I got divorced young from an emotionally abusive man after a year of marriage at age 25 (dumb, I know) and have come to terms through therapy with the fact that I’ve never been in true mutual love ever. I’ve never had anyone make love to me. And when I got divorced, I’d never had good sex.
So I’ve determined that all I want from men is friends with benefits, but I’m still cautious of diseases and also very picky about who I sleep with.
This year, the first time I had sex was in May. His name was Eric\*. He was the first match on Bumble I actually liked.
I told him from the start via texting that I wanted to be friends and he seemed offended at first and finally agreed that I’m cool, we could be friends. I went to his apartment and we had sex. He tried to invite me to a foursome the next day. I told him I wasn’t ready to experience that yet, but I was interested in a threesome someday.
He was my seventh sexual partner. I was # 207 for him. I’m only saying this to paint a picture… he is very experienced. I’m not.
I was gone for most of June and then when I got back, he was always too busy to hook up. But now we’ve been hooking up for a little while. Almost every day this week, actually.
I’m confused because on Saturday we had sex, and then he told me on Monday, “What if I told you the next time we hang that it has to be with another girl?” I told him that he has threesomes all the time, so why couldn’t he hook up with me solo, especially since we are neighbors who live so close?
Then on Tuesday we had really intense, amazing, passionate sex. Biting, choking, eye contact, dirty talk. Afterwards we cuddled and talked about pop culture, television, movies, politics, our lives… it was great. It was what I’ve always wanted. A legitimate friend to have sex with.
But then yesterday, he came over and only wanted a blowjob. Which is fine because I enjoy giving and it’s not always about me. But afterwards, he barely cuddled me, and told me randomly how he’s been feeling weird lately, for a week now; how he’s been having a dream and the same girl from his past keeps showing up, a girl he only saw twice. I told him, “Sounds like you’re in love” and he said, “No, obviously not.” Then he said he keeps dreaming of his exes, and one of his exes’ bfs showed up. Then he said he matched on Feeld with a girl who said she is anti-vax and he thought she was so stupid. He said if she were extremely hot, he would have hooked up with her regardless, but she “wasn’t that hot.” I asked why did he match with her if she wasn’t that hot? He didn’t really answer that.
He said, “I’m going to start an argument just for the fun of it. I’ll probably do that tonight.” He then stood up and began messaging her right in front of me. **Then he looked at me and said, “I’m glad the walk home is so close. Otherwise the walk would suck.”
I worried internally if maybe he was trying to tell me he only hooks up with me because I live close, not because I’m attractive.
I got the hint, loud and clear. I couldn’t help but laugh later though. \*I\* am the one who told him upfront that this was only a friend with benefits situation. I don’t understand why he suddenly thinks I have a crush?
I texted him the next morning (today) and told him not to worry, that I have no interest outside friendship and sex. He said, “Good to know”
I genuinely don’t care if he hooks up with other people. I’ve told him this, multiple times. I’m just concerned that now I”m going to miss out on a good hookup myself because he assumes I’m falling for him. What did I do wrong?
TL;DR: My friend with benefits suddenly became cold out of nowhere. Did I do something wrong and how do I fix it so I don’t lose the fun no-strings-attached hookup and companionship?
*Edited to add details.
38 comments
Don’t take this the wrong way but your post suggests to me that you’re walking right into another abusive relationship.
You can’t fix what you didn’t break.
You call him a friend with benefits but … is he a friend? Or he just a dude you hook up with sometimes?
No judgement, but you keep talking about him like he’s a friend, and … I don’t think he is.
If he’s going to be a jerk, you have to decide if you want to keep banging a jerk. Which, you know, if the sex is great, cool, go for it.
But I hate the fact that he just started acting like an asshole out of nowhere and your reaction is, “Oh no, what did *I* do wrong? How do *I* fix it?” when, I mean, you can’t fix a jerk.
This guy sucks. His personality sucks. He’s not a friend, the benefits are few. Don’t limit yourself to the first douche on the shelf, do some comparison. There’s a lot of good dick out there attached to actual pleasant people.
The problem isn’t you, it’s him. He sounds like he’s just as much of an abuser as your ex. I’d block and move on.
He was offended that you wanted friendship as well as sex, and he clearly is not giving you friendship. His actions have all been consistent, he is only interested in sex and only if it is very much the sex he wants or is very convenient. Find someone who actually cares about you. It can be a friends with benefits setup, but you two should still have some real friendship – some basic liking for each other, some basic consideration. You don’t need deep love for a friends with benefits, but you should have something. This is just a guy you hook up with who has made it clear he doesn’t care about you except for how he can use you.
Jesus Christ you’re picky about who you hook up with yet you hook up with THIS man??! I don’t think you’re being picky enough.
You’re pretending you don’t care about this person and it’s only sex, but if that was the case you would have deleted his number when he started displaying toxic traits and using abuser tactics (ignoring you/purposely picking fights/trying to make you jealous/going cold).
You’ll find someone else. Stop talking to him and do a self check-in about what you actually want in a relationship (not what you’ll tolerate to feel in control/safe from being hurt emotionally again).
Don’t reward men who treat you badly with sex. This guy may not be as abusive as your ex, but he’s still toxic. This isn’t for you to fix. Your job is to spot the bad behaviour and walk away, because you deserve better, even from guys that are ‘just friends’.
What’s extra sexy about eye contact? Shouldn’t that be standard?
He’s not a FWB, he’s a hookup. The terms get used interchangeably a lot these days but a true FWB is someone you can hang with even without sex on the table.
1) I wouldn’t believe that number of his…a lot of men exaggerate, especially if they want to pressure you sexually.
2) He’s trying to play some sort of game and get you jealous and/or insecure, either because he wants the validation or he wants to manipulate you sexually.
Just drop him and find a new guy. He’s run his course basically. Most likely the sex from this point on is going to come with a massive side serving of weird games and posturing.
There’s a difference between a “FWB” and a guy you fuck. He sounds like a guy you fuck and to him you’re just a girl he fucks in between other sexcapades.
He sounds shitty and exhausting.
Also, just be aware…..If you’ve decided that all you want from men is to be FWB you’re going to encounter a lot more men like this.
I would never ever f*ck a guy who counts how many lovers he had before you. I wouldn’t like to be “someone’s number”.
Honestly don’t know why you’re putting so much energy into someone that obviously has slept with so many people. In my experience I used to base it off numbers until I realized it doesn’t come with numbers for quality sex. Quality sex comes from two people willing to communicate and learn how to have sex the way a partner wants to
Anyone who treats you like that is absolutely not a friend. I’ve had one night stands with more personality and respect than this guy (which should be standard!). You’re scraping the bottom of the barrel with him.
Your post suggests that you care more about this person and what they’re doing, above and beyond a fwb situation.
I personally never understood fwb. Its messy. Feelings and connections happen. People are rarely on the same page.
I think the secret to have a good sex life and good friends with benefits is to draw boundaries and know when to let go. This is this moment to let go. He’s testing the water on how much he can disrespect you, be rude etc. I used to let a lot of shot go because I thought “It’s not a relationship anyway” but that never went well. You can’t fix this, and you’re not supposed to have to. FWB is supposed to be fun, light-hearted and respectful.
You can get other sex-partners. A lot of them. You might have to deal with a dry-spell for a little while but it’s worth it. Don’t sleep with anyone who doesn’t respect you. Stay safe! Stay picky!
Edit: When I say he’s testing the water, I mean that he’s probably going to get worse, he’s obviously a major assh*le because of his recent actions alone.
>I told him from the start via texting that I wanted to be friends and he seemed offended at first and finally agreed that I’m cool, we could be friends. I went to his apartment and we had sex.
Well…that escalated very quickly.
“then he told me on Monday, “What if I told you the next time we hang that it has to be with another girl?””
“Then he said he matched on Feeld with a girl who said she is anti-vax and he thought she was so stupid. He said if she were extremely hot, he would have hooked up with her regardless, but she “wasn’t that hot.” I asked why did he match with her if she wasn’t that hot? He didn’t really answer that.
He said, “I’m going to start an argument just for the fun of it. I’ll probably do that tonight.” He then stood up and began messaging her right in front of me. **Then he looked at me and said, “I’m glad the walk home is so close. Otherwise the walk would suck.””
He doesn’t assume you’re in love with him, it sounds more like he wants you to pine for him and is playing mind games to see if you fall for it.
Do you want to be friends with someone who does that?
I’m really unsure why you want to consider this guy a friend? He sounds like the definition of toxic masculinity and immaturity. He’s messaging other girls in front of you, starting fights for literally no reason per his own words, and can’t stand the idea of HIM having feelings for another girl (not that he should be telling you that to begin with) and is also trying to make you jealous while also making it clear, don’t you dare have feelings for me. He makes subtle implications that you’re not attractive but also that his standards are really low so long as he gets what he wants sexually (he’ll sleep with someone he thinks is stupid if they’re hot).
I mean, dude is a misogynistic asswipe. I get it, if the sex is good, keep having the sex, but I mean, call him out too. Itll also probably make him more interested if I’m being totally honest. Tell him you’re only hooking up with him because the sex is good, not because you like his personality because really, HOW could you actually like this guy as a human being? He seems to be, morally, a terrible person.
This guy sounds really gross and awful as a person. I hope you can find a nicer FWB.
You didn’t do anything wrong. This is just another weirdo that likes playing games. You were clear about what you wanted and he has chosen to behave as though you’re this desperate woman just waiting for him to lock you down. You aren’t stopping him from seeing other people and in fact seem to be encouraging him to do so, so his behavior is just odd. He’s purposely trying to make you feel like his second choice and obviously that doesn’t matter to you – you’re not asking to be exclusive.
Given that, I don’t think continuing to reward his downright rude behavior with more sex is worth it. He clearly won’t be missing much if he’s got a foursome and several other woman on call if you stop entertaining him. And you can move on to someone who you click with but doesn’t act like a horny, moody teenager. I know the apps suck but there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you don’t have to settle for this immaturity from a 30 year old.
Edited to fix some truly tragic formatting glitches.
Stop seeing him. Not worth it. There are a million bajillion other guys on dating apps. I would not want to be part of feeding this guy’s ego or giving him opportunities to try to “mess with my head” (like texting that other girl in front or you, bringing up exes, etc). Fuck this guy, he sucks.
You aren’t friends so this isn’t a friends with benefits situation. Friends respect each other.
I saw you’re title and assumed this was just going to be something about him being distant. Nope. He’s intentionally trying to hurt you and devalue you.
This dude isn’t your friend and doesn’t see you like that. Friends wouldn’t do the things he’s doing and they wouldn’t say that shit either.
This is less a friend with benefits situation and more of just the “benefits”. No judgement if thats what you are looking for.
Even if you are into being a sub in the bedroom and you enjoy this sort of treatment (again no judgements), it should be with someone who ultimately values and respects you and makes you feel valued and respected. I don’t think you should be having a relationship, let alone a sexual one, with anyone who treats you like this.
FWBs arent worthy of much drama. If you have to post on Reddit about it- I think it’d be wise to move on and find a new FWB. It’s pretty common for these types of relationships to fall apart because they arent worth the headache.
Get tested for STD’s and find a guy who isn’t shitty like him.
This guy sounds like an a$$. He treats you badly and yet you continue to give him sex?
Sounds like you’ve fallen back into a pattern of abusive relationships. Ditch this guy and work on yourself for a while.
If this guy is considered picky, I’m concerned to see who you would hook up with if you are not being picky. It sounds like you still have some work to do. Your FWB situation should be fun and this guy sounds very demeaning and insulting. I’m sure you can get sex from someone else who actually treats you like a person with feelings.
No where in this post did I get a sense that OP or this guy are “friends” even though it’s emphasized that they really are. Totally fine if both just want to hookup and nothing more, but OP I really think you’re giving this guy too much credit that you’re anything more than fuck buddies
Sounds like he’s trying to play mind games and maybe make you jealous? I wonder if he’s actually the one who’s caught feelings and is trying to test the water and see if you get jealous of him texting others.
Having done the whole FWB thing before I didn’t have an issue with texting another potential sex partner in front of my FWB. I gave my FWB advice on their tinder actually.
However, your FWBs behavior is super immature. Plus giving hypothetical ultimatums about threesomes is complete and utter BS. I also concur with everyone else pointing out him having a specific number is probably bullshit.
Friends with benefits shouldn’t be this emotionally taxing. He’s being insulting and acting as if your on your knees begging for him. Had a one night stand like this once. Such a turn off we never met again
You need to be single for a while and seek therapy.
you’re worried about the wrong thing. whether he has feelings for you or not, it’s irrelevant. he’s acting like a complete psychopath. please have more respect for yourself than this. plenty of men are great in bed without all this other fever dream behavior.
For someone who’s very picky, going with a neighbor who has had hundreds of sexual partners and apparently zero sexual boundaries, is an odd choice.
I’d say you just…back away slowly and leave this man to his little world of pornographic sexual encounters and manipulation.
Girl what….don’t let this manipulator catch you in a vulnerable moment like this or you’re gonna be right back to where you started. Break the cycle
I like how OP said she’s picky about who she hooks up with because of disease but then turns around and tells the story of hooking up with a guy who regularly sleeps with other random people.
I don’t think this guy even thinks of you as a friend.
Girl you can’t present yourself like that to guys, your just asking for another abusive relationship.
*No judgement* I learned the hard way. I get it. You want to have sex but you *NEED* to be respected as well.
You will never be wined and dined with any man when you tell them you only want hook ups. They will treat you as just a body.
I’m sorry but none of his actions gave me the vibe he thinks you like him. His actions are douchey because he is a douche and made it abundantly clear you’re just a girl he fucks.
This man and any man you develop this type of “relationship” or standard with will never view you as a friend. I also feel like you need to heal and take time away from this as well.
Leaving an abusive ex will mess you up and you’ll end up dating guys with similar qualities like them for a while.
“I got divorced young from an emotionally abusive man after a year of marriage at age 25 (dumb, I know) and have come to terms through therapy with the fact that I’ve never been in true mutual love ever. I’ve never had anyone make love to me. And when I got divorced, I’d never had good sex.”
“So I’ve determined that all I want from men is friends with benefits,”
this is one of the saddest things I’ve read. Both you calling yourself dumb for no reason with no basis (why does taking a risk at a young age make you dumb? Why are you responsible for other people’s poor choices? you were abused!), then your listing the way men have treated you poorly. And then, to come to the conclusion you did, that you want to put other people to your use the way you yourself have felt put to use by others. And finally, that you attempting to stay in control, not involve your feelings, etc has allowed you to tolerate disrespectful, shit behavior from this random who is not worth your or anyone’s time.
What about this: You aren’t to blame for any of the times people have abused you. You aren’t at fault. You can’t control the actions of others–terrifying and liberating. What you can do is learn to treat yourself like you’re precious, so that your needs, sexual or emotional, committed or not, come first for you, over anyone else’s bullshit and nonsense. Good luck to you.