my wife and i met at 18, got married at 21, and now we’re both nearly 42.
my sister has 4 kids, my brother has 4 kids, both of my cousins have 3 kids each.
and at each family party we see them interacting, growing, playing with their parents and each other. and the wife and i always have the exact same conversation during the drive home.
about how we agree that we’re so….incredibly…..
*happy* that we decided not to have any kids.
it is so nice leaving behind all the noise, the messes, the clutter, going back home to our clean, quiet, spacious house with more room than we need. and having so much free time to ourselves, and not having the extra expenses, and being able to pursue careers unfettered, as well as the hobbies we enjoy doing.
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personally, i don’t do puke, shit, or noise. so that was kind of a dealbreaker for me. my wife loves nothing more than sleeping late on the weekends and having lots of free time when she isn’t at work. especially when she comes home from a very rough day (she’s a dentist) and just wants to relax in the hot tub with a couple beers and a joint of my homegrown weed.
still…there are times when i privately wonder what it might have been like. if i could have been a decent parent (though i usually doubt it). if it would have helped us bond even deeper, or if they’d have been best friends with their cousins, stuff like that.
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do you ever regret having kids, even a little?
or not having them?
48 comments
Have three kids. Never regretted it for one second. Best thing we ever did. To each his own.
We had some years of mess and noise and it went very quickly and now they are grown.
You can look at the data.
Couples who have no children are happier than couples who do for about 20 years. However material satisfaction is higher on average for empty nesters than for couples who never had kids. The disparity grows with age.
So, yeah, it seems like those tantrums and teenage years really kill life satisfaction.
We have been trying, unsuccessfully, to have them as we definitely want kids. I think they are awesome and want all the diaper changing, throw up or whatever. All of it..I’ll take it if it comes with a little bundle of joy.
To each their own of course.
The biggest regret I have with having kids is….I can’t have nice things anymore. I’m constantly cleaning up after them, my car is never clean on the interior (this is the biggest one for me), constantly eating garbage because they don’t eat quality food and I don’t want to cook twice, etc.
Other than that there’s the minor conflicts but….my oldest just turned 18 and I can’t imagine not having her in my life. The next oldest is 14 and he’s a pretty good kid too. Sooner or later the other two will stop driving me nuts and I’ll be a happy camper.
I never thought I wanted kids….we didn’t plan any of them….turns out we are just REALLY fertile.
To be honest though my kids are really well behaved at family functions. I understand how you could only see the good if that’s where you see them most. Offer to babysit and see how that goes….trust we parents can ALWAYS use a night out.
I have a 5yo son. I don’t regret it at all- I did have a time where I kinda regretted basically everything in my life after having him, but I had bad PPD/mild PPP back then so everything’s kinda skewed during that time.
Honestly though regret is a weird thing to me. I just don’t see the point of hanging onto it, so I don’t. To me regrets are things you process, learn from, work on, then move on from. I can’t remember the last time I’ve regretted something worth any substance, whose existence wasn’t influenced by other issues (like the aforementioned PPD/PPP).
I think it’s normal for people to muse about the path not taken and for it to be unrelated to regret.
To each their own. I have two toddlers right now. Life is messy but they make up for it with lots of love and fun. Their love is unconditional and quite humbling. I have to admit sometimes I’m at the end of my ropes but somehow after they sleep – the house seems too quiet and I miss the noise and the laughter and even the fighting.
It’s a question of priority. Having kids means they will be your number one priority and other areas in your life will suffer – and if you accept that reality you’ll be able to manage parenthood without regrets pertaining to having a career or social life or whatever it is that you might have to compromise. In exchange you’ll have this amazing new human being in your life that will be there for you no matter what. All of the parents I know with adult kids miss the days when their kids were young because they’re over in a blink of an eye. They truly grow up so fast. I couldn’t imagine my life without my kids and I imagine myself in the future having these adults in my life that I had the privilege of raising and having adult conversations with them over a cup of coffee and it just makes me feel so happy.
We have a 3 and 6 year old and for us those first years are the toughest. Although our 6 year old can do so much on their own it gives me a lot of hope that the hardest years are almost over (diaper changing, helping them wash hands) all the heavy labor.
I will say having kids has taught us a level of maturity and patience I would never have had without kids. It’s also made our relationship stronger because before kids I was more focused on me and what I wanted.
At family gatherings kids are typically more high energy than normal. After our kids hang out with their cousins I get stressed out, it’s not a zoo like that all the time. We have quiet times on the weekends where the kids find a quiet activity or take a nap but yes overall you cannot do whatever you want when you want, I do miss that aspect.
Also you can’t just go on a vacation 1:1 with your spouse without it being a big ordeal of who is going to watch them.
Overall it’s a different lifestyle and yes more challenging overall but I couldn’t imagine a life without our kids.
I think most parents would say they don’t regret them but I don’t think you will get many people who would be honest that they do, even with anonymity. Heck my parents would never say they regret having kids, but my parents were also awful parents who acted like they despised having to actually interact with us kids on a regular basis. They used us kids for the social cred it gave them of being “the perfect family” to the outside world. My mom got to be the homemaker image to her friends and church buddies and my dad got involved with my brothers activities to impress other parents (Coached every team yet would never actually practice with my brothers one on one, even when they would cry and beg for dad’s help. The next door neighbor took pity on them and would get out there with them.) But behind closed doors I was abused. Yet to this day they both think they were great parents and put out the image that being a parent was one of the greatest blessings.
I personally chose not to have kids because I didn’t get to really enjoy my childhood because of trauma. I don’t see my husband and I regretting it because we enjoy the freedom it brings us on a day to day basis. We have a very active social life and see friends weekly. Plus kids are $$$ and instead we get to invest that money in ourselves and enjoying our lives. We love traveling and going to concerts and we are able to do that quite frequently.
I had a 3 year old and a single mom, I had family support. I still didn’t regret it. Then married a man with 2 teenager daughters. It was a tough transition but I loved it. Still do now that my two are teens themselves. Dont second guess yourself.
You could always volunteer to babysit and weekend.
Even if my house will be completely upside down, I will never be able to sleep again, and will live in misery I will never in one second change my decision of having children.
That smile of your child is what your live for.
We have 3 – can’t imagine life without them or what it was like before them really. To each is own.
Parenting is not easy but I still love it and some of best memories were waking up at 4am, changing a diaper, feeding them and cuddling – would do anything to do that again – and yes, I am a man.
When I was younger I wanted a big family.
At some point while dating I had told my wife I wanted a fairly large family, 4-6 kids. Somewhere in there she indicated that she’d like that too.
Then one day while we were engaged (we got engaged a year after we met) one of her aunts or uncles asked her how many kids we planned on having. She replied 4-6. Her mom got an amused/surprised look on her face and said to me “what have you done with my daughter?”
I knew then that 4-6 might not be in the cards. But I trusted that she wanted at least a couple so didn’t make an issue of it. I decided I could be ok with fewer. We’ve got three and are both happy with the family we have. Wouldn’t change it.
I guess the only thing I wonder about is what it would be like to raise a daughter since all ours are boys. My wife frequently expresses that she’s happy to not have any daughters as she doesn’t want to deal with any girl drama, lol.
But boys have their own brand of issues. All three knocked out their own front teeth before they were 4. Then there was the time the neighbor called to let us know the 5 & 7 year old were on the roof of the 2 story house. Or before that when those two were 4 & 6 and the 6 yr old convinced the 4 year old to grab the neighbors horse fence (electric) and he couldn’t let go. I could go on, lol.
3 Boys, No regrets except that they are in the process of moving out now. 🙁
But, having kids, while incredibly fulfilling in the long term can be tough on any particular day. Having kids has given me the biggest highs and low of my life. Without them my wife and I would have a very comfortable life, but a much more vanilla life.
Having kids is like opting to spend your vacation at the theme part riding rollercoasters or doing extreme sports, in the way that not having kids would be to relax by the pool and enjoy fine dining.
People say being a (good) parent is the hardest job in the world. I do not want that job. My partner and I are in our 30s, together 16 years, and have not ONCE regretted not having them. People can call me selfish and shitty all they want but I don’t need to pass schizophrenia onto any living thing. It sucks just taking care of myself.
Moms are superheroes, I respect the hell out of them. I couldn’t do it.
I had my kids when I was young & stupid. I can’t imagine my life without them. Despaired as an empty nester-but now I’m a grandma! Joy!!!
I enjoyed being a parent until the pandemic fucking started. It was no fun having to deal with a kid 12 hours a day everyday for months.
I also miss having just 1 kid. It was really easy compared to have 2 kids. But my wife insisted of having 2 and here I am waiting until the second child be 4yo to have it easier again.
Have 2 kids, personally was anti kids, if we had would have been one. Needless tosay we been blessed with 2. I still have zero time for other peoples kids, truly and kids parties is a no go for me but God knows how much I love them and I am so truly grateful that they in our lives.
Its hard work and we both made personal sacrifices but looking back on it today I dont miss my life without kids. Nor do I kiss the crap I spent my money on, like our overseas trips, now I cant imagine going anywhere without them. My past self must be thinking WTF, but today I thank God everyday for this blessing.
I’m 63, hubby will be 70 next week. No kids. No regrets.
Every once in a while when I realize that I will probably outlive hubby, and have nobody close to me at all I think it would have been nice to have kids and then I realize we made the right decision for us. We’re still in our twenties, trapped in Senior Citizen bodies. At least in our minds!
I struggle with questions like this because I always wanted kids but I didnt want them when we had them. My wife and I both knew we wanted kids after we got married. The problem was that we never really talked about when to have them. I did say that I wanted to wait 1-3 year and I cant remember that she ever said anything against it. For me getting married was a dream. I grew up learning that waiting for sex was important. So while I didnt get married just to have sex I still was so thrilled over finally being able to have a wife, to have sex and to be able to travel and do all other things we couldnt do while dating.
But as soon as we came home from the honeymoon my wife starts saying that she wants kids. I wanted to wait but she kept saying that she wanted kids and became sad when I said I wanted to wait. I felt bad and like I was a bad husband so in the end I gave in. And thats what I regret. Because she got pregnant and I felt for many years that our marriage took a pause. Her pregnancy was awful and when our kid came it became her whole world. I struggled with being a parent. I was filled with resentment not towards our kid but towards my wife.
My dream of enjoying being married was gone. We had one more kid after she kept sayinng we should have one. Our third kid wasnt planned. But it has taken many years for me to feel like a parent and even now I still dont feel happy as a parent. I love my kids but I think I would have enjoyed being a parent more if I had been able to be emotionally ready. I am there for my kids and I try my best but I cant say I enjoy parenthood right now. Maybe I will some day. I have to od what I can to make the best for my kids. They didnt ask to be born
We’re 39/40 have no kids and don’t regret it.
I work in the early childhood field (in training/education for providers). It’s a full time job raising healthy, well-adjusted children. It’s one I don’t want. I already have a job. And hobbies.
I never even had an inkling of desire for children. And the very idea of pregnancy and birth was a *no thanks*.
3 or 4 kids sounds like a nightmare though. I have 1, still deciding if I want another, but probably not.
Other people’s kids are annoying as fuck.
Your own kids are the light of the universe.
No kids here and very happy. Most of the people I know who have them are ok or miserable. There’s one couple I know who likes it legit. They have 4 and had them young.
I think its great that you found someone on the same page as you and stayed on that page with you. Neither one of you pulled a bait and switch and decided hey let’s have kids.
That said, I don’t regret kids, but I regret not enjoying life more before they came.
I couldn’t wait to become a mom and started telling everyone when I was just a few weeks along, just too excited. Its not easy but I wouldn’t hit the redo button if given one. But boy if I had a time machine I’d live it up so much more. I didn’t enjoy being single and looking back that time alone should be looked at more fondly.
You get love the little ones in your family and watch them grow up. And you get to go back to a happy home. Not bad at all.
I never wanted kids and in all honesty I’m not a kids person at all. I became pregnant unexpectedly last year. I was horribly sick and depressed for almost all of it. Then I had my daughter. Everything changed. I immediately fell in love with her. It’s like I’ve tapped into this other part of myself that is so juicy and vibrant and raw. It’s made me really dig deep, think about what makes me happy and my values and has made me a significantly more confident person. I don’t regret having her at all. In fact, she’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I still don’t really like other kids, but I love mine. I have lots of hobbies and am a very active person. Of course you have to modify things, but a good friend said to me to strap the baby on my back and just keep going. And thats exactly what I’ve done. I think that you can find fulfillment in life with or without kids. But I don’t think they get in the way of other things you love the way you think they will.
I don’t regret it, it’s the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. Seeing how my husband loves our children is incredible BUT I definitely understand why people choose not to have kids, it’s hard work!!
You know, The happiness of my sisters and brother is happiness reflected to me. We love our nieces and nephews. This generation has followed our lead by not marrying yet. I know that my wife and I have chosen well to not have children. We have been married for over 35 years and am happy we are still child free. A child making a discouraging expression causes us to thank the other. Clearly, we are past the chance of having them and are pretty happy about this. We have a couple of homes, a few extra cars, and the ability to work from home as we wish. We have actually retired early…yet my wife wants to still teach on line. It makes her happy so I am as well.
Zero kids, on purpose. Now in my 50s. Never regretted it for a moment and my life is amazing.
Honestly don’t regret them at all. They are extension of yourself. Other peoples kids are not funny to me and personally don’t like them. But my kids have my sense of humor, my mannerisms basically little me. I could hang out with them all day no problem because it’s like hanging out with myself lol.
It hits differently when it’s your own children. Poop and puke and snot isn’t gross because it’s kinda like your own poop, puke and snot if that makes sense.
I will say this I did have a friend that did regret having her kids but that’s because she was basically a child when she had them. She missed out on those selfish years so in turn she disliked them for crushing her life before she even started.
I don’t think anyone is better for having or not having them. Your life isn’t grander because your child free. Your life is great because it suits you. Just as mine is great too because it suits me.
Been with my husband for 8 years and we’re in our mid 30’s and child free. Zero regrets – actually just got my tubes tied! I have a pretty even split of friends and I support both sides. But I don’t regret not having kids – my husband and I have a great life and wouldn’t trade it for anything
Totally agree with you.
It’s genuinely sad how many friends and relatives we know that had happy fulfilling marriages… until kids came along.
At family gatherings, when relatives above age 55+ ask why we don’t have kids, I politely say, “We’re still happily married, and most of our friends that decided to have kids are now divorced.” I was SHOCKED at how many relatives (male and female) gave me a knowing look and said, “Well done, enjoy your life.”
Nothing like extended relatives confirming your parenting decisions.
Nope, childfree and so so happy with our lives. Every time we come home from vacations/visits etc, with family or friends that have children, we high five on a choice well-made. I’m sure having children is worth it for many people, or at least I hope it is since so many make that choice, but not for me.
Three kids. Best decisions we ever made! The messes and noise are nothing compared to the absolute joy and laughter they bring us. I never thought I could love my husband more but seeing him be a father is just out of this world.
Honestly i have absolutely NOTHING against anyone who decides not to have kids. raising children is harddddddd but no i don’t regret having my son and we are having another child (i’m due in october). my son is literally the light of my life and although the first year was the hardest year of my life, his smile and laugh make me so incredibly happy.
however to each their own! our lives completely changed after having a kid. i lost a lot of friends and my social life really suffered. i feel like you make a lot of sacrifices and if i had to do it over again, i wouldn’t have obsessed so much about the little things and really tried to still enjoy life even when baby was very little.
Three children, now all in their late 30s.
Loved having them and raising them.
Love having them gone and on their own so I can chase their mother around the house in my underwear.
Hubby and I have been married almost 10 years. He had a kid coming into our marriage and was very clear he didn’t want anymore. I am an elementary teacher and my life (for most of the day) revolves around kids. I am genuinely fulfilled with my job and love pouring into the kids I have in my classroom, so I don’t feel like I’ve been jipped on having kids of my own. My sister has kids and I love being their aunt and I’m also fulfilled that way. We have never questioned if we have made the right decision. I think it all boils down to what each couple wants and their desires.
2 kids, no regrets. I wish there was a way to fast forward past parts of the baby phase, but that’s just not how it works. It was easier with our second kid because her older sister was a source of meaningful conversation and interaction with me by then, and I also had some experience with the first kid to know how long it takes to get to that stage. Very grateful to be done with diapers – we’re done after 2 kids.
Definitely do not regret not having children and very thankful we didn’t. I have plenty of friends with children and I am happy to not have their life! But I’m a great aunt!
Never wanted them, wasn’t suppose to be able to have them. Have 3, had them young. Do I regret it? Not at all, I love my kids. We’re close and they know how I felt back then. 2 of them feel that way now and the 3rd is undecided.
I love that they are all grown and off doing their own thing in other states now. I don’t meddle but am always here for them. That said, I can’t honestly answer if I would do it all again if given the true option of not having them.
I love my kids but if I’m honest I wish I never had kids. I’m not cut out for it. I do what I’m supposed to do but I struggle with the emotional part of it, I guess. A lot of it has to do with the way I was raised. I was selfish to have kids.
I have a 4 year old and an almost 2 year old. I always say, “I love my kids but I hate this shit.”
It’s hard as hell. And I’m stressed out for bigger problems like bullying, drugs, etc.
So I wouldn’t say I regret it at all because my girls are everything BUT… I now totally support those who say it’s not for them. Because it’s definitely not a free lifestyle.
You will probably enjoy the community r/childfree
I love my childfree life. No regrets.
I just had my first a couple of months ago. I feel like I could have lived a perfectly pleasant life without kids, but my husband has always wanted them and I could also envision a great life with kids.
I love her a lot, but it’s true that the day to day is exhausting. Our bond is very special though, and even though she is so little I have become a better version of myself trying to meet the challenges she brings. I feel like the real dividends come much later- I had an excellent childhood, and now I am grown and my mom is my best friend. We have a very close and fulfilling relationship and spend lots of time together. I know there’s no guarantees, but I would love to have the same kind of relationship with my daughter when she’s grown.
My husband often says that having children gives life purpose, but I disagree in a way. My life was meaningful and had purpose before she was born, but nothing I did may have been as impactful as what I do now. There is something deeply humbling about being so important and loved and trusted by another person, and thinking about that makes me more intentional in my actions. Im a nurse, and I have held so many patients hands as they wished for their moms- realizing that now I am someone’s mom has really put my life and goals into perspective in a way that I think has made me a better person.
I think people who have kids should enjoy and love them with all their hearts and feel good about the wonderful opportunity to raise and care for a little person.
I also think people who decide not to have kids should feel good about having a clean house and/or a put-together life and/or whatever else they get to enjoy as a result of not having kids. There are myriad very legitimate reasons to enjoy a childless life.
I have one kid. It is deeply rewarding and stressful as hell. Not having kids seems great too. You get to choose one path either way and both paths are going to look good and bad at various times, so you might as well decide to feel good about whichever one you end up on, because both are equally valid.
I love my kid. I will cherish watching her grow up. I enjoy our bonding moments and explaining how stuff works and what doesn’t to her.
That being said, I’ll never have another one. I dealt with the baby and toddler stages with grace. I’m happy with how she’s coming up. But, I’m done with having kids.
I understand some people don’t want or can’t have children. That’s cool. it’s not meant for everyone.
Cheers.
I never regretted having children. I am very glad that they grew up to be intelligent, healthy and generally content and happy with life.
I can say though, that if I had never had children, I would not have felt that I “missed out” on something. Important to note too, that my children were born in the 1990’s. That was a very different world, even though it seems like it was just yesterday. Back then, while I and their mother didn’t consciously have a life plan to have children, we were fine and happy with having them. Although we are no longer together, both agree that if we had started our relationship in 2022, with the world being what it is today, we would consciously *not* have children.
I love both my children dearly, if I had a do over I would not have children.