My fiance (33f) and (32m) I have been dating for just over a year- we just got engaged almost a month ago. I love her very much and I adore her kids (17m, 15f, 13f). We’ve spent the last few weeks looking at houses listings and discussing having more children. I’ve honestly never been happier.
I don’t want to get into too much detail but her ex has been in prison during our entire relationship and wasn’t supposed to get out for a couple more years. Quite suddenly he was released about a week and a half ago and now it feels like everything is different.
I really want to be happy he’s around but it feels like everything is different. I went from seeing the kids just about every other day to not seeing them since he got home. She and the kids were supposed to come to my family’s 4th party (which has always been a pretty hig deal for us) but the kids wanted to stay with their dad. Plus fiancé and him have been spending time together and are always texting and mow our house hunt is a hundred times more complicated because we’re basically looking for two houses so the kids have an easier time going back and forth.
Have of my friends and family are telling me this is normal and I just have to get used to it because he’s never going away. The other half are telling me we need to slow down until I see more how this will play out. I can’t even tell if what’s going on is actually making me uncomfortable or if I’m just so used to him not being around it’s just throwing me off.
I guess I’m just looking for advice on what might actually be a red flag that things might not work our vs what’s normal?
Tldr fiancé’s ex got out of prison and I’m not sure if I should be worried
11 comments
You need to consider the kids here. They’ve been without their father for a year, they weren’t sure how long it would be before they saw him again–they probably want to make up for lost time.
Your girlfriend and her ex are attempting to completely renegotiate the co-parenting situation. This isn’t as simple as “okay, he’s home” because they need to figure out housing, custody schedules, any child support, things like that.
It’s only been a week and a half. The kind of adjustments they need to make aren’t easy.
I think the house hunt should definitely come to a halt. In my opinion it sounds too soon to buy a house together anyways. If you have any questions or concerns about the relationship you definitely shouldn’t move forward with legally binding yourself without clarification.
I’d definitely not be cool with this. Someone who has just gotten out of a long prison sentence is not the kind of person I’d want my wife or step kids hanging around with. Obviously he is the kids parent he does have some rights but after whatever he did I can’t imagine he has very many. It’s not like you do years in jail for something minor, he did something very fucked up.
You can’t make her make the right decision but I’d definitely pump the breaks until things settle down. Taking the kids to jailbird daddies twice a month is definitely not a thing I’d want in my future. That’s simply not the kind of person you’d want your life permanently intertwined with.
There was an old post here, prolly still find it on YouTube.
Guy marries a si gle mom and takes in her 2 boys. Her ex was in prison and was let out 3yrs prior to there knowledge. He owed something like 15k in back support. Well he pops up leading them to think he recently got out, paid the owed amount in cash. Well the wife in time started to act similar to your fiance. The ex even tried to sell his kids to the husband, wife still didn’t stop it.
The husband cough said wife blowing the guy on a hidden cam that was placed on the TV. Then found out that they have been hooking up almost as soon as he was back.
I’m not here to bash single moms as that’s just BS but I’m going after her actions here. She is clearly starting to prioritize the ex over you. Now I can see this as he is there father but she would be transparent with you and talking about this with you before him when it comes to the life plans. So her actions here warrant caution and you should really put the breaks on here.
The kids wanting to spend more time with their father isn’t a big deal, but your fiancé skipping your stuff so she can hang out with him is a red flag. We’re they still together when he went to jail, and only broke up after? If so, I wouldn’t set a wedding date anytime soon, or put a deposit down on anything.
I would not blame you if you pumped the brakes on any house hunting and cohabitating. For now. Things have changed suddenly for everyone and a settling in period as everyone adjusts is warranted. Maybe you’ll decide this isn’t a sustainable way to live. That will be easier to sort out if you’re not entwined with a mortgage and such.
I agree he’s going to be around now and it’s unfair to ask that he not see his kids but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve some space to decide your comfort level. Most people who date a single parent with a co parent learn how to integrate slowly. You went from zero to sixty overnight.
People are simply not just released from prison…there’s a whole process they have to go through. So I’m wondering if someone isn’t being transparent here.
If you two were at the point of engagement and house-hunting, I thing you are entitled to a conversation here. Typically, when someone is released from prison, they need to have a place to stay. Where is he staying? If he was released early, he would likely be on parole. That means there are conditions to that parole. As her fiance, you should be aware of those conditions. It’s understandable that the kids would want to be around their dad, but they aren’t toddlers. They could spend some time with their dad without mom. They are separated. She doesn’t need to be spending *all* her time with him.
I think before you start looking at houses again or moving forward with anything, you need alot more information about what the actual situation is with him and her and what the plan is for the kids.
What’s going to happen is that they are going to hook up. The chance of this not happening is slim. They have more than likely already been together since he’s been out.
You got to play dad, and now the kids’ dad is actually back in their lives he will fill that role despite how you feel about it and despite what she says.
My advice to you is this. Go to her and say “You should seek closure. Lets split for a month, and if you are still wanting me around we can pick up where we left off, but you need to see where you are at with your ex. If we get back, he’s just the guy that exists on the weekends, no texting, no planning shit, that’s just the way it is.” (and to be fair, these kids are older, stuff can be planned through them)
What happens 9 times out of 10 is the guy gets out of prison, the woman goes backs and they try to make it work usually leaving her current relationship (you) until she realizes that it doesn’t work out like she imagined and she calls up the guy in your spot and finally pushes the ex out of the picture. The good thing for you is that the kids are all older.
For what it’s worth…If I were the mother and my children wanted to visit with their newly released from prison/jail father, I would not allow them to be alone with him until I checked him out. It would be important to me to be there to supervise the interaction and ensure it was safe.
I mean no malice to anyone who has been incarcerated. I would want to confirm that my ex was still the same person and the kids were safe to be with him. Also, this could be a traumatic time, so I would be there to ensure my kids were safe.
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Yeah….
…*.they’re not finished*….