We’ve been together since 18 and he’s become such an integral part of my life. We both come from the same cultural background and are studying the same degrees which is very important to me as I come from a very conservative family that wouldn’t accept a partner outside of our ethnicity.
I honestly have loved my boyfriend so much since the beginning and I’ve always knows that I love him a little more than he loves me. This didn’t bother me in the first two years since we were in our honeymoon phase. But it has become the subject of many arguments in past few years. I feel that My boyfriend doesn’t exactly “act” like my boyfriend. He doesn’t take charge with planning our dates, paying for dates or even just taking care of me which are all things I have come to value. He can be quite stingy with showing affection, for example he keeps track of who drives in dates and will get annoyed if he ends up driving more often than me. He also doesn’t really show affection in terms of small gifts, treats or by helping me out, all of which I’ve communicated to him . He does have many valuable qualities which I’m scared of losing. He always listens to the tiniest details of my stories, he’s so loyal to me, he texts me throughout the day always keeps in touch and we just get along so well he feels like a best friend.
I’ve started thinking more about our future , we both know we intend to marry but he doesn’t show too much interest. Im very clearly much more enthusiastic about getting engaged in the next 2 years because I feel like I’m ready for that, he always seems uncomfortable when I bring it up because he’s scared of introducing me to his family (his parents have typical arrange marriage mindset). Obviously now I’m starting to feel like I’ve been stupid and put him on a pedestal. Im scared that my value for this relationship only relies on my love for him. Im scared he doesn’t actually give me much in this relationship, not as much energy as I give him. I try to think of what I gain from being with him and I can’t come up with much. We don’t even spend much time together. I feel over the years my values have changed and I don’t want to regret marrying him just because of my feelings toward him. Im terrified of breaking up because he truly is my best friend , I can’t imagine finding someone who gets along with me in terms of humor and personality. It feels like we’ve both become inseparable. I don’t want to be selfish and ask for more and regret breaking up. What if I’m the one taking him for granted? I don’t know what to do and I feel anxious and scared for my future.
TL;DR- i give this relationship more value than my boyfriend does and I feel like I need to move on
5 comments
Loving someone doesn’t always mean that person is right for a relationship with you. You have grown up one way and he has grown up another way.
>I try to think of what I gain from being with him and I can’t come up with much. We don’t even spend much time together… I don’t want to be selfish and ask for more and regret breaking up
You’re not happy with how things are. You don’t want to ask for more.
The only options are to break up and date people who have the potential to give you everything you’re looking for, or to stay with your boyfriend and remain wanting more that you’re never going to get, which is probably going to increase your resentment of him, because it’s already just not enough for you.
You both met when you were young and you’re still so young. Your fear that you won’t find someone else who connects with you this way is completely understandable, but the truth is you still have a whole entire life ahead of you. You haven’t spent any of your young adult life without him, and I promise you will be fine without him. You’re holding onto the idea of loving him but the reality of being with him isn’t making you very happy. It doesn’t sound like he is committed to 1. Making you feel very special or 2. Planning a future with you in mind (planning marriage, meeting his family, etc.).
“same cultural background” Getting the Indian caste system bullshit vibes
A lot of failed relationships and broken people because of lack of communication.
Friend, have you tried talking to him about your feelings and what these things mean to you?
If you haven’t, then i suggest you talk to him and tell him everything you feel, the same way you told us.
Breaking up is the simplest solution, but is it the most effective? No.
The grass is greener where you water it, and not always on the otherside.
I’m only suggesting you think for all possible solutions before you make life changing decisions.
Your family / community will not take the L for you for the rest of your life.
Best of luck.