TL;DR My girlfriend (19) of 2 years and I (m20) almost broke up, after a big argument in which she said I need to be “more kind, less snappy and stop getting angry over nothing’. Admittedly, I do all of these things and now am actively trying to improve.
As the title says, I’m trying to become a better boyfriend. Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 2 years as of a week and a half ago. The first year and a half was amazing (though it was clear the honey moon phase ended after the first 6 months, not to say that we weren’t still on cloud 9 together though), things have only started to get rough since university started for us (in September). Prior to our rough times at university even we’d spoken about how we would both happily marry each other if things kept going so great. Sadly they didn’t. We go to different universities but in the same city, and we live really near, so it’s really easy for us to see eachother (and we do a lot). Usually we have 2 good weeks for every \`\`\`1 bad week. Its pretty common that we almost breakup in the bad week, and honestly its almost always my fault. I’m super volatile, and I know it. Multiple therapists have told me its because of my parents (shocker) quick to anger natures, both of which look for a target to take things out on. Really, I think I have taken this disgustingly toxic trait also and it kills me inside. Worse – it kills her. I can tell. We have the sort of relationship in which we worship eachother, which is perfect, except it hurts both of us all the more when one is horrible to the other. And sadly its almost always my fault.
Her three requests of me ere that I become ‘more kind, less snappy and stop getting angry over nothing’. I’ll break down where I think I go wrong on these kinds of things:
‘More Kind’ – I tend to joke a lot, and my jokes do tend to be at other people’s expense. This is probably down to my group of friends (all boys of the same age), we dig into each other a lot but its all in good spirit. But my girlfriend is a far more gentle and sensitive soul. There’s nothing wrong with this at all, but I just struggle to cut a clear line from my behaviour with my friends and my behaviour with her. After all, I’ve spent most of my life with these guys and its just become second nature to rip on one another. However even at slight jokes that my friends would never bat an eyelid at, my girlfriend gets upset. Initially I blamed her and thought she was being too touchy. Over time I have realised that I’m super rude to her without realising as a result, my jokes are too far for an angel like her. I’ve tried to differentiate her and my friends in my head. But I struggle and the wrong thing slips out, and she thinks I’ve made no progress on improving it.
Any guys especially had a near enough situation and figured out how to break that barrier?
‘Less snappy’ – By this she means impulsive. I get angry and I get angry fast, and I don’t hesitate to respond to things when I’m in this way. I calm down and get rational after about 20 minutes, which doesn’t sound like a lot. But 20 minutes of me barking and going crazy is a pretty long time for that. It’s not fair. I hate myself for it, I won’t pretend its a trait I’m proud of at all. I’ve always been pretty self-aware of this one, but its never been that big of a problem until me and my girlfriend began arguing a lot. Though simply being aware doesn’t help, and its hard to break myself out of this near feeling of *righteousness* every time we argue, for that first segment.
Has anyone else had anything similar and managed to overcome their quick temper? This is definitely the thing I struggle with most.
‘Getting angry over nothing’ – Yeah, pretty self explanatory. I get crazy mad, crazy fast, at a crazy amount of nothing. I take little things as a harsh assault on my character, my judgement, whatever. Its so bad. I don’t know what more to say about it. I just hope someone else knows how to fix this.
Conclusion:
We are on a break right now, texting, not calling or seeing. Its not definite we will stay together. But I want to, and I wanna try whatever it takes. And the biggest obstacle is truthfully me. I’d appreciate any advice on how I fix myself. Or in general, if anyone has advice on what they did to become a better boyfriend – let me know. Even though things have gotten rough I could never imagine marrying anyone other than this girl. But I need to figure out how to become boyfriend material before I come anywhere close to qualifying for husband material. Thank you in advance to anyone who gives their support.