Let me preface this by saying I’m a male if that matters but honestly it shouldn’t. Small backstory I’ve had 2 LTR (2Y, 6Y) that ended because I found out she was cheating. I’ve been the AP in another woman’s cheating while I was single, I regret it because I know exactly what it’s like to be on the receiving end. As soon as I found out she was in a relationship it ended.
I’ve seen a great deal of hostility from women regarding paternity tests and I see a very small selfish rationale behind it. Blanket trust is a mistake within reason. One of my LTR’s shared her location with me and still managed to cheat often enough to get caught twice. (I’m stupid) I’ve never cheated on a partner and am loyal to a fault. I can’t go through pregnancy but I still refuse to believe a paternity test is an unreasonable request even from a husband.
Any man who’s been cheated on is always going to have this thought seething in the back of his mind even though some won’t have the confidence to ask. The only remedy in my mind is a paternity test because people will be people and everyone can lie. Sure you can and probably will be offended if your SO comes and asks you for a paternity test. But refusing to see his POV and how prevalent cheating is EVERYWHERE is selfish. I’m being selfish too but this is nowhere near the same level of trust breach as actual cheating. With constructive communication I see this as something any healthy relationship can overcome easily.
I’m stealing the following from a women subreddit because it’s a good idea. Logically we should also have a DNA database so no child has some unknown as to who their father is. Any man worth anything would have no issue with this but alas this is just another way our government has failed the people. Sure it’s a huge undertaking but you have to start fixing the world somehow.
Just looking at my life I’ve had 3 cheating partners that I know about. Men can cheat too. Everyone can lie. If I asked my SO for a paternity test and she threatened to divorce or break up with me I’d be even more suspicious of her. Quit getting married if you aren’t ready for marriage. I’d gladly take a divorce to know I’m raising MY child.
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Same here but it was my gf asking for a maternity test. I promised her I’d never cheat but she just wanted to make sure the baby was hers and I can’t blame her.
Women cheating, no way…
100% for mandatory paternity tests. Would solve a lot of issues.
Wow. Bet the women will be beating your door down.
Your post did make me laugh though, so thanks for that.
And your wife may not divorce you for asking, but it will damage the relationship.
I don’t really see how it solves the problem though? The issue being: you don’t trust her. Getting a paternity test doesn’t make you trust her. It just proves your suspicion wrong that one time.
On your logic, you’d still expect a test no matter how many times your partner got pregnant. Even if every time it turned out to be yours. You’re not solving your trust issues. You’re pandering to them.
You shouldn’t marry someone you don’t trust to not cheat on you. Simple enough. If you trusted them not to cheat, then you wouldn’t need the paternity test. If you don’t trust them enough to not need a paternity test, don’t marry them.
I hope you make this expectation known before you have sex with someone. Would be a dealbreaker for me and I’m guessing more than a few other people. I’m sorry you have trust issues.
I just don’t know why men have to be all dramatic and ask for the paternity test. Why can’t you just get it done without telling everyone? Then you would know and go from there. What is the point of announcing that you want a paternity test, just get it done and shut up about it.
A paternity test makes sense if it’s a one night stand claiming her new baby is your child.
But if it’s a gf/wife then this situation should never come up. If I were to have a baby with someone there should already be 100% trust in that woman. If I suspect her of cheating on me then I would not be trying to have a baby with her.
A paternity test is an entirely reasonable request, because otherwise you bear all liabilities and costs for a child that may not actually be yours. I don’t want a child, so I will not acknowledge paternity without a test proving it to be mine.
I mean you’re right but personally if the baby is white, it will be pretty obvious that it’s not mine lmao
Youre gonna get a lot of flack and people saying “oh youll ruin the relationship because the women youre with will be offended by you asking”
Well boo fucking hoo. When the options are hurting her feelings or making sure the child youre raising is actually yours, then its a no brainer, get the test.
I would say the only caveat to this is that you should discuss it with her before kids and pregnancy is even in the equation. If she makes a big song and dance about it, then thats your red flag and you know not to stay in that relationship.
I don’t want to give a paternity test for my son. His mother was a cheater and now it’s just him and I. The idea that I could loose him scares the shit out of me. I’ve thought about it given his mothers background but I don’t think I have anything to gain. He turns 4 in october
1) you should never have unprotected sex with someone you don’t trust. if you don’t trust someone not to lie to you, you should not trust someone enough to have a child with. you’re thinking short term, the having the child part. raising a child takes an enormous amount of trust. you don’t want to make a mistake in the other parent of your child, so why would you EVER agree to have a child with anyone unless you could trust that they wouldn’t abandon your family for someone else?
2) what happens if you get the paternity test, the child is yours, but she’s still cheating. then what? you’re stuck raising a child with someone who cheated on you.
3) what happens if you get the paternity test and it’s yours and she’s not cheating? will you always wonder if you’re going to catch her? do you need to see her phone? when will she earn your trust? when can you let go of the anxiety in the back of your mind? do you plan to live with it forever?
i’m saying this as a woman who has been cheated on as well, more than once: GET SOME THERAPY. seriously. if it’s “always in the back of your mind” that’s not a healthy way to live your life, punishing future partners for the mistakes of the past. you have to get therapy and learn to make good choices in partners. i have always chosen very bad partners, but my now-husband is the most loyal, faithful person i know. it wrenches my heart to think of punishing him for the douchebags of the past. to not be able to fall into unconditional trust. he’s the father of the baby that is walloping my insides right now (my son is extremely active).
what men never consider is how terrifying this also is for women. they bang on about how a woman always knows the baby is biologically hers like that’s some kind of power position to be in. it’s not, women get pregnant and they’re stuck with the kid. you know how easy it could be for the man to just walk away? just vanish? you can’t collect child support if he drains your bank accounts and you don’t know where he is. you might end up kicked out on the street with a child for another woman. that’s pretty fucking scary, too, just as scary as raising a child that’s not yours.
so moral of the story is: don’t procreate with someone you can’t trust, and don’t procreate until you learn who and how you can trust. you have to be able to have faith in your abilities to pick someone good to be the parent to your child. it is the MOST important decision anyone can ever make.
Why did you marry her if you can’t trust a partner yet?
You’re the one who doesn’t seem ready for marriage.
I offered my husband a paternity test after our son was born. He said he didn’t need one. And he’s been cheated on in the past (not by me). If you don’t trust someone, don’t have a kid with them. Simple.
Sounds like you have terrible taste in women. Don’t have kids with someone you might even suspect of cheating. You were the victim multiple times. Take some time off because you are definitely projecting.
These posts can be terribly written because the most shocking thing to men is how many women jump down your throat and tell you you’re awful for wanting basic bodily autonomy and taking your family choices as seriously as women (well, used to) be able to. This is why we can’t have nice things.
I never cared about this topic before, but it wasn’t angry men who convinced me. It was the indifference and belligerence you see from women on the topic.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say, it’s not unreasonable to ask for a paternity test.
I’d say, with any of your future partners know ahead of time that you’d like a paternity test, if something were to happen and they become pregnant. It sounds like it’s a boundary for you. And it sounds even more deeply rooted, so I also suggest looking into therapy.
I believe it should just be standardized. Paternity tests on all children born, especially here in the U.S. doesn’t matter, if you have any doubts or not. It should be done to 100% of the time to all children to verify parents.
Then to me if a woman is cheating, and there may be a doubt of who the father is, then guess what she will have to come clean or risk at birth. This way a man can immediately file for divorce and ensure his name is not on the birth certificate.
Personally, I think Zero child support, and the woman should pay alimony if that happens. Now if she fesses up, different story on the alimony. Just my thoughts on it. I also think dead beat dads with three or more children by three or more women, should piss into a bag, and have their dicks chopped off, but I know I am on the fringe. They obviously don’t deserve to have it, if they can’t keep women from getting pregnant and not take care of his kids.
Are the arguments against a paternity test any different than arguments against a prenup?
I understand why asking for either of these things would be wildly offensive, but I think we would be better off if both of these things were normalized and somewhat universal. Having a paternity test protects you from finding out that you aren’t really the father YEARS later and the emotional/financial fallout of that.
If you have to ask for a paternity test y’all shouldn’t be in a relationship.
I’m stunned at the number of people who say “you shouldn’t have sex with someone you don’t absolutely trust.” Do you realize you’re arguing against STD tests?
Trust is earned. Giving someone your phone to look through is one way to earn trust. Paternity tests earn trust. Honesty and integrity earn trust. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say earn trust. Following up words with actions earns trust.
What people are arguing for isn’t trust, it’s faith. And it seems extremely one-sided.
I understand all too well your dilemma sir. My entire adult life, I had shitty luck picking girls. Every…single …one was unfaithful. Even my ex wife and mother to my kids (married 15 years, 12 affairs).
You know the common denominator….it was me. Things I thought I liked/looked for in women drew the women who are unfaithful. Roll on to therapy, they can help you unravel the ball of yarn.
So your plan there…it doesn’t do much. It’s like having a bandage handy for after you get shot. Pain is still there, you just don’t bleed as much. Make your goal not getting shot at all
Let me tell you that since I figured all that out and purposely sought out women that share my values, I don’t ever feel like they are cheating. It’s a completely different kind of feeling. Trust me, there are women out there that are beautiful inside and out.
I have a child with a woman I’m no longer with. I had to sue her in order to get my rights as a father. My custody lawyer recommended a paternity test and initially I refused, as I had 0% doubt that I was the father. My lawyer explained it to me like this:
Lets say I dont do the paternity test. 10 years go by and everything is going swimmingly. Then, some jackass comes out of nowhere making a claim that he could potentially be the father. Drama will absolutely result and it will basically turn into an episode of the Maury Povich Show.
Get that paternity test now, and I’m confirmed as the father. That same jackass comes out in 10 yeara making a claim. I can throw that paternity test in his face and say “Buzz off jackass!”.
That discussion with my lawyer changed my way of thinking. I now contend that paternity tests should be done on all births as a matter of course.
I wouldn’t put up with that amount of insecurity and mistrust in a relationship. I just wouldn’t. If my husband asked for a paternity test 1. It would happen with a divorce and 2. He’d be dumb af cause our kid looks exactly like him.
I just couldn’t fathom cheating on him and I know for a fact he wouldn’t cheat on me. I just know. I know that no matter how bad things got between us, he’d end it with me before he cheated.
I’ve been cheated on by every other significant other I’ve had besides him but I didn’t bring that insecurity into my marriage.
I judged him for him. He was different and I gave him the trust he deserves and he gave me the trust I deserve. I would hate to be in a relationship that is any less than that.
There’s allllll kinds of problems with a DNA database. That’s just begging for eugenics or genocide.