My wife earns 10x what I do. For tax reasons we use my money first to pay for stuff, then hers. My entire pay check each month is barely enough for the mortgage, but she can easily pay for everything. I’m 2 years into a career and am making a bit above average in my field and am happy where I work. I worry about being able to keep a similar job at a larger company, if I were to move to try and make more. The highest average reported incomes in my field are still 1/5th of what she makes, so essentially I’ll never be able to earn more, and I’d have to be seasoned and excellent at my job to make enough to pay for everything.
It’s been 8 years since we got married, and we both feel like my income insecurity has caused this wall to always be up between us.
Yes, I’m insecure. The feeling fluctuates. My question is, how do I get over it? I’m not abusive, I don’t dwell on it 24/7, but it’s always there, in the back of my mind…that I’m lesser.
Hoping for books or anecdotes that might help…
5 comments
Why do you use your earnings for tax reasons? I’m just not understanding that part of it but it might be because I don’t understand the tax implications of your country. Have you considered splitting your bills by a percentage – You each pay based on your earnings in comparison? So you would pay 10% of the bill and she would pay 90% if she really does earn that much more than you. That way you’ll have some extra money left over that is your own to do something with. It will give you more security. I currently earn all the money in my home as the wife. We have a joint checking account and both have equal access to the funds. So it’s our money, not his money or my money. Have you considered putting your funds together in a joint account?
Good on her. If I were her I’d probably be thinking about “what would life look like with a richer partner” but not everyone is as shallow or ambitious as me.
Do you make little or does she make a lot or a combination of both?
When you say you use your money first and she can afford to pay for everything, are you saying the current arrangement leaves you with nothing? Are your finances completely separate? If so, you both need to revisit that and give yourself some breathing room. If your money is at least somewhat combined, then you need to figure out how to deal with the fact that super successful women find you irresistible.
Are you both happy? If so, you need to learn to get over this. Go get help. You & your wife are a team. Who cares who earns more? Do you live in a nice home? Would you rather not? If you like your job stay with it. A lot of people have jobs that they hate and are stuck.
There is a saying “You don’t miss your water until the well runs dry.”
Don’t ruin a good marriage.
Stop making your wife deal with this. Keep it to yourself and get counseling on your self esteem. You should be happy not emasculated