This is a bit Dating 101 for men. Ignore it if it’s not useful for you or you already know it.
For men it’s important to acknowledge that dating apps don’t work well for most guys. There are just too many guys using them and not enough women. 80 % of Tinder users are men. And the way the algorithms work can make normal guys almost invisible on the apps.
Apps work for you? Great.
But if they don’t, put your main focus elsewhere. Try to meet women in real life. Most people still meet offline and then the most common way is through friends.
Where do you meet women in real life?
*Clubs and bars.
This is the Tinder of real life. Too many thirsty guys.
Some men do well in these settings, but not online.
But for most guys it can be a hard crowd.
It’s ok to approach women here though, bc people go these places to meet someone.
*In public.
No. Don’t walk up to strange women. It makes them uncomfortable.
*In a social setting (through friends, hobbies, activities)
This is different than in public, because people go there to socialize and it’s in a context. The friends of your friends are pre-vetted. It’s not a potential crazy person approaching you on the street. Psychological research shows it’s much easier to fall in love with people we meet in a familiar context. Bc your guard is down.
*Work
Depends on your workplace culture. Many people meet at work. But it’s easy to step wrong here.
*College.
Yes. It’s a place people go in part bc they want to socialize. Only works if you are a student there too though. And you still have to make an effort to make new friends and go to social events.
Takeaway is that expanding your social circle and making more friends is a good idea if you want to meet someone for most guys.
*How do you expand your social circle?
Join new hobbies, activities. Go to social events with your current friends. Try to get to know new people, both men and women. It doesn’t have to be someone you want to date. Could just be someone you have fun with and then invites you to a BBQ where you meet a cute girl.
*Have a lot of trouble making friends?
Address that. It can be social anxiety, lack of knowledge of social rules, depression, being on the spectrum etc etc. See a therapist.
Making friends is like the first battle in a video game. Getting a girlfriend is the boss fight. Dating is a way more socially complex process than just making a new friend. If making friends is too hard, you can’t get a girlfriend till you fix that bit.
*Don’t want friends?
A girlfriend is a very high maintenance friend. You won’t enjoy it unless you enjoy talking to people and spending time with them.
*Don’t have time for any activities or hobbies?
You won’t have time for a girlfriend either.
A relationship takes up a lot of time and effort.
*Just want sex, not socializing?
Women are on average way less into sex with strangers than men are. So it’s a very skewed marked. Like selling sand in the Sahara.
I’d guess 5 % of guys can get regular casual sex. The rest can’t. Being like 95 % of men isn’t a big deal.
*Should I get a girlfriend just for sex then?
No. Not worth it and not kind. It’s just way too much work. 95 % of a relationship is just spending time with the other person. It’s awesome if you like them, awful if you don’t. Instead, do what women do and just invest in sex toys.
Disclaimer: this is a general advice. Won’t apply to all situations, all the time. There are always exceptions.
But it’s mostly common sense.
Edit: some people are bringing up ” don’t cold approach wome in public”. To clarify: concerts, a book reading, a festival, a sports contest etc. aren’t what I mean. Places people go to be social and where you share common ground, it’s perfectly fine to strike up conversation. Museums and book stores, common interest places, can work as well. Just be sensitive to signs of them not wanting to chat.
What I did mean was: don’t cold approach women in random public places, like on the street or on the subway. It will usually be a wasted effort and women will often react negatively to it. That’s not a reflection of you, but of the cold approach strategy.
27 comments
Damn, you’re the dad of Reddit. Great advice!
Thank you for these tips 🙂
>In a social setting (through friends, hobbies, activities)
It’s good! But your hobbies need to be social hobbies instead of solitary. For some men that is not the case.
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>Takeaway is that expanding your social circle and making more friends is a good idea if you want to meet someone for most guys.
Yes-ish…but that makes it very dependent on luck – moreso than actively looking in other pools. The pool of single, available and compatible women in your social circle may be extremely tiny. Yes, meeting friends of friends is a thing – but it rarely did it for me.
The way to increase your odds here would be to massively expand your social network but that is extremely time consuming (more than a girlfriend, since you brought that up in the post as well) and for many guys who are not extroverts it is exhausting and tiring.
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>No. Don’t walk up to strange women. It makes them uncomfortable.
Uh, have you tried it? If you have: if make them uncomfortable then that’s usually because you lack skill. If you haven’t: you knocked something before you tried it and shouldn’t feel qualified to make that statement.
My dating life is full of women I met in public, man. Almost all of my fwb and girlfriends I’ve had so far, from there. Good platonic friends, too.
Great ideas indeed. Meh, I don’t use dating apps because I don’t want anything as of now , had accomplished a few relationships but I don’t want to pursue anything, especially because it always come naturally and it’s always better that way.
I can get 2 dates a week from online, I really don’t think it’s plausible for me to get meet that many women offline unless I was non-stop cold approaching, which doesn’t work for my personality
I also find it was weird when I see on advice pages people constantly say take up a new hobby you’re not even interested in just for the chance to meet more potential partners, seems way more deceptive than asking out strangers
This is knowledge right here
I like how the people who are disagreeing with this are the people who DON’T need the advice. Lol like of course you disagree, this isn’t for you.
A girl you know linking you up with a new girl is like getting a job referral for a company you are trying to interview with.
It helps a ton to have a woman who can introduce you to her friends. You aren’t kidding about the high maintenance aspect of dating. The opportunity cost and just sheer mental energy is why I bow out.
I have had a number of casual flings and they’re just always meh. It is not worth the time and effort to be with someone you don’t really REALLY want to be around
You do know that Tinder is not the only dating app out there? And other dating apps are much more balanced as far as the women-to-men ratio goes. Of course those apps tend to have more relationship-minded women and you would have to be ready for a relationship.
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>*In public.
>
>No. Don’t walk up to strange women. It makes them uncomfortable.
This is actually very bad advice. Places like a grocery store/super market, coffee shop, museums, etc. are great places to have a conversation with a woman if the opportunity presents itself. And it’s low stress compared to a bar or club. The bonus is you can easily start a conversation based on the subject matter. For example, if you like natural history and like going to natural history museums, you can possibly find a single woman there whom you can chat with about natural history.
Little known fact – matchmaking services are actually skewed in the opposite direction. They tend to have more female clients than male clients.
Have some women in your social circle as platonic friends, I’d add.
Speaking as a woman, the exes i met in person as a friend are more remarkable and still have a place in my heart (even though the breakup is heartbreaking). Meanwhile, the exes I met online gave me trauma 😂
I’d also argue that following your advice will improve your OLD experience. If you have an active social life through hobbies, work etc. you will be a lot more interesting and socially smart than if you spend all day alone.
Dont have friends either
This is actually true. Best dates I’ve had especially didn’t come from apps. Only issue is the consequences of hooking up with friends of friends. It can make things weird in your group or rumors can run around.
I really wish you said more than “get a therapist.”
That says nothing to me. I still don’t really know how to find one that isn’t temporary because the whole process has always been confusing to me and it’s not been addressed in an accessible manner to me other than “use these online resources,” which categorically aren’t what I’m looking for.
Wonderful tips! Thank you for taking time to write this up.
Ok but what if real life doesn’t work for me? I’ve done everything I can to meet a girl who is interested in me but I have yet to.
The only thing I’d disagree with us the friends or friends been ore vetted. Just because someone is a friend of my friend does not mean they’re pre vetted 😂 Some people can be great as friends but terrible as partners.
I had an old friend that when we were friends was great, we moved in together with a couple of others for shared housing and I began to hate them.
Everything else I think is great advice, but from my experience I would disagree with the friends of friends been prevetted aspect.
“No. Don’t walk up to strange women. It makes them uncomfortable.”
As you can in any setting if they are not interested. Be civil about it. At least if unintentionally you make stranger girl uncomfortable you won’t damage your circle of friends/reputation among them. I would rather advise hitting on women you dont know than hitting on women you share lots of common friends and will possibly see each other many times more.
It sounds like you are just making excuses for talking to women in public.
I think I’ll just stay single forever. Getting out of bed is enough of a challenge. Putting on socks? Forget about it.
Is there any adults that can say they’ve made true friends in their 20’s, 30’s? Imo most people have their friends from childhood and sometimes they even drift away but its different for everybody. I feel like making actual true friends as an adult is so difficult. I’ve met some people at work but nothing ever went beyond that. They’re just acquaintances.
I’m 26 and at this age, most people already have their own families and personal lives they deal with so they’re not interested in being actual friends. For someone like me who has no friends and only has their immediate family that’s basically my friends, it’s super hard trying to get out there and make connections with people.
Nobody likes asian guys though
Where do you even meet new people.
Yes, I want the one high maintenance friend who’s also a girlfriend. That’s all I want. I will enjoy it if it’s just one person I care about and not a dozen(?) I don’t.
Read the entire post. You must be a woman.
My main problem is that I can’t expand my social circle. My friends have been cemented for 8 years, and I just bounce off new people no matter the hobby or setting. I can spend years in a hobby group and never have any chemistry or connection with anyone.