As title, I (40, F) have seen this guy (39, M) two months (met on bumble) and he starts to reveal his gentle part to me and wishes me to respond and treat him a certain way since it’s his soft part. But I am not a mind reader and am pretty busy with work. I find myself very stressed out with his demand and the responsibility to hold him well.
I tried to tell him that this stresses me out and I don’t have the capability to handle it well at this stage of my life and he interpreted it as I don’t care about his feelings enough— at this moment we can’t find a way to work it out nor find a middle ground where we can meet. I don’t want to lose him but also don’t have time and energy to improve it.
Sorry I don’t really know how to better describe the situation but if anyone has any insights, it’s super appreciated. Thanks
Edit: give an example:
He criticized one of his childhood friends a lot and then told me that he doesn’t like me thinking negatively about his friend since he subconsciously thinks his friend represents part of his old him.
12 comments
So what it sounds like is he has ‘issues’ and wants you to help him work through them by being supportive in a manner that you aren’t quite comfortable with yet because the relationship is new.
If that’s what he wants, then he needs to realize that in order for you to be able to provide that, you need to be comfortable and ready for it. Otherwise it will not be genuine and will just cause resentment on your end that he’s taking advantage of you.
You are not his therapist. It’s one thing to want a partner who is understanding and patient, who is willing to be there for you when you need them in the long term. It’s quite another to tell someone you’re not interested in them just because you aren’t yet comfortable dealing with their baggage.
Unfortunately the only solution is going to be a difficult conversation. The good news is either he agrees to your boundaries and your relationship deepens, or he doesn’t and you know he isn’t the one for you.
Can you describe more about what his soft side is and what the conversations were ahead of time?
It sounds like he’s looking for emotional intimacy and you’re not open to that. So either it’s have a talk and adjust accordingly or it’s over based on the tea leaves.
He has a need he’s asking you to fill and you’re saying you can’t.
You sound incompatible
Give an example
From your example it honestly sounds like he has self esteem issues and want your validation in order to feel better about himself. Which I can understand to a certain extent, we want our partners to provide some support and validation when we’re feeling weak and vulnerable. However it sounds like he is asking for intimacy and vulnerability too early on in the relationship, and you are not ready to take on that role for him yet. This is a difficult conversation to have in terms of asking him to temper down his expectations without causing him to feel hurt and to pull away, but you’ll need to have this conversation with him before you start to develop resentment and irritation from his actions.
That guy needs to man up
He sounds like he needs a therapist not a girlfriend. Sure everyone wants to feel loved and validated but at this stage in the relationship it sounds like he’s really asking you to go above and beyond, not to mention that he’s violating your boundaries by continuing to ask for more than you’ve communicated that you’re able to provide. His expectations need a hard reset or you both need to take some space.
>He criticized one of his childhood friends a lot and then told me that he doesn’t like me thinking negatively about his friend since he subconsciously thinks his friend represents part of his old him
I eat a lot of Snickers bars, and then I don’t like my lack of ab definition. But I also understand that if I want a different outcome, it’s on me to reconsider my choices.
It doesnt seem to me like your problem is how to draw boundaries between casual and serious.
It sounds like you were very open with him about what you can offer and he is having trouble accepting that because of his own issues.
Based on what you have written his issues are not something he can sort out in the short time period. If he is not activetly doing something in that direction you can stay and deal with his insecurities or you can walk away.
It has only been 2 months and to me just reading what you have wrote about his behaviour already sounds really exhausting.
Pass.
Yeah I think you both need to take a step back. He’s pushing too hard and you’re reacting negatively and no one is having a good time. It might help to take a little break for a few days, a week whatever, and see how you both feel after that. But it kind of sounds like he isn’t secure enough to understand/handle a break, and you’ve reached your limit of how much you can give this person. It might be that it just the isn’t the right time or you’re not right for each other.
Sounds like if you’re not willing to out in the “work” to improve yourself then he’s not for you and you should leave the relationship