Edit: what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to break up with him.. I just want him to change. I don’t know how to bring any of this up without him getting mad at me. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to talk to me. Talking to him on the phone used to be the highlight of my day.. but he’s so hot or cold I don’t even know if he wants to be with me? One day it seems like he’s so in love with me that he would propose soon. Then the next day it feels like he absolutely despises me. How do I fix this? 🙁
Me (23f) and my bf (28m) have been dating for 7 months now and have been long distance for the past 2 months. We don’t text at all during the day and we call each other once per night. He’s said that we doesn’t want to be on the phone past 10pm because we both have to be up early for work. But he never calls before 10pm. I suggested that he call earlier so we can actually go to sleep at a reasonable time and he called me a phone n*zi?? He says he doesn’t want to call me earlier and he also doesn’t want to talk past 10pm. He says he doesn’t want to talk every day, not even every other day. He’s sooooo busy working these “7am-6:30pm” shifts 5 days a week and then has to eat dinner and “relax” so he doesn’t have time to call me before 9pm his time. He says I’m the love of his life, he couldn’t see himself with anybody else, and yesterday he was imaging me as a mother.. but then turns around the next day and gives me the cold shoulder. Last night on the phone I was attempting to reminisce about our first road trip together and all the good times we had. He starts acting extremely tired and irritated and sighs so I ask him what’s going on. The phone cut out so I only heard half of what he said. I thought he said “I’m tired of being here I miss being with you” but he then corrected me and said he misses going to concerts. Absolutely nothing to do with the road trip I was trying to talk about. He makes it seem like talking to me is the absolute worst chore in the world. If he doesn’t want to talk for ~30 minutes every night then I’m just going to stop reaching out. If he wants to talk then he can call me. But I’m so irritated with this being a reoccurring problem that I don’t care if he doesn’t call me for the next week. At this point, the only difference between now and when I was single is that I talk to him once per night for 30 minutes. The rest of the 23.5 hours of the day is the exact same.
TLDR: bf and I have different ideas when it comes to communication and I try to compromise but he keeps contradicting himself.
11 comments
“I’m not going to be on the phone past 10pm”
“Okay call me earlier”
“I don’t wanna do that either”
Is a long way to say he doesn’t want to talk to you
What about the 2 days off? Is he finding excuses too or? Ik it is so tiring to work this much time, but like, you are gonna miss your partner through out the day you would wanna know how they are and at least if they’re okay and adjusting to each other absence atm. I think you can’t make someone want to talk to you and if you fought over this it wouldnt change the fact that he still doesnt wanna talk
7 months in, and now LDR. End it and find someone that can have an adult conversation and actually wants to spend time with you.
Seriously. A relationship shouldn’t be this hard, especially 7 months in.
I understand there is an age gap so our communication styles might differ a bit. But is this how 28 year olds act? Only wanting to talk to their gf a couple times a week because “we don’t have to talk every day”
Why are you tolerating this?
Alone time is one thing. Not wanting to speak briefly to the “love of his life” as a regular part of his day is nonsense. Lot’s of people work until 6:30, but only the cruel or disinterested would ever use that as an excuse to ignore their SOs for the subsequent 3 and a half hours. That’s not love.
>he finds a way to turn the blame onto me. I’ve tried to compromise and he always comes back with “we talk to each other every day what more do you want from me”.
It really sounds like this guy just…doesn’t want to talk to you and wants you to stop doing that before you…give him babies, I guess.
30 minutes a day isn’t too much at all. But if he’s too tired to do that, he could’ve asked for only 20, or 15, not stopping the phone calls altogether. And not replying to texts — which require much less effort — either? Along with his magically changing work schedule, it really looks like this guy is trying his hardest to not talk to you.
I think you should not call him for a few days and see how this turns out.
But for only 7 months…there shouldn’t be this much drama, seriously.
yeah i was in a LDR for 7 years on/off with my ex/gf/i dont know what. We spent 3+ hours on the phone every night and she just talked while i listened for the most part. It became daunting, and i basically had no time to do anything else in the evening other than be on the phone. Friends wanna hang? sorry cant on the phone. Family dinner? no sorry cant on the phone.
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Then we started playing games online together every night while we talked, which was better…until she also played the same game with her ex and cheated. So now i cant play that game, which was like 1 thing i enjoyed doing while relaxing
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id say 1 hour a day on the phone is max, try to schedule that with him. If he doesnt want to, hes most likely just trying to get you to break up with him because he doesnt want LDR and is too cowardly to just end it.
Im sorry, if he wanted to, he would. I have been in a very similar situation. Once you’re out of it, it will be crystal clear how manipulative and childish he is being. You deserve someone who shows up for at least the bare minimum and communicates like an adult
I don’t know if he’s a complete narcissist or if he’s avoidant attachment, but it kills me that I barely get to talk to the person that means the most to me and is supposed to be my best friend. We’ve had so many good memories together but as soon as he left for his temp job everything went to shit.
To even the playing field I will mention some good things about him from when he lived with me.
He would always rubs my feet or gives me a back massage when I’d ask. He did chores around the house when I was at work so I didn’t have to do them later. We would go hiking and go to concerts together frequently. We get along so well in person it’s like looking at myself in the mirror. Things have just been so different since he left for his temp job and it really sucks