I have a usually great relationship with my dad (55M). He was always a very involved dad that stimulated my interests and passions, and we share a love for science and technology since I was a kid. I work in a field adjacent to my dad’s field in a more technical setting, while he went from technical to an entrepreneurship position. We can talk shop although we have separate fields, and I occasionally ask for some advice regarding situations that pop up in my professional life, like advice on how to tell a service provider that we would not be renewing the contract with their company or how to solve some workplace conflict. I pay my bills, but my dad pays for my plane tickets to my home country every year.
My dad usually has great insight. But he tends to get a bit carried away. I think overall my dad is very excited about my career, but at some point he crosses the line from “we are two adults discussing a problem together” to “I’m parenting you even though you’re an adult”. I moved away from my country of origin 6 years ago, so I think in a lot of ways my dad did not see me change from young adult trying to graduate university to adult woman that has her life together and is a established professional.
As an example, a couple of weeks ago I went to him to ask about how to handle moving a project we had with an external contractor to an in-house product developed by me. He gave me very valuable advice for how to “break up” with the company and how to convince my boss we had the structure to do it locally. That, I apppreciated and asked for. But the problem is that he doesn’t stop there. A couple of weeks pass and he asks how it’s going, I said slow because I left on vacation and now I had COVID, then he just tells me “you need to pick that up as soon as possible” and then it just turns into parenting. He gets anxious about my projects and asks about how they’re going, but sometimes it gets a bit overbearing.
I occasionally ask my mom for advice as well, but I feel like my mom doesn’t take over (they have been divorced for over 20 years now). She talks to me about work when I look for her, and is not asking for reporting about my activities.
I’m good at my job and have juggled these responsibilities for years now. I don’t need to be told I need to do my actual job. I’m the oldest by far and my siblings are still pre teens/teens (14F and 10M). I feel like my dad still doesn’t get how to switch back and forth between being a dad to some teenagers and to an adult. I could just stop asking for advice in my professional life and just not talk about it with him, but I’m trying to figure out a way to bring up the subject with him so maybe we could communicate better.
I’m thinking of writing him a small explanation trying to use non-violent communication (“hey when you do ___ it makes me feel _____ and I would rather have you do _____ instead”) to try to explain how I feel. I don’t often talk to my dad about feelings but he was receptive when it has come up in the past, so I don’t think he will react too negatively. Maybe I’m just stupid for looking for advice in the first place if I don’t want him to get involved. But I also wish we could get to the point where we can have these conversations without him getting overbearing, as two adults.
Any advice on how to phrase this? I don’t want to be too rude but I need to set up some boundaries.
TL;DR: Dad gets overbearing when trying to give professional advice. Need help adjusting communication so that we can talk about things as two adults instead of parent and kid.
4 comments
Stop asking for advice. It’s going to be impossible to draw a line between professional advice and parenting. You might know when one ends and the other starts but I don’t think it’s going to be easy for your dad because he IS your parent.
>my dad still doesn’t get how to switch back and forth between being a dad to some teenagers and to an adult.
This would be hard for most parents. Family business run into the same issue.
Well, the fact is that to him, you’ll probably always be his kid. It’s a parent thing. He probably wants to protect you with good advice (since he can’t otherwise) and goes overboard without realizing it.
It’s reasonable for him to be interested in your life i.e. the project, and how it went, because it was his advice that led to the course the project took. Your father may also take interest because you’re the closest family member he can talk to about these things.
I don’t recommend shutting him out entirely from offering advice. However, you can try to ask for very specific advice (e.g. “how do I get this point across to [business partner]?” instead of “how do I do this part of the project?”), and also stop him when he tries to launch into Concerned Parent Mode with a gentle:
* “Dad, I love you, and I know what I’m doing”
* “it’s going fine, Dad”
* “I’m not worried about this, because I’m prepared to handle it”
* “I’m not worried about this, because your advice helped a lot”
…and anything else you can think of. The last two in particular are good because they redirect the worry from him onto you i.e. telling him to not worry won’t do a thing, whereas telling him that *you* aren’t worried will calm him down more.
You can also volunteer information to him before he asks (e.g. how a project is going), in order to give him the impression that he’s involved without him having to ask (and worry about it). And keep the information vague, sprinkle in some compliments (“the project is going very smoothly thanks to your help!”), and change the topic to something else.
The calmer you are, the easier it’ll be for *him* to be calm.
To a degree, it’ll be impossible for him to exit Dad Mode and be in only Entrepreneur Mode. You’re not stupid at all — you just need to use what you know about him (i.e. what points/phrases he is receptive to) in order to communicate better what you expect. It won’t happen overnight, but little by little you’ll see changes in how he treats you.
If you have a good relationship and can talk to him about your feelings, it would be worth bringing up that a man can come across as belittling if he starts to tell a woman (especially when there’s a significant age difference between them) how to do something that she already knows to. I highly doubt your father wants to be condescending, but it doesn’t hurt to bring up to him that this dynamic exists and it’s something you’ve had to face before (you don’t mention it, but you probably have).
>I think my dad always had trouble separating my career from his expectations about my career
I think it’s worth examining if this is something *you* think about or something *he* brings up. Like, if you want to do something one way and he tries to push you to do it his way. If it’s like that, then you can rebuff him with a simple and short “I know what I’m doing, and if I don’t, I will absolutely come to you for advice”.
This is incredibly normal, and I think it’s an especially strong dynamic with fathers of daughters. The other poster had some great ideas for scripts in the moment. The other piece is seeing if you can have a chat with him about how you will be drawing boundaries around the type of feedback you’ll accept, and maybe include him in it? Like, hey dad you know how much I appreciate your wisdom but moving forward I really only want advice on my job when I ask upfront. How best can I remind you if you get enthusiastic about offering advice that I don’t need?
> I went to him to ask about how to handle moving a project we had with an external contractor
> But the problem is that he doesn’t stop there
Maybe you should stop asking for help. Also learn to end the conversation quicker and be forthright and tell him you’re not looking for advice, you just want to chat. You’ll have to do this a lot to break the pattern.