All of the posts I see on r/datingadvice and r/dating and such indicate that you need to be funny and have a good opening one liner, have good text game, etc (basically all of the bullshit you do in teens and 20s) to have any hope of getting a date.
Is it all the same for 30s daters? I can’t imagine most of us really want or have time for the young kids’ games because we have lives and careers and such now.
My situation is that I finally got this girl’s number from my friend after meeting her at a new year party, and now I am getting ready to send an intro text. She is expecting it because she gave my friend permission to give her number to me.
My first instinct is to just send something along the lines of “hey, [name] this is [my name] from the party. I’ve been trying to get your number for a month now, so I could see if you want to get dinner this week.”
I think it is direct and to the point and doesn’t waste anyone’s time either way, but someone else told me it was too strong. So what is the “game” for 30s dating, and do I need to actually learn it?
46 comments
Hey! I think your message is pretty good minus the “ I’ve been trying to get your number for a month now”. That might sound a little too intense.
Perhaps something like “ Hi! I’m _____ , from the new year’s party. How are you?” And get an answer. And from there eventually you will move on to an invitation.
I don’t see a need for a game but maybe just start a conversation and see how it flows 🙂 this way you will know if you are both on the same page 🙂
All the best!
Edit: autocorrect
Your instincts are correct. We’re all adults now. Just be yourself, be genuine, respectful, light hearted….but leave the clown shit for the kiddos who are still trying to figure it all out
I am in my late 30’s so I don’t really know what online dating is like for people in their 20’s. I did online date in my 20’s but that was on a computer and totally different than now.
I message very much like I am writing now. Sort of in between professional and how I would talk to a friend.
The only thing I have seen that I don’t like is in the last 4 years, people are so much more likely to randomly just stop texting instead of closing out a chat, or more often, just try a date. For me, I would rather go on a date and actually gauge out a person if I am not sure so I personally don’t like that trend, but other than that, it’s pretty much like talking to a friend or acquaintance. Definitely not playing games.
So she didn’t you give you her number? you get it from a friend? Ofc I don’t know the dynamic in this group, but if someone gave my number to a guy I didn’t know I would not be happy about it. But that’s just me.
Your message comes off weird tbh. “I’ve been trying to get your number for a month” seems way too intense and stalkerish tbh. If you got it from a mutual friend i would say who you got it from. You also need to say that something that u liked how y’all hit it off at the party on New Years. How is she supposed to remember which party and which guy you are?
Your instincts are pretty good. Most of us want to have someone be upfront about their interest and ask for a date that is a clear date. Perhaps skip the “been trying to get your number for a month” as that might come across as stalkerish or put unneeded pressure on the first date.
However-
Being funny and charming doesn’t HURT but it is not a requirement. If it is part of your normal personality it can help to ease the first date jitters and relax. Over 30 daters tend to place more emphasis on personality and if goals align to see if there is a long term potential as opposed to the younger crowd who might be placing a bigger emphasis on looks and fun for the moment. By 30 you are looking for someone you can enjoy spending time together even while just relaxing at home or running errands.
Good luck!
I started dating again two weeks ago. And I have had significantly better results being myself or semi professional. The thing is, most people in their 30s are fairly established now. I’m matching with doctors, dentist, and lawyers. And the type of banter used by 20 year olds just comes off as immature. It’s quite the turn off to match with someone who can’t be bother to fully spell out words. “How r u” “nm hbu?”
Women will always enjoy charm and charisma no matter the age. If you aren’t a funny person don’t force it but dating and opening messages shouldn’t feel transactional. Throw a little excitement into your message if nothing else.
“Hey this is Sam! I finally wore down Doug and he passed along your number. I’d love to get dinner with you this week if you’re available. “
Why can’t you be funny/have a good time, be direct and upfront, and look for a serious relationship? It’s not like the only two options are sex in the car player or robotic if life goals yield a 85% match, coffee date request sent.
Have a good time, otherwise, what’s the point of all this?
Dude why are you stressing this? Just send a nice clear dick pic /s
It really helps to be confident, funny and genuine, so if you’re not either of the first two you may have trouble with the third
I agree with the (current) top comment to avoid mentioning “trying to get your number for a month.” Their alternative introductory text is better in my opinion.
In regards to what works and “30s dating culture” – my observation is that there is no universal approach on how to tackle those first few exchanges. Everyone is different based on their experiences and preferences. For example, some people want the bs banter and forced wit, and if they don’t get it they think the other person is “boring” and move on. Some people don’t subscribe to that nonsense and just want to learn enough about the other person to see if it’s worth pursuing. I’m obviously in the latter group. Just stay true to you and if a connection doesn’t happen, don’t sweat it and keep your head up.
I think some people no matter age will always play games or overthink things.
>My first instinct is to just send something along the lines of “hey, [name] this is [my name] from the party. I’ve been trying to get your number for a month now, so I could see if you want to get dinner this week.”
I think this sounds great, just maybe stop at “so I could see if you want to get dinner” let her initiate on how soon.
I met my bf on OLD and he texted me a pic of him with a dinosaur statue when I gave him my number. Genuineness goes a long way.
I don’t think the joke thing works anymore. Personally on OLD, if someone’s profile makes me laugh, i think, “Oh that’s a funny joke,” and not “I want to date this person”
I agree with others about cutting out th thing where you tried for a month. Makes you sound thirsty and if someone said this to me, I’d be more creeped out than flattered.
I think conversation skills matter than any opener.
Who’s that someone that told you your test was too strong? Are they younger than you? Do they date to only get laid or what are their usual dating purposes?…that doesn’t matter, I think that’s simple and straightforward and if that person is also into you…they will reciprocate without hesitation.
It is simple, polite, straightforward, and none creepy and since they know you got their # via another friend then of course they know what your intentions are. I think that’s good starting point…wether or no you or her feel the connection later after few dates then you go just continue to see.
Cheers
>you need to be funny and have a good opening one liner, have good text game, etc (basically all of the bullshit you do in teens and 20s) to have any hope of getting a date.
Well, the ability to carry on a conversation – whether that’s in person or over text – is always going to be important for getting to know someone. Probably even more so if you’re introducing yourself to a stranger on an app, trying to make a connection.
There’s nothing inherently fake or childish about that, although obviously some people lay it on real thick or veer off into total cheeseball territory.
That said, this isn’t a situation where you’re reaching out to a stranger. It sounds like you two have already met, and that the interest is mutual. So all you really need to do is reach out and get the ball rolling.
>My first instinct is to just send something along the lines of “hey, [name] this is [my name] from the party. I’ve been trying to get your number for a month now, so I could see if you want to get dinner this week.”
I’d probably leave out the bit about trying to get her number for a month and say: “hey, [name] this is [my name] from the party. I really enjoyed meeting you on New Year’s, and wanted see if you were available to get dinner this week.”
“I’ve been trying to get your number for a month now” kinda seems desperate. Why can’t you just say your mutual friend passed on her number?
But you don’t ask a direct question, you need to actually ask her to dinner with a question mark. Also I’m assuming she’s a woman and not a girl.
I would do the direct thing for sure but as other people have said, lose the opening line about trying to get her number for a month.
I don’t know what dating is like in the 20s (missed out on that,) but dating in my 30s I definitely look for someone who’s direct in text, curious, open, and a little playful. Correct grammar and full sentences. I’m specifically looking at people’s interests, personality, and how they communicate to see if we’d be somewhat compatible right out of the gate. I know the kind of people I’d get along with. One-liners and flirty games turn me off.
Your message is direct, but leave out the “I’ve been trying to get your number for a month.” That comes off as creepy. Try something more like, “I still remember talking to you last month and I’d like to see you again.” Shows you were paying attention and she stood out in your mind. Comes off as a compliment and not stalkery.
I’ve been dating off and on throughout my 30s. Witty banter is great and typically is what lands me a first date, but you don’t need ridiculous pickup lines. Well written sentences, asking questions and being open to questions, and being playful but direct have worked great for me.
A big thing though is confidence. Desperation doesn’t look good on anyone, and while self-deprecating humor can be funny, it’s not the best until you know the person and even then it should be used sparingly and lighthearted.
As others have said drop the “trying to get your number for a month” part or at least make it a bit funny. Asking her directly to dinner isn’t a bad thing but be open to her wanting to get to know you better over text or phone, if nothing else but for safety’s sake. If she’s open to conversation it’ll show and at that point just be yourself.
“Game” had boiled down to “holding a conversation” for me. I don’t think about it, and if the conversation flows there’s 99% chance I’m good to go. In my own experience, overthinking does far more damage than underthinking.
I read “game” as the need for charm, and not a literal game. I think what is interpreted as charm varies for different individuals in their 20s AND for different individuals in their 30s, and there are some difference between expectations for people in there 20s and 30s as well.
When I was younger, I never found a one liner charming, but someone who was a little shy and made me feel comfortable was cute and charming. This hasn’t changed now, but I also find someone who has self-awareness and approaches dating with a certain level of comfort and experience more charming than before.
I think your text is good. I think if women expect a different kind of charm than the kind you have, these women may not be for you.
I’d recommend just calling her over the text, too easy to overthink it, or get wrapped up in if she doesnt respond quickly or at all. Have a quick casual conversation, and you’ll get instant feedback from her voice how shes reacting to your advance, which is so much better IMHO. Then you’ll know if you should yourself should react passively with an offer for coffee or a polite goodbye if she says no, or if she sounds psyched then go for something better like a dinner and match her enthusiasm.
Also makes you come off more confident than opening via text. If shes a mutual friend, that should automatically sort of provide a base familiarity vs opening with some rando off the internet.
well she’s a human being so… it varies. For some people this might be too strong/forward/to the point. For others, it’s just right. That’s part of dating that perhaps some of the 20-somethings miss – sometimes failure is the point.
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>She is expecting it because she gave my friend permission to give her number to me.
This kind of stood out. I figure your friend is the one who had both of your numbers, but how your friend got involved I feel is somehow relevant here.
I am a 30f and I would love to get a text like that!
I think with online dating there has to be some kind of text game, especially for men trying to date women since women get 10x the amount of matches men do, so sometimes men have to up their texting game to stand out. I think that’s probably a big part of the “game” you’re referring to. When OLD isn’t involved and you’ve already met it’s more of a non-issue. When you’re interested in someone, show interest. That does not mean text them 100x a day. It just means when you DO text/talk, be enthusiastic and show interest, and I think your text here does just that.
As a female in her 30s, most of us hate games.
“Hi, my name is _____ , I really enjoyed meeting you at the new years party and would like to take you to dinner this weekend. Are you available any evenings coming up?”
Straight forward, to the point, polite. Ensure your date is fully planned before you pick.her up, she should never have to tell you what you are doing or going to eat. We don’t want a partner who can’t think for themselves so men that can actually make those decisions are insanely sexy and rare. Be insanely sexy and rare.
“Hey hows tricks? Did you have a good night friday/whenever. Fancy a drink or dinner this week? Xyz”
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>My first instinct is to just send something along the lines of “hey, [name] this is [my name] from the party. I’ve been trying to get your number for a month now, so I could see if you want to get dinner this week.”
You were going to use such an opener after criticizing the “younger” way of doing it as “bullshit”? Your opener isn’t better than theirs. I want you to read your line out loud so you can hear how bad of an opener line it really is. You’ll come off desperate and also seem like you don’t have dating options at all. That’s a turnoff to women. You also don’t seed the idea of a potential date in the opening line. You build up to it since you two are pretty much strangers still. She needs to know something about you before she even agrees to go out on a date with you. Build some familiarity. The New Year’s party was over a month ago. She may not even remember the conversation you two had. She is probably giving you her number because your friend is putting in a word for you. I also recommend that you don’t take a woman out specifically on a dinner date because it’s way too formal and “Hollywoody”.
>I think it is direct and to the point and doesn’t waste anyone’s time
If you can’t invest at least a small fraction of your time into dating, expect yourself to not find much success anytime soon
> we have lives and careers and such now.
What life? You’re single most likely without kids.
Opening text?
“Hey, this is Edmund. When are you free to get together.”
Make sure that anything you text is confident and assuming she wants to see you. Because you enjoy your life and she’ll want to enjoy it with you.
Attraction is not a choice. She’ll be into you or she won’t.
Be happy in what you’re doing with your life and what you want your life to become (even if you just started researching a new business or career or training or whatever). Show your interest, then wait for her to respond. Be patient and let her choose you.
That’s all you need to do. The right ones will choose you back.
Your objective now is to tease her just a little and make her laugh
I am so turned off by the ‘young people’ opening lines I see on r/tinder Common ones are trying to make a joke using someone’s name or the ‘sit on my face…respectfully’ one.
I understand why men see a need to stand out on the apps where they are very much pitted against them, but the lines are just so unnecessary for people who have been around the block a few times. Many people in their 30s are looking for a genuine connection.
I think your message sounds great. The guy I’m currently seeing did not play it cool at all and made no secret that he was into me and it was such a breath of fresh air from all the guys I had to try to analyse their text patterns to try to work out if they were into me.
Text to set up a date then take it from there. No need for games bc she’s already expressed interest in you. This may be one of those that doesn’t need a lot of overthinking
Honestly, I feel like your original text is fine.
It has been a while since New Years, so, whether you say it or not, it doesn’t matter. If you’ve said you’ve wanted to chat since the party, it doesn’t take much logic to deduce you probably spent some of the last month trying to get her details.
I’d just say be honest.
“Hi, _____. This is _____ from the NEWS party. I asked around and got your number bc I thought we really hit it off and I was wondering if you might be interested in getting to know me better? If so maybe we can do coffee and a stroll later this week. Thanks so much for the fun memory and I hope you’re doing well.”
That would work on me without being creepy.
I have never been impressed by “game.” I just want to get to know someone and let them get to know me, and “game” is performative and gets in the way of real intimacy. Now, if the real you is funny and silly, that’s fine and well. But if the point of being funny and silly is just to try to impress me, it’s fake, and I don’t like that.
I think regardless of age, you need to put out feelers to gauge interest. Texting is more nuanced (bc you can’t hear tone, etc..) and requires more subtlety (imo), whereas talking on the phone (kind of the standard dating etiquette growing up) is a clearer form of communication.
When there’s mutual interest, I think it would be nice to communicate clearly what we are looking for at our age, but I don’t always find that to
necessarily be the case either. Everyone doesn’t want the same thing even at our age and it’s nice when you can accept that what you might want is different from someone else.
I think it’s a balance of reading between the lines and being as transparent as possible regarding what you’re after. I keep my expectations pretty low these days and try to have fun w/ it by doing things on a date I might want to try doing anyway. Good luck out there! 💛
Edit: I think a subtler intro will work better. Maybe going with “Hey,this is ___. ___ gave me your number & I thought I’d say Hi and see how you’re doing.” Women agreeing to give out their # isn’t always an indication of interest unfortunately- they might be open to the possibility in the moment or say sure w/o really thinking about it.
The question (for any age) is whether you’re interested in the type of partner that wants to play those games. If you aren’t, then why would you do so?
Game is having a mtge and a job.
The middle sentence is makes it a little heavy. “I’ve been trying to get your number for a month now,” sounds a little too invested, and might make her feel wary.
Just say who you are and that you met her at the party. Give her a chance to respond, then say you enjoyed meeting her and would she like to go to dinner.
Ignore everyone else.
You still need to have decent banter, be playful, not overshare, keep your texts short, all the same stuff. The overall tenor of it has to come across as more mature though.
I’d say your instincts are correct we’re adults be straight to the point cuz ain’t nobody got time for that shit.
She’s already indicated that she’s interested you’re clearly interested why do any beating around the bush?
People still play games in their 30s. If you find yourself in the situation where they are playing games with you just walk away.