Emotionless and struggling

context im 17

TLDR; Left with alot of scars and pretty emotionless so struggling to make friends while being my authetnic self

# I’m going to be explaining my story for the past 2 years of my life

Grade 10 year and Covid hit ah what a time to be alive for young Nicholas! He had a great group of friends and was very well liked among-st his peers and was also most importantly pretty happy with the way his life was.

Well at least my life was like that until Covid hit…

All of my friends starting making plans without me and when I asked if they could hangout they would make obvious excuses like I cant hang out I’m not allowed to go outside, young me knew this was not try as they would always post each other hanging out. I was bitter, angry and upset and started to resent them. They put no effort into talking to me and constantly gave me the cold shoulder. I was alone for the first time in my life I was truly alone.

During the rest of grade 10 and half of 11 I spent it being miserable playing video games, watching porn and worst of all hating women and falling for the incel shit on the internet because I was so vulnerable and broken. During this time i posted misogynistic jokes, homophobic jokes and even argued with people online when they would post something like #transrights or something like that. The word became to spread i was a misogynistic homophobic. When we returned in person i had made so many people pissed and angry at me it was crazy. When i tell you at least 90% of the people in my grade hated me I was not kidding. However I made friends with lets call him Friend (A) I was friends with him in grade 9 and we got along really well. Friend (A) introduced me to friend (B) his best friend. Time goes by and they noticed I was heading in the wrong direction and even told me not in a rude way but they were like dude you gotta stop caring about these women saying stupid stuff it doesn’t affect you. I continued being that way for awhile being a overall dick for about a month. Then I just stopped caring I deleted Instagram and starting being nice to everyone around me. Friend (B) also signed me up at a gym and we went almost everyday after school together with Friend (A) that lasted about 2 months then stopped because i worked my part time job 4x a week and winter was starting which made me very depressed i was mistreated there and hated it they took advantage of how hard I worked and understaffed.

Months go by mostly everyone still hates me but I’m still close with Friend (A) and friend (B) the new semester starts and I have 4 classes Math, Kiniesology and business. I had no friends in any of those classes and during this time my anxiety was so bad I would randomly staying home from school. Imagine walking in a class where everyone is buddy buddy laughing and i walk in and its just full of people that dislike you and your alone. I eventually made friends in a few classes regardless of my reputation due to me having a deep understanding of what people want to hear its something I use tell this day and its always come naturally to me. What i did I looked for the most lonely looking kids and choose them thinking they would naturally be wanting friends or at least an aqutence and i was right. In my business class i met a girl we will call her (Yamato, not real name for privacy reasons) Yamato and I at the time had a very immature sense of humour which i guess I still carry with me but not as much. I eventually made an excuse to move seats next to her we joked constantly and we seemed to really enjoy each others company. Before you judge me about how I acted next keep in mind this is a boy that was deprived of any amount of love in his life. I asked her out she said yes we this was on Monday i think and we planned a date for Sunday, we started holding hands and talking about our shitty mental health and stuff like that. I felt like someone understood me and accepted me for who I was we especially related to our severe social anxiety. The last time i saw her she was smiling and holding my hand as i dropped her off to her class. I messaged her after class later that day that I’m sorry If i was putting pressure on her or anything like that and that she can talk to me if theirs something bothering her. Then it happened the thing i feared most, she found out about my past how i used to be misogynistic and homophobic. I explained the situation to her she said she was surprised but she could obviously tell i was not that way anymore. Regardless she said she needs time to think about the events that took place with us and what not. It felt like the hardest thing on the planet she said basically she needs space. This was on Thursday so Friday I didn’t show up to school. Also she said she wanted to hangout on Friday after school just us going for a walk but this was before she found out. When i tell you my heart felt physically in pain she said we will talk after the march break which was after that Friday so about a week passes and i texted her twice with fucking long ass paragraphs explaining how im sorry for rushing things and what not. Essentially I couldn’t respect the space that she clearly needed to think about things. We talk about it before the break because i told her it was really bothering me and wasn’t joking it felt so much emotional pain that I’ve never felt before when it comes to “love or romantic feelings whatever you wanna call it ” She told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship right now i was like OK that’s cool. Keep in mind during this period for about 4 moths I was very sick with a chest infection coughing constantly even struggling to breath sometimes. The pain got worse like way worse it felt as if there was a massive ass rock in my heart I felt physical pain from what happened with her. After we return from the break Yamato changed. From what was before laughing and happy to see each other went to practically facing her chair in the opposite direction of me giving me her back during class, not saying a word to me and anytime there was group work she would move seats fucking far away she would even move randomly. This went on for two weeks however I still wanted to talk to her like my normal friend because she said this “I love spending time with you but i dont think im ready for relationship and I still wanna be friends” But those 2 weeks Yamato practically ghosted me. I was talking to Friend (C) about another girl named lets call her (Coral again a random name for privacy) I was hanging out with her and we kissed and we were gonna have sex and what not. She was my first kiss however I felt 0 attraction for this person It felt like i kissed a wall i disliked her personality and did what my dumb ass manipulative ass always used to do I mentioned earlier i have a weird ablity to tell people what they want to hear to get what I want so i did exactly that. Then after that kiss i was talking to Friend (C) what i should do because I dont want to continue with her anymore and but still wanna be friends. Yamato overheard this and suddenly starting talking to me again ENTHUSIASTICALLY I cannot explain to you guys the mood change. It was crazy but she’s like tell me all about this and what not. I said this “you practically ghost me for 2 weeks and you want to talk to me now?” Yamato said she was just feeling awkward. We were friends again we talked on the phone late at night for hours im talking 3-4 hours every night discussing what happened between us. I still told her I was not over her it was cringe i acted pretty simpy ngl. She validated me too and i validated her thats basically what we did for weeks. Then out of the blue she stopped calling and texting and replying quick. I asked her why and she said something like “im not obligated to spend time with you or something like that” I was like what the actual fuck i didnt say it but i was thinking it. Your not obligated to spend time with me no shit but if my friend suddenly stops talking to me again am i wrong for wanting to know why. once again i was to nice to her and would never say anything like this to her. I kinda was like um ok then she said she felt like i was anaylizing her and “overromantzing our relationship and it made her uncomfterable” from that statement of wondering why she stopped calling and texting me. We called later and i apolgized for being “analystical of her behaviour but i told her that thats not a statment of people who are dating just a friend.” She then said her friend wrote it not her but she still apoglied for saying that. At this point we starting flirting alot over the phone but we still didnt spend that much time together in person because it seemed like she found it a little awkawrtd. I asked her why yamato used to like me and she said I had a nice smile, really nice hair and was the perfect height lmfao and nice eyes. I validated her to saying things like this. I told her i lost feelings for her tho but at this time she didnt like me or at least i didnt think she did. Few days later i told her why cause she was begging to know why and i told her that the way she acted wasnt the ways of a sane person. THAT IS SO FUCKING RUDE WHY DID I SAY THAT LOL. SHE WAS OFFENDED BUT DIDNT SHOW IT SO I ASKED HER IF SOMETHING WAS UP CAUSE SHE WAS ACTING WEIRD AGAIN AND I APOLGIZED DEEPLY. However a few days later she said she would make out with me but dont read into it. Your looking at someone who during this entire time felt literal extreme amounts of physical pain in his chest and finnaly felt he was getting over her. It felt like she sucked me back in with a vacum when she noticed i was getting away. This made me go crazy we talked still on the phone and i would often joke about what she said to me that night and i also told her i would do the same “but she’s like its so embarssing” keep in mind she hadnt have her first kiss yet. One day it happend she called me while iw as at a family gathering and i told her ill call her back during this time we both had covid so we were both home but uh i told her i would call her back whihc i did 10 minutes later. We talked this time only for 10 minutes because she said she wanted to sleep because she was feeling sick. I think i made that joke of making out to many times and she got annoyed. But after that day what seemed like a normal conversation for us she just stopped. Stopped calling texting everything all together. I CANNOT EXPLAIN THIS FEELING ITS LIKE I WAS BEING RIPPED BACK AND FORTH AND IT HURT SO BAD. I texted her a day later asking if she wants to talk once she said “not tonight” the next day she said “i just saw this now which was the following morning” she made 0 attempts to evantually call me back or text me the next weekish. This time though i learned my lesson about self respect if someone is not valuing your time or does not put an effort in the friendship just stop trying as it makes you look desperate and if someone is mis treating you, you should not remain around them. So 2 weeks go by we stopped talking then she sends me a message saying “Hey is everything alright i havent seen you at school lately” i thought im suprised you notice you never go out of your way to talk to me first lmfao. But i instead remained polite and said “Im okay, thanks for asking” she said “okok good”. I continuted to not message her at all and avoided talking to her for the next month. This was not an easy process i was madly in love with this girl you I cant really explain it but I knew her behaviour was toxic and manipultive so i stopped talking to her. She passes me in the hall said hi to me didnt say anytihng im holding the door she says “thanks” i dont say your welcome a few ocasions of that kinda stuff go by i refuse to look her direction and not look at her in the eye. About a month later she gets a boyfriend her bestfriends boyfriend bestfriend lol. I heard he was a real fucking douche bag and alot of bad things it made me sad for her taht she was with someone like this. However i decideed to stay out of it. One day at the libary i was talking to a friend and she joined the conversation and we were talking normally and i asked her if she was gonna bring someone with ehr to prom i was refering to her bf she said yea BUT VERY AWKAWRDLY it was obvious like she was kinda not wanting to tell me whether it was to spare my feelings or cause she still liked me. But i smiled at her and told her that was great i also said oh you guys gonna be matching and she was like ya were matching blue i was like awhh thats cute. So me normally being nice yk. But the reality was at this point i didn’t like her anyhmore lol. The heart pain was gone however I was still really sick lols. I started self imrpvoment around this time a bit before she told me about her prom thing i didnt really care lol. I signed up to the gym and went ntly, meditated daily, gratituide journal daily and started relgiousgly eating extermely clean in a caloric surplas with supplments like omega 3, vitiman d, vitiman c, calcium and protein powder to gain mucsle. I stopped watching porn too it is kinda crazy to think how i turned my life around so imeditaley within a weekish and continuted this for about a month an a half and am still continung this healthy lifestyle working towards my goals and being ambitious. However something happend to me during this time of recovery from her and everything that took place these past 2 years that are kinda weird. I nautrally dont smile at all I dont laugh at all but im not unhappy or anything. I started fake smiling because those around me said i looked angry and depressed so i had a bad habit of constantly fake smiling and studies show this is not good for you. So basically I dont smile anymore naturally, I didnt feel emotions its hard to explain to you im not sad im not happy people are always smiling laughing loudly and i could be having a good time but i will be there like -\_-, So i dont smile and feel little to no emotion anymore a sense of numbness. Also i forogot to mention that i was raised in a really angry house hold so this is probably why haha, We got the cops called on us a few times by neighboors for loud screaming and slamming from my parents ever since i was young. This has always forced me to live with a sense of numbness to life. When someone is screaming at you constantly so loud you feel like your ear drums are gonna pop you feel like your dumb then your crying crying when your uncle pings you against the wall screams at you so loud crying crying then i just stopped. No more emotions anymore i hid every last emotion i had until i stopped feeling them altogether practically. This is what i believe holds me back from making friends because i have not to many emotions and have always lived a more logical lifestyle since that day. I studied really deep into human phshycology why people do the things they do why and what not. So I have devolped a skill I guess you can call it really great social skills. By looking at someone and having a conversatino with them i can easily tell what they are probably thinking based of there body language with something as simple as there pupils, tone of voice and body posture. However i cant bring myself anymore to keep faking this emotion pretending im excited for something pretending im so happy for you I do it because i know its what they want to here and if I dont do this im gonna look like an emotionless robot which i’ve been getting told for awhile ever since that day of being pinned and screemed at. Is there no one to really accept me for who I am anymore? Im really nice poliete and i never judge people im accepting and never make prejudeces im intresting too! However I just dont feel the emotions like the way others do and that has left me friendless i believe. Also i just graduated highschool going to university i have no doubt i can make friends its hella easy but i want to make friends for who I actually am and not this fake smiely thing anymore its boring lols.

If you read this thinking im depressed you got the wrong idea im content with my life and enjoy it. Its just this thing that seems to be holding me back from making connections. Really random but I also was at what point question my sexuality in a way that i knew i liked women and was straight 100% I never questioned this but I also dont find any pleasure in hooking up with someone i need to truly love and care for them on a emotional level to be attracted to them if that makes sense. So i learned that lol.

Also forgot to add friend A and friend B drifted away from me into another friend group and stopped including me in group activities also. They also dont put an effort to talk to me at all since graduation so yea haha.