How can i meet my husband sexual needs?

12 comments

1. Did explain or go into detail what kind of sexual needs/attention he is asking for, that is where I would start. Get a better understanding of what it is he is requesting and then from there you two can work out what might be possible and what might not be. Maybe even do it with your therapist there too so that way you can have the support and a voice to help you if you start struggling again.

2. This would be a good issue to take to an individual counselor. They can help you take your wants and needs into account as you deal with this. Then, I’d recommend couples counseling so he can learn how to express needs without disregarding yours. Good luck.

3. Have you read *The Sexual Healing Journey?* It’s about reclaiming your sexuality for your self. Or Jennifer Finlayson-Fife’s podcasts are really good.

   My take is that sex to meet his needs will leave you feeling more broken. It tends to turn sex into a chore and make you feel dehumanized. Instead, use this as a call to develop a side of yourself that has been dormant, so that you can experience one of life’s great pleasures *with* the one you love.

4. [deleted]

5. OP, I am so sorry for your experience and struggles. It can be so devastating to heal from.

   In my opinion, sex that is done for someone else and not for your own benefit and desire is not a lasting, sustainable direction for a mutually satisfying, healthy, vibrant sexual relationship.

   I would not necessarily encourage you to try to have sex to please him or meet his needs but to discover what makes you desire sex, *for yourself,* and to try to navigate the best path forward to getting to a place where you two can have a mutually desired sexual relationship.

   If I may, have you had any therapy to help you process your sexual trauma? Some people do not find therapy to be a benefit but others do. I am also curious if your partner has been made aware of just how challenging sex is for you?

   There is a great book you may want to check out, called [The Body Keeps The Score. ](https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=55438480269&gclid=CjwKCAjwiJqWBhBdEiwAtESPaHc3eNc3mzOVDqSYQiwx3t5Ijfa4J56MxdiDRjAdg7mzYOyt0lc40RoCrAoQAvD_BwE&hvadid=274750044448&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9032879&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=576714851880978433&hvtargid=kwd-303052077267&hydadcr=15144_10362769&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score+book&qid=1657241185&sr=8-1)

6. Open marriage.

7. ask him what he likes

8. Um. Marriage counseling. Because he clearly isn’t making your comfort and safety a priority over his dick. And that’s not a marriage you want in the long run.

9. Have you talked to him about your past trauma? Or have you felt comfortable talking to him about your past trauma? That may be a good place to start, if he doesn’t know this already.

   I would say talk to him more about what his expectations are in that regard, and only do things that you are absolutely comfortable with. Be absolutely upfront with him so that way he knows that if he’s doing something that is upsetting you he can stop. Be sure to set boundaries and make clear statements. Always remember there are hard boundaries; the things that you will never agree to; and soft boundaries; things that you may not want to try right away or do right away but are comfortable speaking about or could potentially think of doing in the future.

   Remember any relationship it takes two to tango. An ebb and flow, push and pull. Communication is always key, and the more that you communicate the less frustration there is between both him and you.

   Hope that everything works out for the both of you.

10. I think you are asking the right question. You need to talk to your husband regarding what he wants and see if you can find a compromise that is in your comfort zone. You have to look at it dispassionately, outside of the bedroom with no pressure, and come up with a plan that respects you and helps the relationship. No one can really tell you what that means over the internet, you have to do the thinking, but do not forget to attend to your own needs.

    Edit: When I say you are asking the right question, I meant at the end of your post, not the title.

11. I’m sorry to hear of your trauma. You are a strong woman and have made great strides in your healing. Your husband will need more open communication with you on his expectations. He needs to express what he needs or wants and be willing to work with you, at your pace. Has he gone to a therapy session with you?

    Maybe introduce one new thing, and once you are comfortable with that, try another new thing.

    I hope you continued healing and understanding during your journey.

12. Ask him for specifics and lay out your limits. If he asks for something you know crosses a boundary for you, tell him it’s a no. Hopefully you two can find a way to compromise and maybe you can both have a more fulfilling sex life.