I guess this is part vent, part advice seeking.
Husband and I (both 35) have been married 13 years. We have 3 children, ages 8-12.
Our relationship isn’t bad but it isn’t good either. We are just kind of stuck in a rut of working, studying, keeping the children alive… rinse repeat.
There is no time for us, either as a couple or individuals.
I would love to have a date night, out of the house, no kids… there are so many things we want to do together but a babysitter alone is $100 minimum for a couple of hours, that’s before we’ve even considered the cost of dinner or activities. This is just not feasible with our current financial situation for anything other than a special occasion, like a wedding or something.
We spend time together at home but it never feels like quality time, as a couple. The kids aren’t young enough that we can put them to bed at 7pm and have a few hours to ourselves. If we wait until they’re all in bed, then we’re ready for bed ourselves. If we try and do anything while the kids are awake, they want to be involved or they interrupt and it kills the mood.
I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. We’re slowly getting into a better financial position, I’ll be finished studying next year which will come with a reasonable pay rise and in a few years the kids won’t need a babysitter and my husband and I can have our time then. I just wish I knew how to spark some joy and stop us feeling burnt out in the mean time.
Thank you for reading if you made it this far.
4 comments
Do the kids have friends? Can they go hang out at friends during an afternoon?
Your kids are old enough for you two to do your own thing at home without them. You can make mac and cheese for them and something that they don’t like for yourselves. Let them eat while yours is cooking and then tell them to go play while you two eat alone. Then you two can sit and cuddle and watch a movie, or talk, or play a game. When the kids come in tell them you are spending time with daddy and to go play. It’s important that you start to put some effort into your relationship so that when the kids get older and don’t want to hang out with you two you will still have a good connection with each other. Try to stay up late now and then to have some romantic time with him, too. It’ll be good for you both. It takes effort but it’s worth it.
Just another play on the kids friends angle, maybe you could partner with some of the other parents where you swap out watching each other’s kids for a night for a date.
The reality is there are times when marriage is harder than others. You yourself said there is a light at the end. Make sure you and your husband are communicating and maybe make sure you understand when and how things are expected to change so you don’t get into such a rut that when the situation changes your routines don’t. Good luck.
The 12 year old can’t babysit for you? You could always offer to pay them. I started babysitting for other families at 11 yo and I got paid for it.