(Throwaway as my bf is on reddit)
Before we get into the meat here, I just want to say that this is NOT a story of a complacent man who makes promises that he has no intention of keeping. **This is a story of a woman who is tired of teaching.**
With that out of the way. . . My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2.5 years and during this time sex has always been a bit of a struggle. Before we got together, I was having some of the best sex of my life with a long-term fwb, which marked the peak of a “sexual awakening” I had been experiencing during my mid-20s. I would say that I know my sexual wants/needs very well and am pretty high libido. I’m also always seeking to learn more about my sexuality and sex in general (just finished reading Mating in Captivity and really want to read Polysecure next!)
My boyfriend, on the other hand, has had only a few sexual partners, which by itself is not a problem, but those experiences were not very exploratory (his words, not mine). He also shared with me that his last gf created some negative experiences for him that I won’t detail here for anonymity, but has had some lasting effects on his relationship to sex. We’ve talked about it a few times and I check-in with him periodically to make sure I’m not creating situations or reacting in ways that may resemble his ex-gf’s behavior, which was manipulative if not emotionally abusive.
We talked a lot about sex when we first got together, and in some ways I knew what I was getting into. Perhaps the only “surprise” is that he is much more low libido than he initially described but I don’t fault him for that because it likely has to do with the aforementioned ex and/or is due to a limited understanding of his own sexuality. During those early conversations, I made it very clear that sex in a relationship is important to me and he made it very clear that he was willing to learn. And he HAS learned. We are definitely in a better place compared to when we first started dating. He’s better at reading my body queues, more comfortable expressing likes/dislikes, and can make me cum in two reliable ways. Yay right!?
Well, not yay. While I am really proud of him for that growth, we’re still not really having the kind of sex I want to have and the sex we are currently having is getting stale. He seems “stuck.” He’s learned what he’s learned but isn’t really building upon it. **Kind of like when you’re in college and you just memorize what you need to pass the exam, but don’t actually learn to understand the subject matter.**
I’m trying to stay patient with him. We continue to have conversations about sex, I continue to give him positive feedback, and I continue to express what I want. But more and more the sex is just . . . disappointing and it’s killing my desire to have sex with him.
After 2.5 years, I’m reaching a point where I am tired of teaching him. And I don’t really know where to go from here. The best case scenario is that he takes the initiative to learn new techniques and explore his own sexuality without needing me to “lead the classroom” so to speak. Of course, I’m still willing to communicate with him and offer feedback, I just want him to take on some of the responsibility for our sex life. I feel like I’ve expressed that in more than one way but haven’t seen any efforts/changes on that front. **If I’m tired of teaching, is he tired of learning?**
I dunno guys. Maybe my expectations are too high? Or maybe he needs more time for things to click? I know I’m not perfect – is it ME that’s the problem? I really need outside perspectives.
On that note, I kindly ask that commenters please consider other advice before suggesting a break-up. I love my boyfriend a lot. He’s an amazing partner and this is truly our one Achilles heel. I’m not at the point of breaking up, just tired and not as horny lol.
Edit: Thanks for all the comments here. I think I have some things to think about with respect to myself and also some good questions to discuss with my boyfriend.
15 comments
goal oriented maybe? “I want to get here, figure out how to do that” or “for my birthday I want you to touch me in a way you never have before, surprise me”
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there probably is something to the idea that he has plateaued. He’s explored with your guidance, but find the part of the woods he’s happy in, and doesn’t need to see what’s over the next horizon anymore. This is a metaphor. Is there a desire for you to go over that next rise and come back? If you suggest you’d like to see what’s there, could he take the lead? I don’t know. Maybe.
Is it more you want him to take the initiative to get better at the things you already do with him, or want him to take the initiative and lead in breaking new ground?
I hear you! Over the years it’s occasionally been a novelty (I’m 53m) to be able to teach less experienced partners new things… it’s understandable that some people have only been exposed to bad lovers. But to be quite honest I’ve grown tired of dating women who don’t know their own bodies and who’ve never developed the knowledge or patience to learn how to please themselves or the men they’re dating.
School’s out. If you’re still on the training squad or playing in the junior leagues, please hook up with folks on your own level. My bedroom is for varsity players only, LOL! đ
Try buying him a book about pleasing your partner or exploring your own sexuallity, maybe he just doesn’t know where to begin.
Have you asked him about his expectations? Is he satisfied?
What’s exactly are you looking for?
It might be a great time to meet with a sex counselor or provide him with outside resources so the onus doesn’t rest on you. There are some great sex positive podcasts. He might also find other material inspiring, like erotic writing or role play. It seems like he’s understanding what to do but not internalizing it so it may take some experimentation to find the medium to best get him where you want him to be performance-wise.
In terms of you, it sounds like you’re an amazing partner who is committed to learning and growing. It’s reasonable that you have expectations, especially after you’ve put so much into the relationship and his sexual self. I’d suggest brainstorming some key things you’d like out of him to demonstrate his ongoing effort. What would success look like to you? How can he feel most empowered to reach the milestones you set?
Would opening your relationship be an option? I donât think this is a scenario in which either person is a problem, but potentially not completely compatible.
I have a great idea that will solve all of your problems – go and talk to him, or just show him this post.
Keeping this to yourself will only lead to your loss of interest and eventually you finding someone else and possibly cheating. Talking to him now has no down-sides, you’ll either break up with him which you’ll eventually have to do because if you do not talk to him about this he’ll never change because he’s not a mind reader, or it will lead to a better relationship.
From what youâve described, I may be wrong, but I think the two of you have markedly differing expectations from sex.
Youâve talked about a sexual awakening in your mid 20s, a high libido and a desire to learn about sex, including exploring and being adventurous and reading about it (including mating in captivity which is awesome by the way!) For you clearly, sex is important and is more than just physical bodies coming together.
Not every one views sex like that though and I know he has a lower libido and negative experiences in the past, but for some people, thereâs not much thought for sex other than the occasional physical urge which culminates in orgasm and there is certainly not a desire to explore further about desire, arousal, intimacy etc that sex comes with. And itâs ok, weâre different.
I think sex counselling could help, just in case there are things he needs to work through that might help. But you also need to accept that, for him, what you currently have might just be enough, he doesnât want more out of sex and that he may never fulfil the needs you have, as hard as this might be to hear.
Honestly I think the best thing you can do is teach him as you are more experienced than him and he has to get experience from somewhere also I know this YouTube channel but practically will teach him for you and oh my god the guy is good He makes things so simple if you want it just let me know
Perhaps he is feeling controlled and rigid in his ability to do things to you. Since perhaps anything he does that he thinks you may like is not something you actually like.
So when he did improvise he got negative feedback. So now he is scared to leave the script you have set out for him.
Break up. You speak about him like heâs a subordinate and not an equal. Youâre never going to be happy with him.
Sounds like youâre sexually incompatible, even a bit. And youâre trying to âteachâ him to be compatible.
Maybe relationtherapy?
I don’t know. But it would make me pretty insecure if my partner keeps pushing me out of my sexual comfortzone and has the feeling I need to be “taught”. I would want to explore sex on a equal foot and what it means in our relationship instead of having the feeling I need to live up to all these expectations. It would totally make me stuck.