*Tldr; “everything is great” in relationship except that I’m a romantic type and so monogamous that I don’t even like porn use and I think that he, on the other hand, is sexually open and generally thinks it’s fine to sexualize any woman. We’re best friends but I’m not sure if these specific differences are sustainable*
I don’t wanna write a novel but it’s admittedly going to sound a little goofy to share the exact event last night that made me think of this, but:
I was hanging with bf (we live together 2 years, together over 3) last night and he had this moment where he made a comment about a wrestler dude he knew from his video game and he was basically like “showing him off” to me, commenting on how he wished he had that bod when he was younger or something. I thought about it for a moment and said “man I just realized, I would never want to be flaunting the body of a woman who I thought was gorgeous to you, we must just be in very different places about that! What do you think?” And he said “no comment” unexpectedly harshly and nothing else.
The bit of backstory that I think is relevant, is that I’m a very monogamous hopeless romantic type and that is also how he presented himself at the beginning. Pretty close to the beginning of our relationship, I told him my feelings on porn and stuff as well and that I’m against but I didn’t impose anything on him I just wanted him to know so he never asked me to like watch it with him or anything lol. Well, so eventually our sex life DROPS to nothing, like he’s not even interested anymore. But he was using porn completely regularly still. So at that point, about a year ago, my opinion turned into my boundary that I expressed very clearly – jerking over other women or me. This post in no way is going to change my mind about porn – get with the times lol a lot of people are against it and a lot of people feel it’s similar to cheating… For exactly this reason too. None of those orgasms were for me anymore.
So! I’m not dumb, I don’t think he quit lol but he’s hidden it all very well now and honestly since he refuses to really break down and really communicate with me about it, like NO transparency no talks… I’m starting to feel we’re just not compatible. I know that many people like me exist, so it really feels like maybe too much of a compromise to me to be with someone who really feeds into their lust for other people. Also? That makes me think he feels I am a prude which is fucked up I love sex I just want it to be between us.
The problem is, this is “the only thing” wrong. We live all the same stuff, sense of humor, we really are like best friends… Except that my best friends are vulnerable and honest with me and he’s clearly not with this area of life 🙁
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If you’ve expressed this is a boundary and he isn’t respecting it, to me, that means it’s time to leave. I know you said you didn’t consider it a boundary at first, and I also want to share that I believe it’s okay to change your opinion. As you said, now it IS a boundary. That’s important because your relationship started with a certain set of understandings. Now, things have changed, so the relationship might not survive it. This doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault, but it is your responsibility to do something about it.
And you’re right: there is nothing wrong with being anti-porn. I’m actually the same way, and I consider it cheating. As you said, not everyone feels that way and more power to them. No matter what, though, it’s important to find someone who shares this same core values you do so the relationship isn’t set up for heartbreak and failure.
Good luck, OP.
I can barely follow this post. Are you against him masturbating at all? Or just to porn?
I’m not here to change your mind about anything, but if your description of the conversation you had with him is accurate (both about sharing concepts of bodies you find attractive and porn), then you have a very aggressive style of communication that doesn’t lend itself to open discussion.
In the first instance, you told him you would not have shared in the same way he did, then asked him to comment. Why not ask him for his reasons up front before forming or sharing any opinion on the matter? If he said he likes dogs and you said, “I hate dogs, what do you think?” there is nowhere for that conversation to go.
Rather, if you asked him what he liked about dogs, listened to his responses, and then considered how those qualities made you feel, you could discuss what you did or did not like about dogs and either validate his reasons or at least explain better why yours are in contrast to his.
If you just shut him down at the very start (whether you call it a boundary or not), then expect him to continue hiding his true self until you catch on or one of you has had enough of this game.
You boyfriend was sharing a vulnerability of his, about how he feels about his body, and he was probably fishing for a compliment from you about his current body.
Instead of being understanding of his feelings (“I understand what it’s like to wish my body looked differently”) or giving him the compliment (“Nah, that wrestler looks okay but honestly I find you super hot!”), you just completely shut your boyfriend down.
It’s clear that your boyfriend was trying to be vulnerable and honest with you, and you stopped him in his tracks. Why did you choose to do that?
Even though you mention that the other aspects of your relationship/life together is good, it sounds like this is a big issue for you, and it’s not ok for you. You spoke with him about your feelings and view point on porn and him responding by not having sex with you isn’t respectful of you,his partner, or the relationship. It’s ok to not like porn and it’s ok if it’s a boundary for you. If you arnt ok with this, then it’s time for the relationship to end, maybe you guys are better off being friends. Intimacy is an important part of a relationship and you arnt getting that here.
I wish you all the best. You will for sure find someone who will share the same views and who will communicate with you.
Instead of trying to enforce something that isn’t the problem(unless porn was the reason sex with you dropped to nothing) maybe try to fix the actual problem(find out why sex with him dropped to zero.)
I have a friend who was in a similar position. Her boyfriend was the kind of person to just sexualize women automatically. It’s not in a malicious way per se, but she’d always catch him checking out other women maybe subconsciously. He also has a similar porn habit as your boyfriend. Her stance was similar to yours.
This wasn’t the only cause, but it was an incompatibility that she couldn’t get over, and she ended up breaking up with him. She decided she wanted to find someone else who had a similar attitude towards sex as her. It doesn’t mean he really did anything wrong. It’s just an incompatibility.
If your boyfriend can’t give you what you want, and this isn’t something you can compromise on, then you have your answer right?