Hey guys, I am (M) 22 and have fallen head over heels for a (G) 19. We have not been dating long at all and are still in the infatuation and lovey dovey phase. I knew getting into this relationship that my other has had suffered sexual abuse at the hands of her father and is still dealing with it to this day. Tonight we had decided and attempted to maybe have a bit of intimacy beyond kissing and cuddling and it ended up bringing her past trauma. I guess my question for reddit is how do I help her and support her best? I want to be with her and maybe marry her someday. Is there anything I can try or do that might make intimacy not bring up trauma for her next time or is there anything I might try that will help me better aid her when said ptsd and trauma happens to her? Thanks a bunch
5 comments
Ask her. Let her know you care and to let you know if there is anything you should or shouldn’t do. And have a conversation about how you can best help. when past trauma arises (in unexpected ways).
This is above reddits and your pay grade. She needs to be in Therapy about this.
Let her be on top. So she doesn’t feel constrained. Let her initiate the next step. Do not restrain her in anyway. You need to really communicate well.
Hi. As I understand your question, you wish to know what you can do as a romantic partner to show your girlfriend support in regards to her sexual abuse in her past. Basically a “how to show sex abuse victims support as their boyfriend/husband”, correct? If so, please keep in mind that what you can do as a partner is very different to what a professional therapist can do. But that doesn’t mean that what you can do is any less important. While showing support isn’t treatment itself, it definitely is beneficial nonetheless. A supportive force in one’s life helps with overcoming struggles. It’s just better when you know you can rely on more than just your strength alone.
There’s no 100% guaranteed way to avoid panic attacks however. So if you try your best to be sensitive and careful, and she still suffers an attack, please don’t blame yourselves. Brains are finicky. They can be alarmed by a trigger consistently for a while and then not. Triggered symptoms can be unpredictable in the sense that they don’t always happen given a trigger.
About intimacy my advice is to learn what approach she feels most comfortable with. Would she rather you initiate intimacy by asking her about it, or would she prefer you wait for her to initiate intimate moments herself? Sometimes abuse survivors can be very shy and want intimacy, but their own trauma keeps them wary and scared of stating how they feel. Others may feel better being given the lead and be the one who bring up the opportunity.
Noting these preferences is important because some abusers use coercion and their “asking” for intimacy was not really a question. So for some victims, the question may make them uncomfortable as it sparks an instant defensive mode. But for others, they need to hear that question so that they may feel safe to speak up and admit “yes, I’d like it” or to deny.
Yes, this conversation can feel a little odd, but there’s no 8-ball for this. Communication is key as long as you keep yourself gentle, patient, and understanding.
About conversations involving their trauma, please be patient. Traumatic memories can be hard to retrieve. A victim may misremember the timing or order of events. They may remember more things the longer they speak and having to backtrack. They may even express conflicting emotions. Or need a moment to just think before answering a question.
There’s also small gestures that can help someone feel safe while they are opening up to you. It can be to hold her while wrapped by a warm and soft blanket. It can be tea of coffee. It can be choosing a chill background music. It can also be each sitting in front of the other in comfortable arm chairs if they prefer a bit of distance. These things may sound corny to some but they communicate effort and caring. It shows that it isn’t about morbid curiosity, but wanting to be there for them.
Being an attentive and patient listener and is a great way to show support. Don’t be too afraid of conversations but also note where boundaries are drawn.
I can’t think of more suggestions at the moment, so I hope some of this helps.
I do hope your girlfriend is getting professional help for her own sake. And such can also help you as loved ones can benefit from the reassurance that professional help is involved.
I wish you the best of luck.
Edit: I just read the auto mod comment again and worry some may read this as advice on a restricted topic. So if it gets hit by a mod hammer, I apologize.
Be patient and take the relationship slowly. Make sure she feels safe and that she is in control of far to take things. If she needs to stop the intimacy for any reason, you will be fine with it.