed the meal 😉
Mr. B sounds sloppy and embarrassing. So that’s an easy no.
Mr. A weirds me out. On the 2nd time ever meeting you, he suggested that you should abandon your mother for him. That seems like it was him testing your boundaries. I feel like he rejected you to test if you’d come back like “never mind, I’ll do it! Screw her!” You didn’t, obviously, so now he’s back to try something else. He’s a hard no, too.
I do wonder if the first/second date is a bit too soon to be talking about stuff like this, though.
They both sound like poor fits for you, honestly. Just best to tell them both you don’t feel a connection and move on. Probably totally fine to just ignore guy A – you don’t owe either of these guys a thing!
Neither one is good for you. Guy 1 just wants physical access and your mom out the way asap, before he even knows you.
Guy 2 seems dense. I know exactly what you mean by how you described him. I’ve met that type and it’s not going to work if you’ve already reached the point of questioning if he’s low intelligence.
I find it crazy you’re discussing whether they want to put your mother in a care home with them on the first date. That’s like a 6 month discussion. They haven’t met her, they don’t know how her condition affects her, they know nothing about your life at all. Why is this even coming up???
I also take care of my mother with Parkinson’s, and I haven’t been dating pretty much the whole time since she was diagnosed in 2012. There are personal reasons for that too, not just her. But if a guy on a first date or second date told me to put her in a home, I would immediately tell them to f*** off. She’s got caregivers while I work, and the potential for them on the weekend so I can go out. She’s ok with me bringing someone home with me, I’m an adult and I pay the rent, so it’s my apartment and she lives with me. I will have to put her in a home eventually, probably in 3-4 years if I had to guess, when she becomes unable to get to the bathroom herself. But not a second sooner, not even for my soulmate.
Don’t go out with either of them again.
Dude A told you, after just two dates, what HE thinks you should do with your mother if you two were to be together long-term. Uh, hard pass.
Dude B just sound like he’s not a compatible match for you.
You already know what you should do, date other people. Neither of those men are it.
Ditch date B for sure. Your list of concerns with him is loooong and they are all valid. The first date concerns me in that on the first date he told you what he wanted you to do in your situation with your mother. Way too soon to be giving his input into that. Your caring for your mother is incredibly admirable. Many red flags in your writing of date one. My advice would be to keep dating and leave these two behind. You sound very put together. Follow your gut and stand by your conviction to care for your mother and your personal beliefs. I know its hard as I care for my grown daughter who has special needs.
Ugh this is so bloody hard to answer because you’re clearly from an incredibly different culture and background than I am. Guy 2 sounds like a douche, but I wouldn’t expect a guy to pay for me on a date personally. The other stuff is red flag central though. I don’t think you should date the guy who told you to put your mum in a care home either, cause that’s pretty mean, although having said that, I would absolutely not be willing to eventually end up living with my partner’s mother, so maybe I’m just a hypocrite…
Maybe Mr Right is still out there? Sometimes you just have to go on a lotttttt of dates to find him. Sadly. :/