First time posting and English is not my first language so my apologies.
I am going through so many different emotions and not coping well. My (32/f) boyfriend (35/m) and I have been together for around 2 years. We revently (back in January) moved in together and I had what I thought a very close and blissful relationship.
Back in June, he went out one night with some friends for the night. I remember him asking me to join them or if he wanted me to come home earlier. I basically told him to come back whenever as I trusted him.
He ended up coming back around 5 am. I was trying to sleep and heard him texting on his phone. I asked him what he was doing and he tried to hide his mobile from me and told me he was just setting the alarm. Turns out he had met some couple that night and made a move on the girl while they went out for a smoke. He basically kissed her and fingered her outside while her boyfriend was in the bar. Since I managed to take the phone off him I saw that he had given her his email and number and she had emailed him how she was hoping to continue their fun.
I was livid and devastated after finding out about this so slapped him. He knew I was very traumatised by how my last ex cheated on me so this burnt even more. After slapping him i went out for some space and returned to find him sleeping. I ended up drinking some vodka we had to numb my feelings and started shouting at him to leave. He wouldnt and threatened to call the cops. I thought he was bluffing, but he did.
Cops arrested me and put me in a cell for 15h because he told them I had hit him, they found me drunk and all my family live abroad. He was very apologetic and did not press charges. Tried to make it up to me and apologised. We live together and have a 1 year lease and even though we have broken up he wants us to stay together.
I did contact our landlord to ask to break the lease but she said this could only be done of we paid upfront all our rent that’s due in January. I have had some bad fights with now exboyfriend which caused him to message tje girl. He told me it was because i had made him angry.
Is this an abusive relationship? I am in a total mental fog and still can comprehend what has happened. He tells me to get over it cause it happened x weeks ago.
He is also adamant bout us staying friends and living together still.
16 comments
The guy sounds like a scumbag, cut him out of your life.
Why would you stay with someone you can’t trust who lies and gets you arrested.
>Is this an abusive relationship?
Yup. You’re both abusive.
Yes! You made him angry so he.goss go finger another girl?! Also called cheating. It’s your fault he cheated. Does that make sense? He put you in jail…🛑
Things that need to be said and need to be heard.
1. Yes. This is a Toxic relationship. You gotta find a way outta there asap. He’s blaming his actions on you…you are not to blame for his actions, they were his own. On that note…
2. You put yourself in jail by hitting him. Never put your hands on someone you aren’t willing to have consequences from. You aren’t excused because you’re angry. This is unisex info.
3. You owe him nothing, least of all a friendship.
4. Just because both of your names are on the lease doesn’t mean you can’t have your name REMOVED from the lease…this is different from breaking the lease. Breaking the lease implies all named people leave the place. Ask specifically about having your name REMOVED. There’s usually a small fine and he can keep the place and you can bounce.
He didn’t get you locked up. YOU faced a consequence for your action.
The moment you hit someone you’re an abuser. Just because he was being toxic and betrayed you doesn’t make you not guilty of something severe.
You can forgive a cheater and it’s a red flag and they’ll probably do it again but regardless of the mental scars physically assaulting someone is not ok.
There’s is such a thing as reactive abuse but cheating doesn’t lead to physical punishment so this is not reactive. You cannot escape blame and he cannot escape blame. Y’all are both dysfunctional and y’all both suck.
Neither of you are ready for a relationship.
Edit: given how often men who routinely beat women are let go or not arrested I can’t help but wonder if it was more than just a slap that you got locked up for 15 hours…
Murder
He didn’t get you arrested you were arrested for hitting him. It’s bad that you got cheated on but you deffininatly deserved to get in trouble for slapping him.
You don’t need to pay the rent all up front, the land lord should take payments so ask if you can work out a payment plan, not only that but they will probably rent it out right away anyway and landlords are not allowed to “double dip” in other words, if you paid them for the entire year and left and then they rented the place out to someone else right away that’s called double dipping, not allowed and any court would probably make the land lord reimburse you, however; just to be safe I would check the laws in your state.
I would talk to your landlord and explain the circumstance that you’re in an abusive relationship, and you’d like to remove your name from the lease and he’ll be staying. If that doesn’t work, consult a lawyer about your options.
Good time to leave. Friends, my ass. Total pony lend, with cheating instead of magic.
He didn’t “get you arrested”. You got arrested because you assaulted and abused your boyfriend. The way you spend this whole post trying to justify and minimize the abuse is absolutely disgusting.
You got yourself arrested because you broke the law and abused your partner, and you deserved that. The fact that you seem to take no responsibility for that shows that a) you really haven’t learned anything from this and b) you’re really gross.
Your boyfriend sucks too. He’s super shitty. To be clear: **UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DID HE DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE BEING ABUSED OR ASSAULTED.**
He deserved to get dumped because he’s a scumbag. But the moment you laid your hands on him, you become just as disgusting, if not more so, than him. Nothing can ever justify putting your hands on your partner.
So, although it doesn’t seem like you’ve learned much or taken much responsibility for your abusive behavior, I’m gonna give you a piece of advice, so that you WILL know what to do the next time one of your scumbag boyfriends cheats on you or mistreats you:
**If someone does something awful to you like that, it means they don’t love you. If you determine that they don’t love you and have done something super shitty, you break up with them. You don’t hit them.**
Nothing ever warrants slapping your partner. What he did warranted you to break up with him. That’s the right thing to do in this situation. You didn’t do that. Hopefully you will do something differently the next time one of your toxic relationships implodes.
Take responsibility for the severity of what you’ve done. Break up with this guy. Then sis, you REALLY need to work on yourself, because the version of you that hit him that night is a really really disgusting person.
You have to control your emotions. Definitely hard to do -but know that if you put your hands on someone then there will be consequences. You can’t stay friends with him but you will have to co-exist as roommates, if you have no where else to go. You can speak cordially but not conversationally. He doesn’t need to know any of your business. You are going to have to make your own friends. Keep the main bedroom and move him into the living room or spare. Also check in with you landlord regularly monthly. You never know.
The relationship is toxic. You are abusive. The only time it’s acceptable to hit your partner is if you are defending yourself in a physical attack and you need to incapacitate them temporarily for your escape. You were not arrested because you were drunk and your family lives abroad; you were arrested because you assaulted him. You need to figure it out with the lease, sure, but you need to separate your lives. There’s no reason for you to be friends with someone who betrayed you, no reason for him to be friends with someone who attacked him.
Youre 32??!! What the fuck are you doing? Get your shit together and leave this garbage relationship. And stop hitting people for fucks sake
If a guy was on here and said he slapped his gf because she was cheating you know what everyone would say.
Yes he cheated so break up with him but you got yourself arrested for hitting him. Don’t raise hands if you aren’t ready to face the consequences.