Very early days with new boyfriend and I don’t have a ton of dating experience. We are based in Korea. He ia Korean, I am not. We speak in fluent Korean to each other. Both in mid 30s, hetro.
I made it crystal clear that I don’t want to go as far as sex so early. Despite that, he entered me without a condom and started doing his thing despite my saying no, and telling him to stop. He stopped eventually, cuddled me, said sorry and then started again a few minutes later. I couldn’t get up or push him off so in the end all I could do was raise my voice to shock him (“do you know you’re forcing yourself on me rn?”)
It worked. He was shocked, stopped and watched me shaking. I yelled at him for doing all of that without my consent and especially that he had no right to touch me without a condom without asking if I’m okay with it (I’m not).
He held me very, very tightly and started to apologise saying it was a bit difficult for him to stop but… even though it took a while, he did eventually. He held me until I stopped shaking, admitted he was wrong and promised to seek my consent and also to never come over without condoms again.
I am of the opinion that he was inside me for long enough to cause an issue (although he didn’t completely finish in me) so I took Plan B this morning, mostly as a precaution and to stave off the panic I felt all night once he left.
I am so confused and stressed out. I actually like this guy (or liked?) Do I accept the apology and his self recognition that he went too far? Is it really that difficult for men to stop?
If you have words of advice for how I can deal with this situation – what happened, my feelings or what to do, please share. I am feeling a whirlwind and don’t know what to do
(For the record, I-m a sex positive person, I enjoy it ans was looking forward to it with Bf at the right time but…)
EDIT 1: I didn’t expect this thread to blow up like this. Thank you for all of the supportive comments and advice. I was extra confused because whilst he was cuddling and soothing me after withdrawal, he was kissing me, apologising for his actions and then turned his whole attention on my body, asking if he can make me feel better. I’m not going to lie, I was crazy emotional by that point and I also wanted to “feel better” – i.e get rid of the heavy and terrifying feeling of having my consent violated by unwanted penetration so I let him use his hands. I may have let him make me ‘feel better’ in the last few moments where I stopped shaking and he was apologising but I now realise it was because of my fear to acknowledge what really happened to me and I was in shock. I am still in shock. Shock at what happened to me and how I now see how I was gaslit.
I won’t be going the police. There is no tangible evidence and the Korean police are notorious for glossing over cases like mine. I want to forget it. I had a long chat with a friend earlier and feel a bit better now.
I’m going to break up with him. Wish me luck.
39 comments
I’m a sex positive person too but he raped you OP. Not only that which is enough but he is exhibiting a behavioral pattern of pushing your boundaries. Then after he rapes you he acts sweet, abusive patterns. I would not go back, it will probably happen again. Even if it doesn’t, he’s a shit bag.
Do not accept his apology he did that on purpose with full knowledge of what he was doing. Men can definitely stop. I want you to be ok with your sexual expression in the future so please talk to a therapist about it (preferably a sex therapist if that is available to you in Korea) and never speak to him again. I’m sorry you had that experience
He is full of it.
He knew what he was doing. And didn’t think your no meant no.
I have no first hand knowledge but I’ve seen warnings that Korean men are very over sexualized and feel entitled to sex.
Yes, you can forgive a guy for literally raping you. Whether you *should* is up to you.
As for whether we can easily stop, yes. Yes we can.
Its a lie. Am guy, can stop 2 seconds before I cum.
You got raped. He gaslit you about it. The trust is broken, get him out of your life.
Leave now that is rape there isn’t really any other way of putting it you were raped by someone you trusted now get your senses and get out.
🚨🚨🚨
Your boyfriend raped you and he knew he was doing it as you were screaming for him to get off of you. How can someone like this ever make you feel safe being next to him? He is a human he is able to stop putting himself inside of another person when they ask him to (he should’ve asked before !!! and used a condom) he wouldn’t have done that if his parents were in the room so he knew it was wrong . Your boyfriend raped you op
Please leave him or at least seek some sort of emotional support whether professional or just someone you trust to help you work through how you feel
The number of times a day I read about yet another womans bf raping her makes me throw up in my own face.
And then for them to question whether or not that was the case is just shattering.
OP, he raped you. You gave him your boundaries and he leapt right over them with no regard. Do yourself a favor and never let this man near you again. It’s literally the least you can do yourself.
I’ve been with a man like this before and he truly shook my faith in the capacity of all men to be good to me, to be capable of stopping. No man since him was like this, and I am so glad I got away from him and could learn to rebuild my trust and sense of choice in sex with men as a whole again.
Noooooo. Can it be frustrating or uncomfortable to stop? Sure. But can you do it anyway? ABSOLUTELY, if you care. He raped you because he thought he could get away with it.
You were raped.
Rape isn’t always some back alley thing. Oftentimes (though not always) victims know their attackers. We see so much of the dark street/kidnapping that we forget it can happen in relationships.
It’s not that difficult for men to stop.
Ask yourself this: if his grandmother had walked into the room, would he have stopped?
Of course he would have. He could stop; he didn’t want to. Your consent just wasn’t important enough.
And that “I’m sorry, but…” non-apology? He’s not sorry. Be done with him.
He is full of crap, a guy can stop at any moment. What he did is absolutely appalling. He raped you then made sympathetic excuses to make you forgive him and try and make it ok. In my opinion you need to break it off with him and cut all contact.
Never accept an apology from a rapist. That’s what he is and he gaslit you into thinking otherwise. He could stop- he just chose not too. Don’t ever trust him again or go near him.
He definitely raped you. You should stop seeing him, for your well-being. Consider seeking therapy to heal from this troubling time.
Really the only thing to consider is if you want to date your rapist. If you are ok with dating a rapist, someone who has blatantly shown that he has zero respect for your boundaries then nobody is stopping you, just don’t be suprised when his behavior becomes a pattern. However, I believe you deserve better.
Um.. consent is consent is consent. I woulda knocked his ass out. No means no.
no, op. men can stop at any time.
you even said that you were clear about not wanting sex in the first place. that ALONE is rape, even without the fact that you were begging him to stop and he didnt. there are so many red flags in this. please get out of this relationship
edit: also, the amount of people on this sub who are in relationships and getting raped by their partners is so sad.
He’s a piece of shit and legit raping you. I won’t sugar coat anything. Leave that cunt. Men are able to stop, rapists go on their own time.
He raped you. Get away
100% Bullshit. That guy is an asshole.
Your dude is a rapist. Yes we can stop.
Get out of this situation hun. My ex used to do this to me and I was terrified of sex after a while. He would say he loves me while raping me and hold me after while I cried. No man should help themselves to your body if he did it the first time he will do it again. Better to be alone for a while, until you find a man who respects your body and your boundaries.
You were raped. No means no. My husband once was at the point of cumming when I told him to stop because it hurt (had some issues down there, was working on them and have since mostly overcome them) you know what he did? He stopped and pulled out. He was obviously super turned on and decided to just handle himself, he was super grateful when I decided to help him out. But at no point did he expect me to be in any way uncomfortable to make him cum.
Dump your rapist. He is not a good boyfriend, just a disgusting rapist. No means no
I am so sorry you had to experience this from someone who you trusted and love(d). I can completely understand why you’d feel confused in this situation. “He stopped eventually, cuddled me, said sorry and then started again a few minutes later” This right here shows that his apologies were just empty words. If he truly cared about your feelings and consent, he wouldn’t start again. I’m sorry but your boyfriend is selfish, manipulative and like a downright piece of shit. Please don’t feel like any of this was your fault. Dump his ass and seek help to support you through this traumatic experience. Sending ❤️❤️❤️
There’s absolutely no excuse for rape,which is exactly what he did to you.
No means No.
The fact that he thinks that “he could not stop himself” is a dangerous sign.
Now there are a few things that are hard to stop. For example, if you ask a man to have sex without a condom and stop before he ejaculates, that is something he may not be able to comply with, because ejaculation sometimes happens very suddenly, or even involuntarily while having sex. He may get a feeling of being close and pull out, but it might be a false alarm. And on another occasion he might have the same feeling, but it might be too late before he pulls out. (That’s why it sucks as a form of birth control)
But initialising sex, penetrating a woman, and continuing to thrust, none of these are involuntary actions. And none of this may happen in “flow of emotions”. The man would be fully aware that he is doing it without your consent.
This guy is most probably, testing you to see how much he can dishonour your wish, without doing much harm. The problem with such a behaviour is that with such a person you will either keep facing many such incidents over the years, or will have to keep your guards up, for the rest of your life. Neither seems like a sustainable situation.
I am assuming that when you said that you were clear about not wanting sex, it was actually a clear message. I know someone might curse me for saying this, but at times many women give very mixed signals, and justify it by saying things like – “A girl always says no, but the man should take initiative”. Anyways, it’s always better for any man to avoid such a confused soul.
But there are people who might actively look for a woman, who might not be assertive enough to assert their lack of consent. Because then he can try and make up rationalizations to justify his acts:
1. Things like, I thought you said No for that day.
2. You said this, so I assumed you wanted that.
3. Ohhh.. but I thought it was something you said in our initial days of relationship.
You certainly need to rethink your relationship with this person. He either had no regard for your consent, or expected this little trick of “Ohhh… I couldn’t control it and slipped , and happened to fuck you ” to work.
The only situation where you may give him a benefit of doubt, is when you guys had agreed to do something too close to sex. Say, something like rubbing your private parts together. In that situation, once you are both really horny, it may actually even “slip”, or the urge may be too hard to control. In general, it’s better not to do any acts that are too close to sex(especially without a protection), if you do not intend to go for sex. Yes, the guy must still honour your consent, but it’s better not to test someone’s self control to that level. But I am really going out on a limb here just to cover a possible situation, because in no condition he should have continued, even after you asked him to stop.
But before giving the guy any benefit of the doubt, remember that such an act, most probably was performed by him, to get the benefit of the doubt. There’s a much higher chance of such a person to be a manipulative person, than being someone who has realised his mistake.
It sounds like that guy raped you. You should cut his dick off immediately
I’m not reading your post but the answer is no, every man is able to stop at any point, they can finish elsewhere if it came down to it
that is rape
You can stop at any point, without hesitation. It’s just an excuse. 1000000% just him trying to blame it on “Male inability to stop” which makes absolutely no sense. It’s intentional rape. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
It’s not that hard to stop
The fact that he did it for the SECOND time that night, after clearly understanding that you do not want this, just makes me absolutely speechless, like what the fuck????
I’m (30m) and about to go on a date today with a girl a really like this morning… in about 3 hours time and this sickens me. Men can stop very quickly, men have all the self control in the world, he’s a cunt. He doesn’t respect your boundaries, doesn’t respect your opinions or what you wanted. He just wants to blow his load and feel good about it.
If sorry as you say you do like the guy but if you don’t want to be taken advantage or manipulated more just end it with him. Men like him need to learn that there are consequences to their actions and behaviour like this is out of line.
That’s literally rape. He raped you. It’s not okay and it’s not hard for men to stop. They are perfectly capable of controlling their sexual desire.
Definitely rape… blue balls wouldn’t even work in this situation. There is absolutely no excuse. I’m sorry