Like, say you’re good with 2-3x/month but your partner is more like 2-3x/week. Would that be a deal breaker or where would the healthy compromise be? Is it fair to expect a guy to have sex more often if his partner wants it?

23 comments

  1. Sex drives are almost always different but that’s a pretty big gap to fill with just masturbation. No it’s not fair to expect him to have sex more than he wants but it’s also not fair to expect that you should have to not be able to get laid either when you want so it’s kind of a catch 22.

    In the end it’s needs to be something you can both live with.

  2. It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me, but probably for her. That’s a pretty big difference and isn’t sustainable long term.

    But to some degree, yes, I will happily have sex more often than I actually need it. Like just because it wasn’t on my mind doesn’t mean I can’t be… persuaded.

    2-3x/week vs. 2-3x/month is a big difference.

  4. “Is it fair to expect a guy to have sex more often if his partner wants it”

    No, if one party isn’t in the mood they’re not in the mood and shouldn’t be manipulated or guilt tripped into it. This becomes difficult if you’ve started at a certain pace and then one party has drastically tailed off months/years down the line, but if you started off with this imbalance then you decide to take it or leave it. Compromise is something that leaves both parties not getting exactly what they want but still feeling somewhat satisfied… 2/3 times a week is quadruple 2/3 times a month and I’m not sure where the happy medium is. I’m not forcing myself to have sex more than I’m inclined to, that just doesn’t work, but I also don’t want to be with someone sexually unfulfilled either.

  5. My fiance has a higher sex drive them me. It’s pretty rare when I’m just randomly turned on or want to have sex. But it takes her 25 seconds to turn me on.

  6. Those are pretty low to me. I’ve never had a partner with a higher libido, but I think I’d be okay with it. If I couldn’t keep up, I know how to buy a vibrator.

  7. It’s never fair to expect sex from someone. I think it might be a deal for the person with the higher libido.

  8. That difference sounds incompatible to me, not really any happy middle ground for either

    It’s always good to try and compromise a little to help cross the small gaps, but ultimately both people should be content in the relationships

    I would probably end things and seek a better match

  9. Yea I imagine it would be. Have you talked to him about how it affects you? Or what he needs to want to have sex more?

  10. There’s a whole sub about these relationships long-term, it’s called r/deadbedrooms and it is the most depressing place on the internet.

  11. Just a lot of sex I don’t really want to do. It becomes like any other chore at that point.

  12. There’s really no compromise. The lower libido partner sets the limit on frequency, and the higher libido partner decides whether that works for them.

  13. Been in this type of a relationship for years.
    I’m the lower libido one. Pretty much the same difference as you described.

    Over the years it does kinda become more like a chore most of the times, especially if she is incapable of satisfying herself. It becomes kinda like an addiction. I know most guys would probably be pretty proud over it, but for me it does add more pressure and I’m pretty sure it effects her more than it does me.

  14. My ex had a very high libido but would never act on it, so I had to initiate every time, and she’d only take over if I asked.

    I’d be fine with a partner with a high libido if they actually initiated and took over without me having to ask.

  15. I had an ex who had very high libido (sex everyday) vs me (2-3x/week). While it’s not particularly hard to keep up physically with that, after a while you start feeling inadequate (this might be a guy thing).
    Beyond a point that relationship would not have survived.

    But for a while (or even for FWB), it is perfectly ok and manageable.

  16. This definitely isn’t for everyone, but you can always consider opening up the relationship to some extent. No one is able to meet 100% of their partners needs, that’s why we have friends and colleagues who we can bond with over things that are partners aren’t into. If you’re not the jealous type, sex might be one of those things. Maybe you fulfill 30% of your partners sexual need and 95% of their emotional need. That sounds like a really strong relationship to me, and if you allow your partner to fulfill that remaining 70% outside of the relationship then it sounds like you will both have your needs met and be happier.

  17. No its not fair to expect more sex from a partner…dont women call that ‘duty sex’ and absolutely hate it?

    If I cant match libido I’ve used toys to help get her off so I am at least involved.

    I’m more of a two times a day type in my 30s…

  19. Yea it would be a dealbreaker. You have to be on the same page when it comes to sex. Personally I need it once a day. So if that’s too much for the girl I wouldn’t be with her in the first place.

  20. Personally I would probably try and do what I can if I’m not horny enough to get it up

  22. Eat. That. Pussy.

    Get good at oral pleasure.

    Introduce her to the wide world of anal pleasure too.

    Put that ass to sleep with your tongue.

  23. I’ve had relationships where I’m getting maybe a quarter of what’s optimal for me. I was often frustrated and while it never ended relationships, I can say with certainty that mismatched libidos contribute to a lower relationship satisfaction for me. I’ve never ended things over sex and I don’t imagine I would unless we’re talking once a month or less. That said, some people just feel and express love and connection more physically – without it, you don’t feel as attached or loved or motivated to fix things as a team.

    That said yeah I don’t think it’s fair to end things based on sex. I love the person, and their body is one component of who they are. I don’t expect sex and I think it’s gross for anyone in a relationship to feel entitled to it. Things would have to be really bad for a long time to justify a break up IMO.

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