If I question if this world is worth to live in everyday is it even worth it?

19 male college student, I cant really complain about my family but my whole life I struggled with people, from bullying, to racism to rejection and loneliness.

I have some communications issues and Im terrible at “getting a clue” I dont hide this from anyone but even when we are supposedly all adults people still dont bother put effort into trying to be more direct despite me trying my best to also change and be more social, be it friends, crushes, teachers, co workers, and its not like Im just idling around, Im throwing myself outhere more than Ive ever been, I engage in convos, I show interest, I try my best and yet people dont want to even give me a chance or even listen to me.

I had supposedly good friend group once I started college but then I ask one of the girls out and of course I get friendzoned, fine, I give her a break, I talk about wanting to just be friends we start talking again, but then she all of sudden says that Im suffocating her and that she doesnt want to be my friend because I dont get hints, despite me saying multiple times that I have a hard time understanding hints and that if she disliked something she should directly tell me, she also blocked me and gave me no opportunity to explain myself(and btw Im not angry at her, just sad that she she kept withholding what I was doing and didnt listen to the very advice I gave her), and well, yall know the drill, I basically got kicked out of that group since “I had a fight”.

Everybody tells me that Im good person but Im not, all I do is destroy relationships be it because Im annoying or because I lack common sense, but its not like I hide it, whenever people it bring up Im always honest about it and that Im trying to change it but nobody tries to help me either, I put effort in every relationship I have but it seems nobody is willing to put some too, nobody tries to be more direct with me despite me always saying that I dont get a clue and that Im might not get when Im being clingy or annoying and that they should tell me, when I ask why its always because “oh but you are a nice person, I dont want to offend you, I tried to give you hints about it but you dont get them, so Im leaving”

How come people do the exact opposite of what I tell them everytime, I not a nice person, sure Im empathetic, I really avoid saying things that can offend, I like to offer food, I like to listen, if you drop something I will grab it but thats basic human decency or at least that I expect myself to do to make the world more bearable, I dont do all that for validatation its because it makes me feel useful for myself and I like not offending others and generally doing something for someone makes me feel competent, its always other people telling that Im nice but the same people also always leave me, Im not nice, Im lazy, I have depression, Im emotionally dependent, Im awkward, Im bad at talking to stangers, I have many strange quirks about myself that might be annoying to others, I talk to myself, Im childish, immature etc, and yet Im just the nice guy, but also Im that guy nobody actually wants to be with.

I hate how peoples words dont match their actions, everyone seems to be lying or withholding something and dont want to hear Im nice while people pretend that everything I do is fine until they cant stand me and leave me, I want to know exactly what wrong with me, I want them to tell me what I can do to be a better friend, if Im clinging too much, TELL ME, dont hold until you cant stand looking at me, I want honesty, help me to help our relationship.

My college years have been better than any previous ones, no bullying, no racism, I was actually confident in myself, but now Im just questioning if its worth to live in a world where no matter what I do people never actually like me.

And even when I vent about it to some people they all say “well you are a really nice dude but also quite inconvenient, you dont get it when people are trying to tell you something” and I always respond YES, I never deny it, I literally say that Im trying and yet nobody care cares and when I express that they always say “well people arent supposed to care, its how life is”, but arent relationships meant to take effort from both parties, whenever people tell me something I do is bad I avoid doing it again, but when I tell somebody to stop doing something they shrug it off.

Did I ever had friends to begin with? Am I putting too much effort? Am I not good enough? If I say that Im going to kill myself would they actually listen? Hell, do I want to live in a world where nobody listens to each other?

I hate this world and I hate the fact that I still try to love it, I hate how despite the world being so fucked up and people generally being selfish assholes that dont care if you have issues, I still find myself trying to be nice to others I still try to help everyone I meet and generally caring for others, but I have no friends, nobody to hang out with, even when I try my best to be a good friend and I warn people that I need them to be more blunt when Im annoying them, they dont listen.

Im expected to magically know how live in a society when 16 out of my 19 yrs of life Ive been actively excluded from it, when people would shame me, treat me like crap and never gave me an opportunity to grow, one of the dudes even asked how despite being nearly 20 I became so bad socializing, well its simple, I only started being treated normally and actually talking to people recently, before that I bullied, excluded from groups and whenever I fought back or tried to improve myself to not get bullied people would complain that Im different, that I was trying to change and the also bully me about it.

I couldnt start learning to become social untill 17 because the only time I was given an environment where people were at least neutral about me was in college. But because I couldnt grow before it Im basically playing catch up and nobody wants to help me or at least give me more opportunities to catch up faster.

And well, Im basically soft locked in life, too low lvl to grind in an area where the end game for life basically starts and I cant go back, all because I grew up with assholes that didnt let me grow no matter what I did, and I nobody is willing to help me now I will continue to not grow.

I try my best to self improve, I exercise, I help with work, I do house chores, I learn new skill, Im a good student, Im a fairly responsible person and a very competent adult, but my social skills are that of a 12 yr old and in a world where being sociable matters more than any other skill, people always get turned off when they interact with me and but never bother to say what Im doing wrong or how I can improve that.

And then you and others might ask, well friends erent the only ones to help, there are lovers, family, professionals etc, and well I tried that too.

Lovers? What is love, I know what falling in love is and the pain of rejection(and believe me, I try, Im not the type to not shoot my shot), never got past the “hey I like you, wanna go out for something?” And Im always hear the “you are really nice dude, but I just wanna be friends” so no love for me.

Family? Well, its complicated, my family is nice and they all love me, but Im literally the only descendant, 4 aunts 2 uncles and yet Im the only child because it seems my mom and dad were the only ones to score a good date so I grew up with a bunch of adults and no cousins or brothers, and well, the only sociable person with many friends there is my DAD(maybe my family is cursed or some shit) who is also terrible and explaining and listening to others, his advice is not good I tried, neither was from my other relatives.

Professionals? Well, ok, 3 psychologists, 2 psychiatrists and well, here I am, doesnt help that well their best advice for me I throwing myself out there to learn to interact with people which Im doing and still failing at it, I took meds, had tests and the besides being told to talk to more people, all I got was generic advice(that works but isnt meant to change life), how to relax when anxious(self control, its always good) and more places for me to vent my stress out, but Im still not better at socializing.

I know I have problems and I have I still need to improve myself and I am trying to do it but I dont see results, all I see is me screwing up multiple relationships that I didnt intend to and not actually learning anything from it because no one listens to me nor tells me what I could do to be better, I know its my fault for being weak but I wish I had somebody who was willing to teach me what its like to be a normal person, I dont wanna be popular, I just want a nice group to hang out with, and maybe lover who I can later marry and start family with.

And if my life is going to stay like this, where Im always alone and putting too much effort on people that dont even want me and dont try to help me in the first place, is this world really worth live in? Im questioning if I should be alive everyday, I question if my efforts are worth it everyday and the more days pass by the more I realize that nobody besides my family will be bothered if I suddenly vanished.

The woman I liked in college always said that people who dont know love are the most dangerous and its true, I think about doing terrible things both to others and myself everday and while I refuse to ever do them I still feel bad for thinking them and I wonder, if not being loved makes people dangerous, why does society ignore them?

I hate this world but I hate that Im trying to love it instead of being a normal person and just not caring.