My (33F) whole marriage (8 years), I’ve always put my partner’s (33M) pleasure before mine, completely ignoring mine during sex. I’ve done this my entire life actually with all of my past partners. When they’re finished, the deed is over. During foreplay it’s all focused on them. This is no fault of my partner, he wants to pleasure me (begs even), but I always turn him down and say I’m fine without it. I do masturbate sometimes (not often anymore) and I’ve never had an orgasm during sex (only masturbation) so I figured what’s the point in trying when I can just get myself off.
I realize that I’m too much of a people pleaser, even with my partner. I also have low self esteem adn self worth. I’ve always deemed myself unworthy of pleasure/my pleasure doesn’t matter.
Lately I’ve been wanting to focus more on my pleasure during sex and my partner is very happy about it and will accommodate in any way I need. I guess I just don’t know how to balance both of our pleasure. Like what if during penetration, he finishes and I haven’t or can’t? Do we just turn to other methods besides penetration to get me off? What do other women do?
TLDR: How do you balance you and your partner’s pleasure during sex?
8 comments
Don’t ignore your pleasure, allow him to go down on you, let him use toys, and frankly, make sure you orgasm every time before penetration. This can enhance your chance of actually having an orgasm during penetrating sex. You are the only person holding back. Let lose and enjoy yourself, seems like he wants to please you. So let him, and teach him on the way it only makes both of your experiences that much better.
Talk to him like it’s something new you wanta try tell him to do what ever you want .like you being a Dom. Make it a game or something and if thar don’t work I’m sorry get toys or cheat you need to be pleased as well ….
Is this a control thing? Like are u worried about losing control?
A good idea could be that you guys could have different nights where you’re taking care of his pleasure only and other nights it’s only him taking care of your pleasure.
And also, if your boyfriend wants to make you feel good, he’s certainly gonna enjoy seeing you having fun!
You need to focus your energies on Identifying and understanding the underlying root cause of your Issues at source.
Fundamentally as humans it’s a case of confronting and challenging our Internal fears because genetically we’re predisposed to the fight or flight response to any given situation where we instinctively detect ‘Fear’.
It’s about changing your mindset over time by practicing and developing new and more positive learned behaviours.
You’ve Identified yourself as a ‘people pleaser’ that’s lacking self esteem, this is a good starting point to begin your journey of self – help. If you can access mental healthcare services I recommend asking your doctor for a referral to a Psychiatrist who will assess your needs and likely assign you to a Psychotherapist.
The great thing about reading this is that your partner is very interested in pleasuring you! I would start out slow if you’re not sure what to do. Maybe start with just him using his hands on you during foreplay, then try more things from there as you figure out what you like. It can take a little to feel comfortable being the center of attention during sex, but think about it as your partner showing you how they feel about you and your body; like a way of them showing love. As far as the possibility of him finishing before you, you might want to try a toy or maybe “after play” which would be using the mouth or hands to finish you off. The important thing is doing what feels good for you and being able to feel supported by your partner to try new things. You deserve good things ! Good luck 🙂
Maybe it will help you to know that a person who advocates for their own pleasure in bed is perceived as a better sex partner. So in other words, you are giving him better sex by getting yourself off and really enjoying it, and he will be a lot more satisfied.
Women need 13 minutes of foreplay on average. Don’t rush it, be completely selfish for 13 minutes and see what happens.
It sounds hokey but I really do find that affirmations help me get over mental blocks. You can say something like, “I’m entitled to enjoy the sex I’m having” or “I’m worthy of pleasure”.
During penetration, use either your fingers, his fingers, or a toy that stimulates your clit. That will help in reaching climax during penetration. If you occasionally don’t reach it, then let your man finish by either oral or fingering or whatever means necessary to reach the big “O”. We all deserve orgasms. There is no shame in giving to your partner AND there is no shame in expecting the same in return.
If a partner has no interest in pleasing their partner and only receiving pleasure, they have zero business being sexual with other people. They can use their hands/toys to receive one-sided pleasure.
I am glad your partner is excited to please you. A great partner often gets more pleasure out of delivering pleasure than receiving. It is a HUGE ego boost to partners who can deliver successful pleasure.