There’s no week without a fight between me and my mom.
Fighting started after divorce with her husband, when I overheard her talking on her phone with some man and saying that she loves him.
I never liked the idea of her having a romantic relationship with anyone and after divorce she claimed that there will be no more of that in her life. That was a lie apparently.
I lost my trust for her and disliked her a bit after that situation. Fights about her longing for love lasted for half a year.
We decided that it’s best to leave this topic behind and pretend that it doesn’t exist as we can’t come to any conclusion.
But we still keep fighting about other things.
She constantly accuses me of being an egoist and thinks that I don’t respect her. She thinks that I as her child should want to help her and take care of her (like making her coffee and things like that). I do that when she asks but she would like my to do it without asking.
I do not feel the need to do these things and therefore I won’t change how I act.
She also expects me to buy her quite costly (around 30-40$) things like jewelry when there is an occasion. All my life I thought that good gift for a mom is something like flowers or something handmade but she doesn’t want presents like that.
I do not have a job and don’t want to spend so much on her. She is an adult and can buy herself better quality jewelry if she wants.
She also seems to overreact a lot. We talk about food sometimes and we like different things. I sometimes comment on her food choices. Nothing abnormal, things like “It’s so weird that you prefer fruits over chocolate. Chocolate is obviously better.”.
Apparently by saying things like that I make her feel disrespected and she thinks that I imply that she is an idiot. I don’t think it is really so bad to express my very not serious opinion about her food choices. I say things like that in jokingly manner, not to offend her.
Today we were watching TV. There was a scene where some kid got flashcards as a gift. She said “you should buy me those” and I responded “why should I be the one buying you these?”, as I didn’t understand why she wants her child without any source of income to buy her things. She then proceeded to start getting ready for work and by her tone when saying “bye” expressed that she is pissed at me. Very childish behavior in my opinion. We should talk about problems instead of giving ourselves silent treatment.
I think that she just can’t talk, she prefers to accuse. Last time when we were arguing and I was trying to find out why exactly she is mad at me she said that she isn’t, then she proceeded to recite all my flaws and tried to change topic to how bad I am. I had to make her go back on track to get the response out of her.
She seems to have a lot of hatred towards me. I’m the same towards her but don’t tell her bad things because that won’t do no good.
Please tell me how to make this situation better. I’m afraid therapy isn’t possible as I hate psychologists and they always seem to take my mom as a good guy and I’m always the bad one.
TLDR: I argue with my mom constantly, we can’t have a constructive fight. How to change that?
4 comments
First, it is very normal and appropriate for there to be some conflict/tension in your relationship with your parents as you move towards independence in adulthood. It’s a tricky time to navigate for every teen and their parents.
That being said, there are a couple of things that stand out to me about your description of what life is like at home with your mom. The first thing is, it does not seem reasonable or appropriate for you to demand that your mother not look for romance or companionship with another adult. Sure, it might feel uncomfortable, but your mom is a human being with the same needs and wants for companionship and affection as anyone else. If she is single and is otherwise attending to your care and upbringing (ie. not neglecting you or the home in the pursuit of romance/companionship) I do not see the harm. It’s perfectly okay for you to set boundaries around what you’re comfortable with (for example, maybe you don’t want to meet every person she dates right away) but completely vetoing her dating is a major overreach.
And to that end, it sounds like because she isn’t “allowed” to pursue that type of relationship without you arguing with her about it, she may be trying to get that kind of attention from you – her kid. That’s what the “do nice things for me without me asking” and “buy me gifts” stuff reads like. Is it appropriate? No. But you can’t demand to be your mom’s whole world without somewhat reciprocating it, especially as you’re a young adult now.
My advice: ease up on making it hard/impossible for her to date, and she’ll likely chill out with you as a result.
Well, the TLDR you summed up with is a problem. You want to have a constructive fight. Fights don’t solve any problems, just makes problems worse. What you should be trying to do is have a constructive conversation, and when fighting begins, don’t fight back, just let it go over. Confused on why you don’t think your mom she be allowed to date anyone and just be alone. If she wants to be with someone, she should be able to. You seem to actively push her buttons to create a conflict. You know the things that set her off, you know what she wants, and you seem surprised when she’s angry at your responses. And yeah, I think therapy is a bunch of bull for most things, but very helpful to some people. Honestly do think you need someone, either therapist or neutral party of some kind that you can talk with and figure out what it is you have going on, making you cause conflict, and insisting your mother be alone and only have you as company.
It sounds like you aren’t getting along with your mother, and there are some really big problems and the relationship that I don’t think either of you can solve right now.
It sounds like your mother is trying to get some of her needs met in the relationship with you that are inappropriate, such as wanting to feel loved by asking for very expensive romantic gifts.
I think that you should understand that your mother is a human being who has her own needs. She is very much is wanting someone to be in her life and that because there is no one in her life she is trying to get these needs met from you and things are getting inappropriate and weird and very difficult for you as you are only a teenager and this is a lot for you to handle. If you give up on all of this and let your mother be her own person, I think a lot of things in the relationship will resolve and go back to normal. Your mother probably will date other people. Let go. Let her. Let her be her own person, who will make her own mistakes in the future, and will probably have other relationships that don’t end up well. That’s life. You have to let go. You might consider letting all of this relationship stuff be your mother’s problem. If she gets into a relationship and she explodes it, let it be your mother’s problem. Not your problem.
It sounds like you have a lot of resentment over how the relationship with her spouse ended. Do you miss this person? Are you able to pursue a father-daughter relationship with her ex-husband? If not, are there any other role models in your life who you can talk to you more and fill that role of father figure?
As you are not getting along very well with your mother you might consider moving out and being by yourself. Or maybe you can move in with some roommates. I understand that right now you are only 17, but this is the perfect age to start thinking about moving out and moving on with your life. Perhaps you would like to get a part-time job and start saving up money. As a bonus, you will be out of the house and not fighting with her because you will be too tired to care. I would strongly recommend that you open up the bank account that your mother cannot access and doesn’t know about if possible. That way she can’t bug you for any money.
Please don’t lend or give your mother any money if you can help it, it sounds like she will quickly drain you dry with all of her expensive taste while you were working a minimum wage job. Then you will just be even angrier at her. I know there was a lot in here, but if I can give you a little life hint, you giving her lots and lots of money isn’t going to make her happy. She will swear up and down that it will. But you know the truth. Only she can make herself happy. Happiness comes from within yourself.
>I sometimes comment on her food choices. Nothing abnormal, things like “It’s so weird that you prefer fruits over chocolate. Chocolate is obviously better.”
What exactly are you hoping to accomplish with this line of questioning other than annoying her? Making random critical observations of someone else’s harmless choices is not desirable social discourse. You might look at it as idle chatter, but you’re being judgmental.
That said, she’s way out of line demanding expensive presents. How does she expect you to pay for this? And expecting you to wait on her hand and foot is pretty ridiculous. She seems like a very self centered person.
I think distancing yourself from her as much as possible might be the way to go. Learn the gray rock technique and stay out of her way until you can leave for college or get an apartment.