I met my boyfriend when were only 17 (3 years of being together) and he’s the first man I’ve ever dated and gotten into a serious relationship with. When we first started dating, his parents had decent wages and and were living without much financial burdens and debts. However, they are now living paycheck to paycheck due to poor financial decisions made by his parents throughout the years. He now has no choice but to stop college and work in order to help his mother pay the bills and pay for his father’s meds because his father can’t work as he had a minor stroke a few months ago. They have already spent all their retirement funds in order to pay off all major debts. He also has a sister in college who they have prioritized as she is graduating this year and could help with the expenses next year. Even with his and his mother’s combined income, they are struggling with the monthly bills, meds, tuition, and some minor debts.
In all honesty, it has been affecting my relationship with my bf a lot as I come from a well off family and don’t need to worry much about money. His situation has made us no longer go on dates as much (maybe once or twice a month) and even then, we try to keep the costs of these dates as minimal as possible so he could contribute more on the bills. His mood and attitude has also changed a lot since his job is minimum wage, has a very grueling schedule (graveyard shift) and the work is hellish (customer service). We no longer communicate or text as much as I try to give him more time to sleep and rest. They are also some topics that we can’t talk about such as school and savings as he is very sensitive or touchy on it (which I completely understand). However, as hard as I try not to, this has made me resent him because of the lack of communication and intimacy, and we no longer do normal couple stuff that I have missed so much.
I feel that my boyfriend will still continue to support his family many years from now and might probably never go to college again. His sister’s chosen field is also low paying (in my country) and will most likely have the same fate too. The same fate will happen to me if I marry into their family. His mom and dad will mostly likely still work even if they are nearing their 60s. The lack of financial security in the future is scaring me and making me anxious. I’ve also tried to help out by offering my measly savings (which they have refused) and applying to part time jobs, but the standard of job qualifications is very high in our country and I could not get in plus I have a tight school schedule.
I also have started to think that maybe this relationship would not work. I’ve met his family and they are really nice and I pity their situation so much. I love my bf so much and we are compatible in so many ways that it hurts to feel this resentment towards him, but I feel like this resentment will likely grow in the future. Should I just break up with him because it will likely result in financial burden in the future? Or should I not and just suck it up ‘cause I love him and his family? Please, I really need advice on what I should do next.
I apologize in advance if there are any grammar errors and misspelled words as english is not my first language.
TL;DR
Boyfriend and his family is in a financial crisis and has affected our relationship.
10 comments
> it hurts to feel this resentment towards him, but I feel like this resentment will likely grow in the future. Should I just break up with him because it will likely result in financial burden in the future?
No, you should break up with him because you resent him for having less privilege than you do, and he deserves someone that will respect him and his family even if they are ‘poor.’
This is why I never date someone born into money. The world doesn’t revolve around you. I know you know that though. He may be consumed with helping his parents for a while, you are correct about that. But you’re also seeing a young man be dedicated to family and not just go no contact with them as soon as they become reliant on him, take notice of that as it is a very rare trait. There is studies that show a large percentage of men leave their wives when their wives get cancer or become disabled, it is opposite for women who for the majority, stay by their husbands sides. It also shows him willing to work hard when he needs to instead of completely fucking off and crashing under the stress. I will have him and his family in my prayers tonight.. I hope a wave of relief will come to his family soon… poor guy. You either need to be all for him and by his side, or break it off and tell him exactly why so he can see how you feel towards his parents and his status.
The first guy I dated came from money. He complained all the time, wanted the most expensive of everything, was bad at sex, refused to hold down a job and was incredibly selfish and self centered. I married a man that when I met him he was basically homeless. He was the most positive, brilliant and hard working man I have ever met. He was amazing at sex. He was a good person. He was into deals and not spending money in a frivolous way.
I would try to look at what your boyfriend does from another perspective. He is a very young hard working man who is also loyal and empathetic.
If you choose someone born into money like you, you may end up finding a person totally opposite of your current boyfriend. Whiney and flaky.
Seems like a karma account made this.
I have found that special dates with my wife include moments where we don’t spend money at all. Having a kid just means I have to steal quiet moments from time to time. We go to the park and have a picnic. We take a hike on a trail. These moments are valuable in order to connect with the person you are with.
I hear your bf’s story and I see a loyal man dedicated to family. There’s so many stories of trash men who put too much time in other women, video games, drugs.. You have one where his family is struggling and he sticks by them. Wouldn’t he do the same for you if you were in trouble?
If you can’t get past that then break his heart gently and let him find someone who truly loves him. Best wishes.
Wow. Well first of all you should probably break up with him for his sake because he deserves someone more understanding and supportive than you obviously are. Also if you’re upset about not going out as much, why don’t you foot the bill a few times, treat him to a nice, relaxing evening out since things are so tough for him right now.
You sound like a total AH that just wants everything to be easy for her. Sorry sweetheart, but that’s not how life works.
I kind of hope something devastating happens in your family causing you to lose your money so that you can see what it’s like to struggle. And I bet if you did, he would stay by your side and support you emotionally even though you don’t deserve it.
Jeez, as of now the other comments have been pretty harsh on you and I think that’s ridiculous. You don’t owe your life to a bf who can no longer has room in his life for intimacy or quality time with you. And it’s 100% okay to want a partner of similar financial status so you have financial stability.
OP I’d say see if there’s some more creative dates you guys can do together that are free or cheap. Like getting into hiking, photography, cooking cool recipes, etc. That could help the financial situation for now, and hopefully he can go back to school soon so he can have better job prospects.
However if the money issue ends up preventing you from doing things you want it’s okay to leave. I would never be in a relationship with someone whose financial situation would prevent me from home ownership, travelling, and overall financial stability.
If his work shift causes a lack of quality time and intimacy it’s also okay to leave. You’re 20. It’s okay to want time and intimacy with your partner. If this is a requirement you have it’s a perfectly normal one and don’t feel bad about it. The circumstances are unfortunate for your bf, but it’s not your responsibility to tough out this worsening relationship because your bfs parents made poor decisions.
Honestly you are too young to think this way. He is only 20 and you can see he is ambitious, hard working, loyal, thoughtful guy with the way he is working this much to help his family. You can never predict future, you can never know who is gonna have better one. He deserves someone more thoughtful aswell in his life though. Baking things for him and arrange a picnic? Do a backyard movie night openning from your laptop or phone? Are these real issues or you arent creative? Or you just want expensive dates and he cant give that? Its ok to want financial stability in future not judging you for it but he isnt some lazy alcoholic, he is working hard, while you arent even working…
So you want breakup with someone whose family is already doing so bad ?
If you don’t think you’re compatible anymore break up. Honestly if you don’t want to be with him you don’t have to, you don’t need to ‘suck thing up’ that affect you because you love him.
Just remember, you’re an adult now. You might come from a privileged family, but until you make some money for yourself you’re not really shit. Especially since you’ve had every opportunity that your boyfriend didn’t.