Hello everyone, hope all is well. I am coming to you with a problem that my wife and I are kind stooped on. My wife (25) and I (25) have been together almost a decade now, and things are pretty great minus our sex life. When we first got together (I know 15, and 25 are different ages) she was typically always in the mood, and wanted to have sexual adventures quite often. However over the past few years that has declined rapidly. Sometimes 2-3 times a month. Sometimes even less. What we have come to realize is that penis in vagina is not comfortable for her a majority of the time. Which results in her laying there not very intersted, and essentially waiting her turn so I can make her finish by eating her out. I know it’s pretty typical for most women to prefer oral over PIV, but I feel like she should at least enjoy PIV.
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Also, a majority of the time she requires MASSIVE amounts of foreplay before we can move forward. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy foreplay. I think it has its part, and it can definitely enhance the whole situation, but every single time? Where’s the spontaniety?
Lastly, depending on her level of horniness, it’s like I have sex with a different women 2/10 times. The two times she’s really into it it feels perfect. But those 8/10 that she’s just waiting for me to finish so she can have her piece is quite disheartening. We’ve had numerous discussions about it, and we are both willing to do whatever is necessary to make alone time super fun again, but we are unsure of what to do/where to start. Any help is appreciated. Cheers!
4 comments
>I feel like she should at least enjoy PIV.
Why? If it’s not feeling good to her, why go to all these lengths to force something that’s not working? In my experience, the best approach with all things sex is to do what works, and don’t try too hard to solve problems. As soon as you make her vagina’s ability to function a certain way a problem that needs to be solved, that puts her at odds with her body and makes it harder to relax. Above all you want her to be relaxed and not worried about “is my vagina is going to cooperate this time?”
>a majority of the time she requires MASSIVE amounts of foreplay before we can move forward. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy foreplay. I think it has its part, and it can definitely enhance the whole situation, but every single time? Where’s the spontaniety?
I can only speak from experience, but my body changed a lot with regards to how quickly I can get something into my vagina. In my early 20s it was no problem, the spontaneous sex as you referred to. Now I’m in my 30s and this is absolutely not possible anymore. Theres no quickies, absolutely not. My body won’t allow it.
Anyway, aside from that, you’ve been together a long time, and people can get bored with sex after so many years. You could consider picking up a copy of Mating in Captivity and reading it together.
First. I’d avoid assumptions. The last sentence of the first paragraph for example. Even if that was correct, what’s typical for most women really isn’t important. Just the one. That may not seem like a big distinction, but it can create some weird thought processes down the road.
First step is to talk about it clearly. Sounds like you have a pretty thought out desire or expectation from sex even if you haven’t verbalized it. Saying she takes “massive” amounts of foreplay. 1. That’s not a time. 2. Probably not a super flattering way to describe it. So if your “normal” sex session would be 10-15 minutes of foreplay, then x amount of PIV then…..whatever else lay that out for her. She may or may not be capable or willing. Or her “normal” may be quite different than yours. Find common ground and give it a try.
Same goes for your comment about spontaneous sex. Does she know you like this? Have to talked about an acceptable substitute if she’s not capable of a quickie PIV? Random handy or BJ?
Have you tried to make her orgasm first and then try piv sex?
This was spot on my husband and I a few years ago. PIV was never “my thing” so I didn’t enjoy it but on the rare occasion. We started having more open conversations about things we wanted to try and that was a total game changer. From incorporating toys together to finding a good lube and even exploring new kinks together we made a complete 180. And while it still isn’t amazing every single time, I definitely enjoy PIV a lot more than back then.
There are apps available where you both answer questions Yes/No/Maybe and that can give you some ideas of new things to try. You can also make a trip to the sex store as part of a date night to find something new to add. Just going to the store together and imagining possibilities can be the mental foreplay she might need to get out of her head. I also find that taking time to take a long hot shower and put on some lingerie not only gets me in the right headspace but also adds anticipation for my husband waiting for me to come to bed. Little changes make a big difference. Hope this helps!!
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