Written on my phone & first post so I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense 🙂
Background: My fiancé (22m) and I (22f) are in a weird argument. We live together and are planning on marrying in the fall of 2023. We have never had any issues that we could not work out, or at least come to a reasonable conclusion that works for both of us.
The other day I was at work and my coworkers were talking about their moms. I don’t have the best relationship with mine, and a lot of the things my coworkers were saying were making me realize how fucked up my childhood was. I cried all the way home and was just in an awful mood.
When I got home (at 5 pm), my fiancé had done absolutely nothing. He had literally nothing to do all day, but he had not cleaned anything, had not showered, and had made arrangements to go to dinner with a friend, when he told me before I left for work in the morning that we would hang out that night.
I was already in an awful mood from work and so I got quiet after he told me about his plans with his friend and just sat on my phone on Reddit after we talked for maybe 2 min about how my day went (I said “it was okay, but I don’t really want to talk about it right now” because I didn’t want to start crying again). He got in the shower- while he was in the shower I did a quick clean of our entire apartment. It wasn’t that bad, but we had people over for the fourth so there was trash all over.
He didn’t say anything about the apartment magically being cleaned when he got out of the shower, grabbed my keys (with my permission ofc) and went to dinner. He was gone for about 2 hours (got home at 8), and at that time I was just done with the day.
I was still being quiet (not silent treatment, but less talkative than normal) when he got home and that lead to an argument. He told me I was being emotionally manipulative for not telling him what was wrong, because he just KNEW I was giving him shit for going to dinner and that we still had time to hang out so it wasn’t fair. I assured him MULTIPLE times that that was not the main reason I was upset, and that I really just wanted to be sad for a while but didn’t want to open the can of worms and start crying again. I finally got fed up with him pestering me and I went for a drive.
When I got home we started talking about what happened & that’s when things got bad. He turned the conversation into a discussion about his friends. I struggle with his friends- they have made comments that are fatphobic (I’m a size 12/14), told him that proposing to me was a mistake because I dropped out of college (I am an esthetician) and he would have to support me, none of them said happy birthday to him this year, but said happy birthday to another boy in the group a week later (they’ve all been friends for at least 8 years) and so much more.
I am working with my therapist on being more willing to have a relationship with them because I know it’s important to him, but I feel my emotions very deeply and it is hard. One of the things my therapist suggested, was him having one afternoon a week that I would know was just for me, so I wouldn’t worry about his friends trying to guilt him into ditching me to hang with them. The rest of the time during the week he wasn’t at work could be spent doing whatever he wants. That way I know I get at least one day a week where I don’t have to stress about his friends. His response was: “well you don’t need a whole afternoon, maybe 2 hours”. That really hurt my feelings. I had an ex tell me once, “I can’t make plans with you more than an hour in advance because what if something more fun comes up?” So I feel like I’m repeating history. Shouldn’t your significant other (ESPECIALLY your fiancé) want to spend more than 2 hours a week together? We have pretty opposite schedules so we normally see each other at bed time and maybe on a rare weekend.
I let him know that that was fine, but since he was not willing to compromise with me then I wasn’t going to put my life on hold for him anymore. Which means, I will not wait up for him to come home from work, and I will go to bed when I’m tired (I have to wake up at 6 am everyday… he sleeps until at least 1. That’s another problem for another time) instead of hanging out with him after work. I also will not wait for him to be done hanging out with his friends so we can see each other, and will just do as I please. This means less time together, less sex, all of it.
Is my response dramatic? Am I missing something here? Pls help
4 comments
One afternoon out of 7 days was too much to ask for? Does he seriously think your marriage will be successful if he just neglects you and your feelings all the time? It won’t.
I honestly don’t understand why you’re working with a therapist on the entire friend issue. His friends make awful comments and you’re just supposed to look past it? Did he at any point stand up for you and tell his friends to stop?
I realize this is probably just one big issue you guys have, but I wouldn’t be marrying a guy like that. You work all day, come home to a mess and he’s sitting there prioritizing his friends over you. He won’t even give you one afternoon a week of his time. You shouldn’t even have to be asking for his time like this.
You had a rough day and he couldn’t show any sympathy or empathy at all. It was all him him him.
You definitely need to have a sit-down conversation about what you want and tell him that unless he can shape up, you’re gone.
Edit: The 2 hours a week thing if fucking insane to me. I love my gf, I will prioritize her over every other activity or event. I take every opportunity I can to spend time with her. You deserve someone who actually wants to be with you, and will make time for you.
From what I can tell, outside of the work sadness, you were frustrated he didn’t clean, he made plans with friends after making plans with you, he didn’t appreciate you cleaning, and that you don’t spend enough time together. It sounds like he has had a hard time deciphering your feelings in the past so he’s guessing at what you are upset about (the dinner). But you assuring him that it’s not the main reason your upset and not sharing your frustrations with him, make me wonder if you feel like you can talk to him. Not sure if that’s an internal issue to work on or if you are afraid he’ll turn it around on you or get upset with you. Either way there is a definite communication break down.
Him saying your “emotionally manipulative” because you did not tell him why you were being quiet and insisting he knew why you were upset is also a concerning reaction. I can understand the frustration he may have felt not knowing why you are upset, but you are allowed to feel upset and let him know that you will talk about it when you’re able, and he can express his concern/frustration without blaming you or accusing you of manipulating him.
It is also not great that you expressed your needs (“one afternoon a week just for you”) and instead of hearing you and communicating whether he felt he could meet that need, he told you what your needs actually were (“you don’t need a whole afternoon, maybe 2 hours”). It does not seem like he heard or respected your needs.
I really wonder if you really “never had any issues you can’t work out” or if you have just let things go because you don’t want the argument. As mentioned in my first sentence plus the friends being rude about you, it seems like there’s a few issues, some ongoing. Either way I encourage you to read [this](https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/) article, and if you feel like it might help, share with your fiancé. Best of luck!
Why does he want to marry someone who he doesn’t want to spend time with?
Why do you want to marry someone who doesn’t want to spend time with you?